Miss You Issues: Being a Team - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend visited recently and he told me he won’t be back for a long while due to the expenses. I know this trip put a dent in his wallet and I appreciate that he came out. He isn’t being cheap out selfishness as he spoiled me when I visited him, granted we didn’t go all out or anything. He feels bad that the travel will be one-sided and feels like he can’t reciprocate. The travel costs for me is not an issue and I just don’t want to be taken advantage of. When I do go down there, I will not need to pay for a motel as I can stay w/him. Depending on our situation, I am looking to maybe move down to live closer since I can transfer jobs. What are your thoughts?

Travel Woes

Dear Travel Woes,

I have two thoughts. 1) If you stay together forever your finances are a communal pool. There’s no logic in being 50/50 because you want to both share prosperity and the experiences it brings. Also while right now you are the one with more finances that doesn’t mean your relationship will always be this way. Our fortunes and needs fluctuate over the course of a lifetime.

2) Money is not the only resource we have at our disposal. Take account of all resources when trying to figure out what is fair and equal. He might not have money but if he’s providing food and shelter that’s still a contribution of resources. Or if you pay for him to travel, yes it’s your money but it’s his time/ effort and he can also do things while visiting you to carry his own weight (as Mum would say).

Moving closer sounds great if you are happy to do so. No doubt there are risks and big changes, but that’s no reason not to chase after your happiness.

Trust yourself.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have recently started a long distance relationship. Before he moved away for work we used to live together so we saw each other every day and on the rare occasion we didn’t we’d always call each other to talk about our day. Now that he’s working we’re on such different schedules that we have no time to talk! We’re not big texters and even if we were I can’t text during class and he can’t text during work. We just can never catch each other at a good time. He gets up early I get up late; he works 8-6 and I don’t get up until 9. I have class until 8 pm at which time he’s at the gym from 8-10pm. At 10 pm he goes to bed and I’m doing homework. I’ve heard that communication is key in long distance relationships so I guess my question is: what do we do to communicate when the timing never lines up?? I already feel lonely and abandoned from the situation itself, and I don’t want that to strain our relationship because we were so good before this darn job!

Thanks in advance,
Dasha

Dear Dasha,

It’s hard, but when the timing just doesn’t line up, you step in and make a change to make it happen. You make time, the same way you would for anything that was a priority in your life. Going purely on the times you’ve given me the easiest solution seems to be for you to get up early, talk to him and do your homework before class, and then go to bed earlier to compensate. Shift your day by a couple of hours and see if that frees you up a little. Beyond that, try emails or drop box each other video logs. Communication is key, but it doesn’t have to be done in real time if that’s not possible.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We have our ups and downs but we also talked about getting married.

I am originally from Europe and currently working in the USA on a visa which restricts me to the types of jobs that I would like to and can apply to. I could continue my job here in the USA for 1 more year (possible extension) but would not really have good job perspectives.

Alternatively, I got a very good job offer from Europe that would allow me to potentially start a very good career.

I am not sure what to do. We both have been stressed about the situation and cried a lot. It is just so depressing and feels like a bad dream.

Thanks for your help.
Anderle

Dear Anderle,

At three years in I believe a couple ought to know if this relationship is a keeper, and only under the most dire circumstances (proximity to care for a serious illness for example) would I suggest moving away from each other at this point, but from what you’ve said if you don’t move for this opportunity this year, next year you will be forced to move anyway because of your visa. Working a job you hate forever is also not an option. It looks to me like you have to move so you may as well go while there’s a job on offer.

I think it’s time to start talking about him living in your country for a while. Could you not move back together? Could this not be turned into an exciting opportunity for both of you? You’ve taken your turn living in his country, now he can take a chance in yours and then together you can look at the best place for you to settle and start a family if those things are appealing to you. If not, you might find you both love travel and you can choose a new location to move to and work for a few years.

The way I see it is this:
* Your career is equal in importance to his.
* You are on the same team.
* You both want each other to be happy.
* Staying together should be a priority.
* A move doesn’t have to be forever.
* Perspective is everything.