Dear Miss U,
I have been living in Australia for two years and got to know Ben at the beginning of my second year here. I had known his family for my first year here but he was overseas studying. I love him lots and would love to be with him, trouble is, he lives here in Australia and I have to go home to Ireland in a few months. Neither of us are in a financial position to visit each other often, and we are both beginning to forge careers of our own. I understand that there will be a lot of hard work involved in having a LDR but I wonder if 10,000 miles is just maybe a lil too far. I am so lucky to have him in my life and feel like such a spoiled brat saying that life is hard, but this is going to be tough!
I basically want to know, in your experience whether Ireland/Australia is too much of a distance to make it work, considering where we are in our lives at the moment.
Am I being silly thinking he will stay faithful at such a long distance? Even the time difference of close to 12 hours will be hard.
I won’t be able to move back to Australia for the foreseeable future because of visa requirements and Ben isn’t that keen to leave the sunny shores here for the rain and mud of the emerald isle.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
~ Lou
Dear Lou,
The good news is, you’re both beginning to forge careers of your own – meaning, you’re not established. Neither of you are so bogged down that you can’t make a new plan that includes this relationship. And that’s all it comes down to – are you both willing to make this relationship a priority?
You might not be able to move to Australia just yet, but Australia and Ireland have a good Working Holiday Program. I’m sure he could deal with the rain and experiencing a different culture for six months to a year, giving a good period of time for you to test run this relationship while you prepare to move to Australia. If you do manage to live together for a year (either here, there or a bit of both) that would also make it easier for you to apply for permanent residency in Australia as part of a DeFacto couple.
I know for a fact that 10,000 miles isn’t too far. Nothing really is too far if it means enough to you. I’m not going to lie, a twelve hour time difference is as bad as it gets. That is going to be hard, it’s going to take a lot of juggling to make that work. One of you will be eating breakfast while the other chows down on dinner! But once you work it into your routines you will find a time to connect with each other, and in the mean time you can use email to cover the bulk of your communication. Talk about your day-to-day stuff in typing, and spend time together enjoying each other’s company in real time when you can.
Understand that you don’t have to put down roots in either country right away, stay flexible and keep your communications open.
As to remaining faithful, distance doesn’t make people cheat. Nor does being near-proximity guarantee faithfulness. He’s either they type of person who will, or he isn’t. It doesn’t do either of you any good to worry about it, so put your trust in him until he gives you a reason not to.
Dear Miss U,
I met my bf in Canada (we are both studying here.) Unfortunately, he is only here until Feb, 2014 and then moves back to Germany. We are both at University and finish our respective programs in the summer of 2015 (I am studying here in Canada and he is doing his in Germany, but is here for 6 months doing an internship.) I have always wanted to live in Europe and am looking at this as an opportunity to do so.
We are crazy about each other, but I am not looking forward to him leaving in Feb. Yesterday we had a small talk about us and are making sure to spend as much time together as we can while he’s in Canada. I told him that I was thinking of getting my EU passport anyway and he then said that that does change things (for the better.) He is coming to my hometown with me to celebrate Christmas next month. He was sooo excited when I told him that my family had invited him to spend the holidays with us next month.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone in my life… ever!! I am prepared to do a LDR, but am scared. I have not had much luck in the past with local relationships and am scared that I’ll get my heart broken in an LDR as well. I’ll be 32 by the time I finish my Masters degree and want to settle down soon. Should I do research on moving to Germany for when my degree is done next summer, 2015? I’ve been told that when we are together he “only has eyes for me.” Thank you for your help.
~ Canada/Germany
Dear C/G,
The thing that concerns me is that you’ve only been together such a short period of time, less than two months, so it might be a little premature to start planning your future around him. With that said, you can never know too much, so looking into the visa process and saving up can only benefit you.
You do need to talk to him about goals and the future before you put any of this into motion. You may want to settle down soon, but that doesn’t mean he’s reached the same point in life. He may want to travel some more or perhaps he has a completely different plan for how his next ten years should unfold.
Wanting to set these things down in stone so early in a relationship can be alarming to some people, and cause them to back away, so I would caution you about bringing out the heavy stuff just yet. Have fun together, get to know each other and then see where it will take you.
Heartbreak is a risk in every relationship, but life is risk! You can’t live at all if you’re not willing to step out on a limb from time to time so give it a go. Isn’t it better to regret something you did than regret not doing it?
Dear Miss U,
First off, for my question I need some back story, so here it goes. My girlfriend and I have been in an LDR for almost 4 months, and just when we thought things were going smoothly she decides that just talking like we do (The only thing we can do as I’m in America and she’s in the United Kingdom) isn’t enough anymore and is seriously considering ending the relationship. We love each other in immeasurable bounds and have our entire lives planned around engagement and marriage to one another (though we are young and still a little wet behind the ears we have never felt so right about anyone else and both doubt that anyone else will be more so) the relationship is very taxing on both of us and we have both considered a break, but we couldn’t be separated without extreme depression and loss of interest in being “alive”. I got her a promise ring but it only helped for a few weeks. So I began to make plans to visit over the summer, the problem with this is that I am living in a religious house with restrictive parents who have already rejected my idea to visit her and are not happy about the relationship as it is. Where the real problem is out of all of this is that no matter how amazing I am to her I can’t be there when she needs me to hold her and verbally calming her down is not really working anymore. I really do love her and she feels the same about me. We need each other, but neither of us can visit the other due to school and parents. Is there any way to save this LDR?
~ Matthew J
Dear Matthew J,
I think your girlfriend needs to check into some realistic expectations. If she needs more from this relationship, she needs to meet you half way and at least make suggestions on how you can help her with that. In the event that the only thing that will be “enough” is having a physical presence with her, then this relationship is over and you need to let her go. It’s that simple.
You’re both 16, you’re obviously not closing the distance in any time frame that you would consider “soon” if four months of LDR is too much for her. Realistically she needs to be ok with a verbal/mental/emotional connection rather than a physical one if this is going to work. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but those are the facts.
There’s a lot you can do together besides just talking, depending on what technology you have available to help you of course, but some ideas include playing online games, writing letters to each other, watching movies or TV shows, sharing your favorite music, going for walks together, cooking, or working on a creative project together (Mr. E and I liked taking photos and photoshopping them, so that we had pictures of us together; for example.)
Lastly I want to caution you about giving into the drama of this situation. You both are complete individuals in your own right and need to have a reason to live and laugh outside of this relationship. It’s not healthy to live only for one person and you set yourself up for heartbreak if you attempt to do so. If you did break up it would be emotionally traumatizing, no doubt, but you both would go on. The end of a relationship, especially one you’ve been in for such a tiny fraction of your overall life, is not the end of the world.
You can save this LDR, but you both need to be realistic and patient if you’re going to succeed.
