Dear Miss U,
I have been dating a boy for a year and a half now. It has always been a monogamous relationship, but we’ve had a lot of challenges that have put up roadblocks in our relationship. We met in college my freshman year and worked together. We were essentially best friends, always platonic. We each had a long term relationship and both ended badly. Ever since last May we have been inseparable. I lived with him for a few months and he wanted to have an official relationship, but I didn’t think I was ready yet. After about seven months, I realized I had much stronger feelings and that I loved him. I was leaving to study abroad in Paris for 4 months so we talked everything out. While I was gone things were hard but we were great. About a week after I returned, he graduated and moved back home (3 hours away). He doesn’t want a long distance relationship because he thinks one of us will get hurt. He is rooted in his area, but I graduate this year and I would be happy to make the move to make this work. It is very clear that we both love each other very much, but our finances and his insecurities have been getting in our way. Should I keep pretending this is working for me even though we both know I want more or should I play along until we can physically be together again? We see each other at least once a month and any way you look at our relationship, we are 110% together. What is he afraid of?
Heavy Heart
Dear Heavy Heart,
What would change other than your titles if you were officially together? What are you afraid of that has stopped you from having this discussion with him already?
I find that a lot of the time people are already in a relationship and they just have not admitted it to themselves. Likely if this goes nowhere, you’ll both still be hurt, regardless of the fact you’re not a couple. Perhaps it would be beneficial for him to realize that.
You’re monogamous. You’re in love. You maintain contact. You visit. One of you is willing to move to close the distance. You’re 110% together. I can’t see a problem here. Just be honest with each other, define what you need and what you’re willing to give to get that. Put your heart out there. Be not afraid.
Dear Miss U,
My significant other and I started dating my junior year of high school which was his senior year. We had a real connection and have been together ever since. He moved away about a month ago to San Antonio which is about 600 miles away from where I live. I’m still in high school, this is my senior year. My bf is normally a very loving and caring person towards me but lately he has been very distant. He says he trusts me but he always asks what I did throughout the day and who I was with when I did whatever I tell him I did. I don’t mind the questions because I have nothing to hide but lately he hasn’t been asking me any questions. I know it’s weird but it feels like he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t tell me he loves me or misses me anymore and when I say it to him he’ll either just say okay or change the subject completely. I brought this up to him a few days ago and he said that being in a relationship is not his main concern and that he just doesn’t “feel” like acting loving towards me and doesn’t want to be forced to do so. I asked him if he really wanted to pursue this relationship and he said that if I wanted to be in a relationship then we would. He never answered whether or not that is what HE wanted. I’m just really confused as to what to do, how to approach him, etc. I ask him to talk about everything but he doesn’t feel anything is wrong so he doesn’t really take the talk seriously. Please help!
Bethany
Dear Bethany,
I too would be concerned. It is almost as though he wishes to end this relationship, but he doesn’t want to be the one to do it. He has told you that the relationship is not a priority for him, and that he doesn’t feel like acting lovingly towards you. That in itself is pretty clear. It seems like he has already checked out and that if you want more from this relationship – or indeed anything – you’ll need to seek it elsewhere. I am sorry that you are being treated so poorly after everything that has gone into this relationship.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, he lives in Florida and I live in Canada. He flew out to meet me for the first time a few weeks ago. Since he left, I have been acting a widow! Smelling the pillow he used, leaving his stuff where he left it, though I cry whenever I see it. We broke up a couple weeks before he came to visit because I told him that I could never move, as I have a young son I am raising alone and the only family he really has lives up here! I could never do something so selfish as to demand he move to a new country for me! He said he understood, and we talked it through and met anyways. My question is this: I cannot handle the distance now that we have met. Is it irrational to want to move anyway? He is going ahead with his career and such in Florida, and I am worried that he will never move… I miss him so much! I don’t know what to do. I just want to be with him! Should I leave my family behind and move with my son (who also loves him, by the way) to be with the man I love?
Monica
Dear Monica,
As a parent myself, I would move. Moving does not mean he’s never going to see his family again. There will be visits, letters and Skype. Children are hardy little creatures, better able to adjust and thrive than we give them credit for. Having a child isn’t a sentence either. It’s not a term of servitude during which you must forgo everyone or everything that makes you happy. One move isn’t going to destroy his childhood, and besides that children with happy parents are more inclined to thrive and know happiness themselves.
Prepare well, don’t rush in, but by all means don’t think you have to pass up this opportunity at love.
