An Issue of Stagnation

Dear Ms. Tired of Waiting,

I never assume it’s catfish; LDR is life.

You need to tell him what you told me and start hammering out a concrete plan. I see your situation a lot, so don’t feel alone. Plenty of people sail through years of long distance with the half-assed assumption that when the time is right they will magically be together, but it just doesn’t work like that.

I haven’t moved to either of your countries, but I know for places like Australia (my home country) you start your paperwork a year or more before you expect to actually live there. Do you know yet where you will live together? If yes, start by downloading the visa forms and getting your paperwork in order. Book your medicals. Line up your references. It’s something you can do to feel like you’re getting somewhere.

I don’t know what your complications are, but you will know if they are legitimate or just excuses. You can feel it in yourself if something crops up and you’re secretly relieved to not have to close the distance yet, or whatever. Listen to your instincts.

Only you can decide how long is too long. It’s not naïve to commit to someone in a different country. It’s not naïve to wait patiently for the future you want. But at the same time, you are not a tree. You can move. You can make choices and changes. You can chase after the future you want. You don’t have to wait for him to come to you. You don’t have to wait for a marriage proposal. You are not powerless. You said neither of you had made any major moves – you can be the person to do so. You can generate that enthusiasm.

To me, going after what you want is very important. I know that traditionally women make ourselves pretty and hope we’re plucked like flowers, but that’s bullshit. I put money on Mr. E and I never would have met or married him if it wasn’t for how badly I wanted it. I wanted him. I went to his country first. I saved up the money. I made our five-year plan (I made two actually and told him to pick one haha) and kept us on track for it. As much as he loves me and always has, I am the person who needs our relationship more. I care about it more, so I’m the one who puts in the bigger effort, or tells him where he needs to put his efforts. And that’s okay. In the end, we’re happy and we both get what we want. So, if you want to progress this relationship, start doing it. If nothing else, you’ll learn where both of you stand and if he doesn’t want to follow through on a future with you, at least you won’t waste any more time.

Lastly, don’t waste any energy comparing your relationship to your sister-in-law’s relationship, relationship progress, or his enthusiasm for the whole thing. Don’t give jealousy the chance to take hold. You’re better than all that, and it wouldn’t get you anywhere. Talking to him is what will make the difference. Make a goal, break it down into tiny steps, and start checking those steps off.

Love is worth waiting for. I hope your patience pays off soon.