My girlfriend and I have been together a long time, and after we graduated high school she went to uni and I continued my advancing my career. I’ve always been a busy person, but lately she has grown more busy and somewhat distant than I feel like I have been. We don’t talk much anymore and when we do it’s during commutes or on walks. Never do we sit and talk anymore, and when we do talk, I feel like we care less and less about our separate lives. She doesn’t want to hear about my work gossip and I don't know anything about music or university life, and I find we are just waiting for gaps in each other’s conversation to talk about our own lives again. We have similar interests but we never have time to do them anymore and when I ask she often brushes me off, saying she isn’t at home or won’t be until late. I'm glad she is finally finding her place in the world, but it kind of feels like there isn’t room for me in her new life. What should I do?
Snow
Dear Snow,
Has hard as it’s going to be, you need to tell her these things. She needs to know you don’t feel like you’re being given a place in her new life, and that you feel unheard, uninteresting when she rejects the space you’re trying to make for her in yours (by sharing your work stories, talking about hobbies, etc.)
Life does get busy; that’s a fact for most people these days. Society demands that we stay as busy as possible, often to a point of unhealthfulness. But the thing is we all make time for the people and activities that matter. If she wants to keep you, she needs to make you a priority.
You need to say clearly and honestly, “This isn’t working. Please help me make it better.” Then you talk about what each of you need, what each of you have to offer. The compromises you can make, and the new attitudes you can develop to sustain those changes. Make it clear while you’re talking that this isn’t about blame. You’re on the same team. Over time, you’ve both let the relationship slip off the edge of the cliff and now you have to work together to haul your relationship to safety. Remind her about all the things that make you a great couple, and recognise how hard she’s working to create a future for both of you, while reminding her that the present is important too. Your relationship isn’t on pause – it’s active and it has needs.
Just be honest with her. That’s the only way forward. This isn’t something that can be fixed by you alone. The thing that holds relationships together is fun, but you can’t get the fun back if your partner doesn’t participate, so present the idea of fortnightly date nights. There are plenty of fun and relaxing things you can do at a distance to improve not only your relationship but your quality of life. Humans need fun, and if her mind equates you with a good time, she’s that much more likely to put in the effort to spend time with you.
My boyfriend and I met almost 2.5 years ago, our senior year of high school. He moved 6 hours away after graduation to college. The first year was rocky, he hid many things from me and although he said he never cheated, I found things like pictures of him with girls in his room his first year. He ended up switching roommates and was surrounded by better friends and a better environment.
After the first year, he tried to transfer closer to home to a different school because he hated the first one. His parents said if he moved home, he has to end his relationship with me. At almost 20 years old, in the second year of LDR, his parents still control when we hang out, and how much time we spend together on breaks. It’s so frustrating that we spend so much time apart, just to be kept apart when he comes to visit. The distance is hard enough, even though we learned a lot from the first year. What can I do about his parents controlling our time together?
Molly
Dear Molly,
Ultimately, you can’t do anything. I mean, you can try to win their favor. You can ask them why they don’t like you and try to come to an understanding, but at the end of the day they aren’t the problem. Your boyfriend is.
I think we need to look at why he gives his parents so much power. Are they controlling him financially and he’s afraid of losing their support, or is he a complete mummy’s boy and doesn’t want to hurt their feelings?
What is the underlying reason? What does he say to them when they come out with these hurtful and manipulative things? And is he willing to do something about it?
Here’s what worries me: even as a grown woman I have peers who are married to men who are still controlled by their parents, and it’s not pretty. This is a situation that doesn’t get better by simply being ignored. What is now them saying how often he can see you could in ten years become them telling you how to keep your house and raise your children. Some of my friends have had showdowns with their in-laws and eventually found mutual respect, but for the majority if their partner is siding with the parents or staying neutral it’s an argument that persists the duration of the relationship.
What is your boyfriend’s attitude about what’s happening? Does he act like their meddling is a fact that will never change? Does he rebel against it? Does he defend you, or defend them to you? These are the signs you need to proceed.
He’s a grown up. They can only stop him seeing you if he lets them. What is he doing to fix this situation? If the answer is “nothing” you need to ask yourself if that will still be okay in five, ten, or thirty years.
If they are a big part of his life, it’s a close family, and they dislike you for you, I wouldn’t recommend signing up for a lifetime subscription. Family are forever. If he can’t or won’t get them to step back and stop meddling in your relationship, don’t stay for the long haul, no matter how much it hurts to say goodbye.
You’re never going to control his parents, but you can control your reaction to them.
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