Dear Miss U,
So I met my girlfriend by chance online, on a app for my phone that’s kinda like a dating app but really for just chats and stuff. We talked for about 2 weeks on there, then she gave me her number. I wasn’t looking for anything serious neither was she, just chatting. I was recently separated, and she had just moved to Hawaii from Oregon to escape an unpleasant breakup and start fresh. I was honest about my situation, likewise for her. We talked for about another month when reality set in, we are 1000’s of miles apart and this won’t work unless somebody moves… well I can’t move my kids are here. We stopped texting (our only form of communication) then she texted me and said she missed talking to me and we started up again. That was last July 4th, and we don’t go one day without texting, at least 50 times a day all day. We got to a point where we said I love you, and are working on getting her here. We have our first meeting planned in 3 weeks, and I can tell by the amount of texting she does, and she always says she loves me daily, she is serious. But she won’t answer when I call, ever. She avoids phone conversation, and only wants to text. I call but she never answers. I can’t imagine with how much she texts me that she could be in another relationship, and I know when she works and those are the only times she doesn’t text. Do you find this odd? She is really passionate in text, but doesn’t want an actual phone call? She initiated contact the second time, so I don’t get it
~ Cautious in the Carolinas
Perhaps she has an anxiety around speaking on the phone? Have you asked her why she never picks up or calls back?
~ Miss U
I have….and that’s generally what I have come to suspect. That she is just painfully shy. I have let my feelings l known about the issue, and I kinda feel dismissed. I don’t know, I know she has a shy nature, and I am really over the top outgoing….but it just seems to me that to put in so much effort…she would want to talk live. And if she was serious about her plans, that a live one on one conversation would be crucial. But things are still as active as ever between us, daily text, open feelings, love you’s, the whole bit. Maybe I am just paranoid.
Dear Cautious,
I really do not believe it is because she has something to hide, if she had something to hide I doubt she could find the time to text 50 times in a day. I know I don’t have anything to hide either, and I still can’t find time to text that much! Nor do I think she is just trying to dismiss you. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but for some people phones are just too daunting. Maybe you can ease her into it by showing her just how great live talking can be. Perhaps you could have her agree to answer a call on Skype or some other messaging service where you can talk to her and she can respond by typing until she is ready to speak. Sometimes knowing someone supports you (even if you’re being unreasonable) is all it takes.
For safety reasons I always insist people have at least one webcam session before meeting in person. Photos can be faked very easily. You could be texting anyone. The chances that whoever you are texting is who they say they are is pretty good, but there are enough horror stories to make it not worth the risk. Also, having heard each other’s voices, getting used to each other’s accents and way of speech will help make conversation less awkward when you are face to face. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile that the person you’ve been speaking to online or texting is now the person standing in front of you.
After your first visit, you both may find that texting is no longer enough. If you can’t get her to talk on the phone before then, perhaps knowing you better will be the cure. Just be patient. Ask her what you can do to meet her half way on this issue, but accept that if it’s a true fear it may take years to overcome.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I are preparing to begin a long term, long distance relationship when I go off to college across the country. We’re young, and we (me especially) have some pretty strong hormones. We haven’t done much besides kissing because we are afraid of what might happen if we develop a more physical relationship and lose that when I leave. So, in short, how would sex affect our long distance relationship?
Cadet
Dear Cadet,
Sex means something different to everybody, so this question is particularly difficult to answer. I ran your question by three other people who have experience with long distance relationships, all with different values, and got a different answer each time.
One person responded that you should continue as you have done, not delving into intimacy, instead waiting until after college for marriage. This lady believed that if you loved each other, you would wait. She also suggested that you may just be comfortable in this relationship together rather than in love, and that you may meet somebody in college whom you truly love, and at that point you may feel bad for having taken your current girlfriend’s virginity. I personally do not agree with this view point, I am merely sharing it with you so that you can make up your own mind.
I spoke to two men as well (keeping your autonomy at all times, of course) one of which simply said “Don’t start something you cannot stop” and the other suggested that it’s highly unlikely you’re going to get through college without temptation, and even if you do, would you really want to be that age and still a virgin? It was suggested that perhaps having some sexual history together – knowing that part of your relationship is great when you’re together in person – could help strengthen your resolve to maintain the relationship at a distance.
These view points helped me to figure out how I feel on the matter, to best advise you, but I do think you both should just consider all the possibilities and then just follow your own instincts as it is very personal.
I believe that sex is a very important part of a relationship; a corner stone. I personally would not be interested in a long term platonic relationship, I don’t think that is at all fulfilling, and I recommend to people that they keep their sexual relationship alive while long distance. Would it be hard to give up sex so soon after discovering it? Yes, it will be. For a lot of people, once they unlock that aspect of their life they throw themselves into it with full force, like any novelty. It can be hard to imagine how you lived without it. But with all the drawbacks, I really believe that if you are both ready for it, sex is worth the additional challenges that will come with it. When you go off to college, regardless of whether you and your girlfriend have had sex, there will be temptation, opportunities and more than likely, copious amounts of alcohol to impair your judgement. It’s not going to matter if you’ve had sex before or not. If you have, you’ll know what you’re missing and you’ll want to have it again, but if you have not then you’ll ache to experience that and the temptation of something new and exciting will be just as great. Teach yourself to associate sex with her, and only her. Masturbate together over skype while you’re apart, send each other raunchy messages, and if you’re both comfortable with the idea you could exchange risqué photos to enjoy on those lonely nights. Remember you will have visits too, and they will be all the sweeter for the heightened passion that comes with waiting a long time to be intimate.
All in all, you know you have a lot to gain, and you know the risks. Sex can make a LDR more challenging because it adds another thing for you to miss, but it can also help you keep your bond strong over the distance, because when you run out of things to talk about, it you will have something you both enjoy to do together which can nurture the bond. You can spend many hours discussing your fantasies, looking together online at toys or talking about technique and simple things you would like to try. Your sexuality can enhance your bond together, and give you another special thing with each other that you don’t have with anyone else.
