Are You Too Clingy?

Dear Clementine,

You need to cut yourself some slack! Like with any new undertaking, you can’t expect to be good at The Distance right away. It takes time to adjust and pick up the skills you will need to get through. It’s also perfectly fine to be a little clingy, (particularly around your period). There’s nothing wrong with loving and missing your partner! I would think if you could slide seamlessly into a LDR from living together, there’s cause for concern, honestly. It’s a big deal, it should affect both of you.

It’s great that he reads and remembers what you say in your messages, and that you both have an understanding that he can’t always reply. That’s a really good sign. You’ve also set up a calling routine, and speak with each other every day – kind of like how you would have come home to each other when you were living together. It’s normal to be upset if you miss that daily call, and it should remain one of your highest priorities every day. Yes, sometimes one of you might be camping, far out of range of cell phone service, or a big event will keep you apart, but generally speaking those calls are the backbone of your relationship. They are sacred. By showing up for them every day you’re both silently declaring “This relationship is important to me. You are a priority in my life, no matter what is going on, I won’t forget you.” So if he can’t call one day? Give yourself the grace to be sad about it.

You’re right too that LDR is an opportunity for growth. It can be a positive experience. There are a bunch of cute and fun things you can only get away with doing in a long distance relationship. Look for reasons to be happy, and when you catch the suspicious, jealous, undermining thoughts creeping in, fight back.

Make reasons for why he missed your call. Maybe he’s talking to his mum. Maybe he’s pooping. Maybe his lecture ran late and he’s just about to text that he’ll call in an hour. Keeping each other in the loop when calls can’t be made (and always having a good reason) will help you build a sense of security.

If you have the privacy and it doesn’t go against any of your moral beliefs, feel free to masturbate together too. Get your kink on! Your sex life doesn’t stop just because you physical proximity does. People used to ask me when I was in a LDR “Aren’t you worried he’s cheating?” but they learned to mind their own business pretty fast when I’d respond, “No, we masturbate way too much for that to be possible.” Seriously though, I felt confident our sex life remained about as satisfying as it could get considering our circumstances, and always knew that his love for me would fill the gap that was left.

Society bombards us with the idea that men are just beasts that can’t help themselves. School dress codes tell us that if a guy sees our shoulder he might be so distracted by our beauty that he can’t study. “Boys will be boys,” parents say, laughing, as their son pinches little girl’s bottoms on the playground. “He pulls your hair and teases you because he likes you,” we tell our little girls. But honestly? All society is doing is demeaning the majority of men, who are decent, kind, loving and respectful. Your boyfriend is not a slave to his penis. He can say no, even in the face of temptation, and he will. Just as you will say no, when temptation presents itself to you. Tell yourself this as many times as you need to for it to sink in.

While you’re at it, make a list of all the reasons you are perfect for each other, from “we’re both savers not spenders” to “we have the same filthy bad habit” or even “we both hate mushrooms.” Don’t just think about it, actually make a physical list of why you are great for each other. Then when you start to think “I’m not pretty enough,” you can go to the list and see all the things that matter more than your looks. (Remember too that beautiful is subjective, and there are many different types of beautiful. Flowers are beautiful but geometry is also beautiful and the two things are nothing alike.)

You are strong and I know it because strong people who care about their relationships reach out for help. Strong people recognize their weaknesses and try to work on them. Strong people think about their partner’s needs as well as their own and seek to balance the two. You’ve got this Clementine, even if you don’t realize it yet.

Beyond that, look to your self-care. Make time for that thing that makes you feel at peace. Maybe it’s reading, or taking long baths, or blogging. Whatever your thing is, do it to feed your soul and don’t feel guilty. Make chillax part of your daily plan and be your own best friend.

Dear AIO,

If you didn’t read it on your way down here, take a moment to scroll up and read the reply I wrote to Clementine.

In short: No, it’s not too much to expect to have a call every day. You’re not clingy, he’s an ass. I could come up with a multitude of suggestions for how to win his attention, but honestly my friend, you’re not a performing seal. You’re not here for his entertainment (arguably neither are seals, but I’m trying not to go off on an animal-rights tangent!) and if your partner makes you feel like you are bothering them, it’s time to cut that negativity out of your life.

I get asked fairly regularly how much talk time is too much in a long distance relationship, and how much contact people should aim for. I tell them three text messages a day (not conversations, single messages) and an hour on the phone is the minimum standard for a work/school day, and to aim for at least one longer conversation on the weekend, or a Skype date, if you can manage it. If you’re expecting him to spend four plus hours a night, every night, on the phone to you then yes, you’re being clingy and taking over his life. That kind of contact isn’t sustainable (though it is fun in short bursts) and could wind up unhealthy for both of you. But if you’re just wanting to connect each day and feel like you’re actually in a relationship (which is what it sounds like from your letter) then it’s time to consider that maybe he’s not mature enough for a real relationship.

It sounds to me like he doesn’t realize you’re a real person that exists independently of his whims. You’re not an object, a plaything that he only contacts when he’s bored, so don’t for even a moment think it’s normal or acceptable for him to talk to you in this way.

I’m sorry you got the rotten apple. Toss this one into the compost, give yourself time to heal, and then try again. You can do better than him.