Miss You Issues: Begging For Contact - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I’ve known my girlfriend for well over a year, but through bumps, bruises, a falling out when I moved to a full-time job and then a re-kindled connection, we became attached at the hip. She’s in California and I’m in Melbourne, Australia – quite the distance.

She confessed her love to me first, and we already had a connection despite our hiccups (as best friends), and I knew that was the moment I fell in love too.

We text, and send pictures, but haven’t progressed to Skype. However, there have been a few periods now where she’s gone for a week, or fortnight, with no contact, and I put more effort in. She tells me she’s been busy with school and work and I accept it all, but I just feel like I’m losing the spark. The love we have/had has just flickered out. When I get to talk to her it’s not for long, she’s already come out and told me she lied about something, but we moved past that because of her honesty (and it wasn’t cheating) and despite what she says about being committed, it doesn’t come through. Should I be worrying now, at this stage, with both of us mature enough to be responsible? I feel like my love is slipping and the spark has disappeared. I feel like my effort has died off and there’s not much else to do except hope. Do I bide my time & try get her to respond, or look at cutting it?

Thanks,

Confused Deadline

Dear Confused Deadline,

What was your communication like before you committed to each other? Is it possible she doesn’t realise that with commitment comes a greater obligation to keep in contact?

I would, when possible, sit her down for a solid conversation covering both of your needs and basic expectations in a relationship. It might feel awkward but the best way to get the information you need to make an informed choice is to ask pointed questions. It is important to be on the same page.

If this gets you nowhere, I’d look at cutting it.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. However, two months into our relationship he left the country for five months and whilst he was away things were hard but we got through it. Now that he is back he has gotten a new job which means he works long hours as he is trying to save money for flight school. His new job means we don’t speak as much as we used to. I’ve suggested alternatives on our how to fix our communication problems (Skyping at least once a week or just sending me a quick text to let me know he is thinking about me) which he does for a week but then he gets complacent and then stops making the effort. He is about to leave for flight school in South Africa in June which means our distance is about to get bigger. I want to fix our problems now so that when he away we will have some routine and we’ll know how to make it work whilst he is away for 14 months. Am I not being understanding enough about his busy schedule? How do I keep myself sane when he is busy at work because I keep nagging him and it is putting a strain on our relationship?

Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

From the way you write it sounds like you’re fighting to get any communication at all, is that right? The way I see it is that we make time for the things and people we truly care about, even if we are busy. That might mean your only contact could be one deeply heartfelt massage texted to you during his daily poop, and a three minute voice mail he left as he laid down in bed at night (for example) but from those small things you could draw strength knowing he thinks of you even when he has no time, longs for you, and most importantly loves you. If you can feel his love during the hard times it makes the wait bearable. Having to beg for contact doesn’t give a person that security.

I don’t think asking for a Skype call once a week and 1-3 texts a day is too much to ask, but if it is you might have to rely on contact that isn’t made in real time, particularly if time zones are shortening your window of opportunity to talk. Two lengthy emails a week might be more manageable that one Skype call, for example. Just make sure whatever you both agree to that there is a method of quality communication in there (phone or Skype call lasting at least an hour, email of 1000 words or greater, etc. I don’t consider text messages or Snapchat to be a quality form of communication.)

There’s only so many times you can ask him to stay in touch before you need to ask yourself if it might be time to move on however.

You can choose not to nag him. Text a friend you have been neglecting. Work on a craft project. Clean something. Donate your time to charity. Get some exercise. Spend time with your family and on pursuits that better your future. And look at the clock! Don’t deliberately try to get in contact if you know he’ll be busy or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Aim for his lunch break, before or after work or contact him using a platform that doesn’t indicate you expect an immediate response (letters, email, offline messaging) but realise there is only so much you can do. He needs to meet you half way and try to address your emotional needs, if he can not it might be better to part ways.

Dear Miss U,

I have a friend named Wina. She was my seatmate when we were in elementary school. At that time I hated her but as years passed, I learned how much I cared for her. And when we graduated at our elementary school, she said that she was going to enroll at a private school. So we parted ways. And that time, I realized how I love her so much.. It’s been 8 to 9 years since I saw her.. we are now in our third year of college in different schools and I just want to confess to her and I don’t know what will be her reaction. I don’t know what to do when she’s in front of me… if I tell her how I feel from the start will she feel the same?? Please answer thanks XD

Mario

Dear Mario,

I may have read your letter wrongly, but it seems as though you’re telling me you used to know a girl 8 years ago and although you haven’t been in contact all that time you now want to go to her and confess your feelings, which is downright creepy.

You don’t know this woman, much less love her. You are in love with the idea of her; that is all. In this situation I strongly recommend you invite her to lunch in a safe public place and begin to get to know her again. In time feelings may naturally grow between you and solve your problem.

If I have wrongly understood your letter and you do communicate with each other, just haven’t been in physical proximity for all this time, then you should have some inkling of how this conversation will go. If she’s never given you reason to suspect she’s interested in a relationship with you, then it’s quite possible she only thinks of you as a friend, but you will never know for sure unless you take the risk and broach the subject. Try something low pressure such as, “Would you like to go on a date sometime? How about for dinner on Friday?” and go from there instead of making a huge declaration.

Over all, women are just people. Don’t be afraid to talk to her openly.