Dear Miss U,
First of all thank you so much for setting up this website it has been really inspiring especially through tough times. My boyfriend and I love each other very much but recently after coming back from Wales he is not really sexually attracted to me anymore. He still shows affection by cuddles and hugs but he falls asleep instantly and never initiates anything. I was wondering, can this be due to long distance? I’m not sure what to think and I don’t want to ask anyone close to me. I tried talking to him about it but he assures me that nothing is wrong. Please I really need some guidance.
Thank you so much,
Sky Chatuchinda
Sky Chatuchinda,
Thank you for your praise, but I didn’t set up anything. I just work here. I wouldn’t want to be taking Michelle and Frank’s credit; they do a marvelous job for the LDR community.
There are many reasons I can think of that his interest in being intimate has decreased, and most of them have absolutely nothing to do with you. Before you worry too much, have a look at his situation. Is he particularly busy or stressed, possibly working or studying more than usual or having problems with his peers? Is his relationship with his family troubling him? Is he feeling depressed generally, or unfulfilled in some aspect of his life? Perhaps his body is a little run down and he doesn’t have the energy he’s used to. It’s easy for stressors in our everyday life to show up in the bedroom, so before you assume it’s something wrong with you or in the relationship make sure it isn’t something that may seem unrelated.
If nothing has changed and he is happy in all the other aspects of his life, it could be something as simple as his libido isn’t at its peak at night time. Try instigating sex at another time of the day, in the morning perhaps, jump into his shower or even a late afternoon foray before the TV gets turned on or dinner is served.
It is possible that being in a long distance relationship has taken its toll on him, however generally speaking the long periods without sex lend themselves to more action when you are together rather than less – unless he’s so deeply emotionally affected by the distance that it is causing problems in other areas of the relationship too. The dread of having to part with you again could be making him too depressed to fully enjoy your time together, but the only way to know for sure is if he opens up and tells you about it.
There is also the chance that you are coming out of the honeymoon stage, and things are settling down. Many couples have a little less sex once the relationship moves from being new into being comfortable. Maybe his libido isn’t as strong as he’s lead you to believe. Ask him if he is satisfied by the frequency of your sexual encounters and let him know how you feel when he doesn’t instigate. It’s ok to ask for more sex, as long as you are considerate of his feelings and willing to compromise.
If, however, you find that he is still masturbating, flirting and otherwise indicating his libido is as strong as ever there may be some cause for worry, but seeming he isn’t pulling away from you emotionally and you didn’t mention him rejecting your advances, my guess would be he’s just tired.
Keep the lines of communication open, and remember that the worst time/place to discuss sex is when and where you think you should be having it.
Dear Miss U,
I’m a single mom dating a pro football player. He plays arena ball but wants to make NFL. Prior, he had a 6-year, long distance relationship that ended after she cheated. Before meeting me he said he’d never be in another serious relationship until he makes his goal – NFL. We met while he played in my town, hit it off, he lived with us for 7 months after he got hurt, had back-to-back surgery and I rehabbed him. A month before leaving to return home (FL) he made the commitment to officially date and took me home to meet his fam. He hates long distance but we’re still doing this. I know he loves us. Ex: We have talked about my will. He said he’d want my son if anything happened to me. I won’t do that because we’re not married but it is admirable. His family loves me, too. His mom and sister contact me regularly and say they love me, plus my SO is a “mama’s boy”. They adore my son and brag on him, even have pictures of him up. Issue: SO is still chasing this goal of making NFL and I want kids. He doesn’t like discussing the future because he said he wants a more mature love than he had before. He said he and his ex talked about the future yet she ended up cheating on him. He wants to discuss the future when he’s ready. How long is too long to wait? He hopes to get seen by NFL with his new arena team but what if he doesn’t? He will be 29 in Dec! I’m left to wonder how long this will drag out. My mom says if he wasn’t serious he wouldn’t do a LDR with a single mom. Thoughts?
Janelle
Dear Janelle,
Six years is a long time to be long distance, so automatically it makes me wonder why he never closed the distance with that woman. Surely, if you’re that committed and planning a future, you wouldn’t take six years to make it happen, which leads me to believe he might fear settling down to a solid every-day commitment. Long distance relationships are hard and do take a lot of effort and commitment to make them work – but they are also very uninhibited. Long distance relationships hold a certain allure for people who don’t want to be locked in to the conventional family/relationship structure. Settling down and having kids smells a lot like giving up one’s freedom; my fear would be not that he won’t talk about the future yet, but that he might never be ready for it, or not on a time frame that comes close to corresponding with yours.
I think the biggest factor here is how long are you willing to wait to have more children? Once you know your limits it may be easier to approach him and say “I need to have another child in my belly by {this date}, I understand you don’t want to talk about the future right now but I’m only going to wait until {date}; and if by then you’re still not ready to put a plan in place and start working towards it, I’m going to have to move on.” Being upfront about it means he won’t feel blindsided later on. Let him know that you’re not going to pressure him right now, but that you’re also not going to wait forever.
With that said, I think nine months is way too soon to be tackling more than the most basic plans for the future. You deserve to know if he wants marriage, kids, property, etc in his future but in the first year I encourage people to be low pressure about it. He may want those things, but it doesn’t yet guarantee he wants them with you.
Personally I think wait for the year mark before expecting a deep discussion about the future, but that if it hasn’t happened by a year and a half, you may need to put yourself and your goals first and start looking elsewhere.
