Anxiety and Depression

Dear Anxiety,

Anxiety, like other mental health problems, is a legitimate medical concern. You need to be talking to your doctor about this. I have experience with social anxiety and general anxiety disorders, so I can pass on my tips and tricks for that, but for your specific type of anxiety I’m not the right match for. Treat your mental health like you would your physical health.

So, managing anxiety. The key things here are:

1) Getting enough sleep (which is hard when you’re anxious, I know).

2) Eating well. I manage my disorder with a Whole Food Plant Based diet and I love it, I recommend it and have never felt better, but I recognize it’s not for everyone. You can check out Dr. Michael Greger’s work if you’re interested. If not, minimize processed foods, including soda, cheese, and other junk.

3) Ditch the caffeine. I love coffee, so I personally struggle with this one. I also suffer from depression, and studies show that coffee has positive outcomes for people with depression, but the magic brown potion doesn’t love me back. When I’m feeling anxious, or know I’m going into a triggering situation, I have to do the right thing and not consume it.

4) Exercise. Half an hour of moderate exercise a day is your minimum standard. Go outside. Take the stairs instead of the lift. Move your body. Once you’re getting that minimum, start aiming for an hour of moderate to heavy exercise every day. It’s hard at first, but you will notice an increase in your mental health if you stick to it.

5) Do something for yourself every day. A hobby or pet project. Even if you feel like you don’t have the energy, try it. Investing in our personal leisure time is critical for our self-worth.

Beyond mental health basics, what about WiFi? Sure, he might run out of credit/minutes/data (whatever it’s called where you are) but WiFi is becoming a very common thing. Can’t he pop into the library, or fast food joint, or café, or walk down a main street that has WiFi and get in touch with you? Can’t he work on his budget so he can afford to pay for Straight Talk on a regular monthly basis with no gaps?

What about you? Can you call him? Do you have computers at home you could use to communicate? Can you talk over Facebook messenger calling or Skype? Should he be going without a phone for a couple of months to use that money on establishing a better/more stable way to stay in contact with you?

If the answers are all no, fair enough. That happens sometimes. There was a horrible period of my life where I didn’t have the money to eat, never mind paying for international phone calls. We would go weeks or even months at a time without being able to connect in real time. I can relate! What we did to get through that was write letterbooks. That is, we got cheap notebooks from the dollar store and we’d write in them every day. We constantly updated our letters to each other and used our books to reply to the previous book we’d swapped.

Between us, we have 14 full books from that period. Diaries where we talked about everything in our lives and bared our souls to each other. It could be really helpful for you to start doing this. Write to him as if you were talking to his face, or texting online. Write every time you’re lonely, scared, or anxious. And in time you’ll have old books of his to read over when you’re not coping and you’ll know that even when you’re not talking, he’s thinking about you. Writing to you. Working toward a future with you.

One thing I know about separation anxiety from parenting small children is that it’s addressed by building up trust. You’ve got to get that kid to understand and believe that you will return. That you love them even when you’re away. That they are safe. Once they trust that you’ve got them, no matter where they are, the anxiety generally lifts. They trust you will come back, that you won’t abandon them.

In theory, you need to give him the opportunity to build that trust with you, and I think letterbooks are a great way to do that.

Dear Teena,

As with Anxiety’s letter above, you need to see your doctor about this. This is a medical issue, like heart disease. You’d never write to someone online and say, “How do you cope with heart disease?” right? You can die from depression and anxiety, just like you can die from heart disease. Take it seriously, see your doctor. And if your doctor doesn’t help, ask a different doctor until you get the referral you need.

With that said, I’ve posted my five key elements that I use to manage my own mental health in the letter above, so check that out. Don’t be ashamed, just get help. Life is so much more beautiful once you do!

With that said, four days can feel like forever. You absolutely shouldn’t feel down on yourself for that. There was a time I had to go months without speaking to my partner. Years without meeting. But now? If he works overtime for a few days in a row I’m a mess. I coped better with being long distance than I do a week running this house on my own. It’s all about where we’re at in life, what our support systems are like, our resources... everything! So be kind to yourself.

If you can go away when he does, or have someone come stay with you, do so. Try to plan things you’ll look forward to in his absence, and call on your support people to help keep you afloat until you find your doctor match and get to a healthier place mentally.

Even though you feel fine when your boyfriend is around, you still need to address this with your doctor. Don’t tell yourself things like “It’s not bad enough” or “I’m not sick enough.” You are. And you deserve to not feel this way. You deserve help.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.

In kindness,