Dear Miss U,
We’ve only been dating for 3 months, roughly, and we have both told each other we love each other. We are best friends and have fallen in love faster than anything. It’s a scary experience, especially since he has just started going to college in Arizona. We are both from the same area in California. We went from seeing each other every day to being on FaceTime every now and then and some phone calls here and there. There is barely any text messaging going on in between these conversations. I understand that he has to “grow up” and become his own person in Arizona; but, how am I supposed to handle all of the Arizona girls who are hitting on him and flirting with him? It happened when he was with me in California, but now I can’t be there to actually do anything about it. What should I do?
– New and Confused
Dear NaC,
All you can do, all any of us can do, is be the best you that you can be. Be yourself, be irresistible, be everything he wants in a partner and it doesn’t matter who flirts with him because he isn’t going to notice. Allowing him to grow as a person and have his experiences while still being the girl he looks forward to telling about his adventures the most puts you in a powerful position.
Being jealous about other women won’t get you anywhere, nor will giving in to any urges you have to be controlling and expecting a play-by-play of his day (We all get the temptation I’m sure, but it’s destructive) so don’t be that girl.
Dear Miss U,
I know we haven’t been together long, but he is so sweet and kind and just a great person. Our age difference is a little big but still we care about each other. But the thing is, how do I know I can trust him? I’ve tried to ask him questions, but I get scared. And sometimes he acts funny when he answers. I’m just scared of what I’m going to find out or what I’m going to think. Please help!
-Trusty Girl
Listen Trusty,
You never know you can trust a person. Not really. Because of this I assume everyone is worthy of my trust until they show me otherwise, and then they lose it and earn it all back at a painstaking rate. You’ll figure out a system that works for you in time. The best guide you have is your instinct – your gut feeling. You know when you feel like he’s acting funny about something, but you couldn’t really describe what’s different? That feeling. If you feel like something’s not right, don’t over think it, just listen to that extra sense.
On being afraid of what you’ll think of things he will say; it takes time and practice to be open minded. It’s a learned skill as much as a natural inclination for some people. If he says something that has you taken aback, try to consider it from a new point of view. Most things in life are not black and white, and even if you don’t agree with each other you can enjoy interesting and enriching discussions.
With the age difference, three years is nothing when you’re older. It only seems like a lot now because in your teens you’re growing and changing so fast. Just make sure both of you are ready to take the relationship at your pace (not his), enjoy yourselves, and don’t stress over things. Most of the time, whatever the issue is, it’s only half as big as it feels.
Dear Miss U,
Okay, first please don’t say anything about my age. I’ve heard it a million times I realize I’m young I don’t need to hear it again. Anyways, we’ve been dating since September of 2012 and the first few months were amazing, and I felt the love and it was just beautiful. And now we’re almost a year and still haven’t seen each other. I am so stressed, like BEYOND stressed. I get anxiety and just sad all the time from this relationship. I just don’t know what to do to feel that love again, it literally keeps me motivated. It’s like fuel. And I’m just getting tired of it. I love him so much and I want to make it work but I’m tired of the way I feel. I’m not happy. I mean is this even normal? I just need help guys. I don’t know what to do.
– Alicia
Dear Alicia,
The last letter was from someone even younger than you, and I didn’t say anything, did I? Whilst I think teens probably have much better things to be doing than worrying about relationships, I’m not here to judge or belittle anyone about their ages. It’s your life, you live it how you want (as long as no one’s getting hurt). It’s probably not the best idea to assume people are going to talk down at you about your age as any time you’re defensive about something, you show people an obvious weakness and that’s bad because the world tends to be full of people ready to exploit said weaknesses. Conduct yourself as an adult and people will treat you as one.
By “still haven’t seen each other” I’m going to assume you’ve never met in person. A year feels like forever doesn’t it? And yet, each year passes faster than the one before (you might have to wait until your thirties to feel the truth of that though, in the meantime take my word for it?) and it’s Christmas again before you know it. I know many people who waited years before they finally had the means to finally meet in person. One friend dated this boy she met in an online game for five long years, exclusive to each other, before they met. That was three years ago now, and they are still struggling to close the distance. It sucks, but I’m telling you this to give you a bit of perspective. Sometimes you really do have to wait for the things that mean the most to you. Because you are young, likely not earning a ton of money and not having the freedoms of an adult, prepare your mind and accept that this might take a while. Acceptance is a fantastic tool – when you acknowledge something and truly accept it, it loses the power it once had over you. No, I’m not saying you’re magically never going to get sad and lonely again, but recognizing this is a choice you have made and remembering why tips some of the power back into your hands.
Contrary to what popular culture would have you believe, relationships are not supposed to be that hard. If you’re stressed, sad and anxious constantly, you need to rethink if this is worth it; if this is the relationship that you want to be in. How is this benefiting you, in the here and now? Misery isn’t romantic.
One of the times we feel the most loved and in love with our partners is when we are having fun with them, and when they are making us smile. Try to bring the fun back and see if that re-ignites things for you. Meanwhile do things in your own life apart from him to manage your stress and anxiety (many people have great success with meditation and yoga, but any form of exercise will release feel-good hormones and help bring you back into a balance.) and to give your life meaning and motivation. It’s not healthy to rely on another person or your relationship with them to drive you forward. Be fulfilled and happy in yourself – like a cake. Be an awesome cake, and then let them be the icing on top.
