This is technically not a *relationship* anymore so I'm not sure if you can help - I wrote to you a couple of months ago about my boyfriend moving away (It's OK not to be OK) and you replied (thank you!) but one day too late. I got overwhelmed and he broke up with me.
He said that he was not happy anymore but that he didn't think he could give me what I needed. I realize now that I was asking for more than I needed and was being selfish, but I have no way to tell him that I was wrong and that he had been giving me what I needed. Actually, now he really isn't. I thought we weren't talking enough before but now he has refused to talk to me for the last 6 weeks and I realize how much that was!
I'm hurting so so much and I just want to talk to him about it, but he won't answer my texts. I'm also worried about him: he seems to have dropped all of his friends from home and is throwing himself into his new life abroad (no one has heard from him) even though he'll be back in under two months. I'm worried and I want to tell him but I also want to understand - particularly why he would rather never speak to me again than try to work through it. I guess everything was too much and has ruined us? I can't help but hope for when he gets back but maybe he will still keep avoiding me. How do I cope with the longest distance - a break up - but still let him know I love him, I care, I'm sorry, when he won't even let me talk to him, he won't let me love him and when he's just disappeared.
The longest distance
Dear TLD,
My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through. I’m not sure I can help either, but I couldn’t just ignore you, so I will try.
You were miserable. You were struggling. Whether you were expecting too much or not (I don’t have a way to know) the fact remains that you needed help adjusting, and the person who put you in that position in the first place wasn’t there for you. You went from spending every moment together, to feeling utterly abandoned, and when you went to him for help with that he broke up with you.
Why on earth are you blaming yourself for his shitty behavior? Why is his inability to communicate effectively suddenly your fault? I think you need to cut yourself some slack here.
With that said, it’s over. You need to let this go.
I know, I know! You don’t want to hear that. It’s painful and distressing, the very thought of him becoming a figment of your past probably feels crippling, and I’m truly sorry, but that is what you need to do. You need to make your life about you now. Stop giving all your cares to him, he doesn’t want them and you need them more.
Closure is a beautiful thing, and I wish he were mature enough to provide that, but if he’s not you just need to extrapolate the answer from the information you have; you can’t keep chasing after him. What I would do I write down on paper everything you need to say to him. All your questions, your hopes, your apologies, your requests for apologies (because you deserve one too) all of it! Everything you would say to him, write in a letter.
Now, make a copy of that letter. By hand is most effective, but if it’s turned into a novella I’m sure you can get away with a photocopy. Give the original to a mutual friend or one of his family members you can trust and who will be seeing him when he returns.
Then get yourself the beverage of your choice. It could be a ridiculously fancy bottle of wine because you deserve to be spoiled, or a nice cup of tea to bring clarity, or even a giant green detox smoothie. Whatever your style, get a drink and take your copy of the letter to a place you can have a fire. Campground, kitchen sink… doesn’t matter. Burn that bastard and all the emotional baggage that goes with it. Burn it, knowing that this is the end. You’re purging him and his bullshit from your life right now! Going forward you’ll find a partner who supports you and helps you through difficult times instead of throwing you and the whole relationship in the “too hard” basket. In time you’ll realize that a life with a guy who can’t talk through relationship problems isn’t what you want to deal with. But until then, burn that shit.
Burn it, then raise your glass to the future. Blast some empowering breakup music (I like “I’m a survivor” but I’m old, people probably have new angry songs now!) punch the air, scream it out, and then don’t let yourself think about it anymore. Don’t brood. Don’t message him. Don’t read old love letters. Don’t ask his friends and family if they have heard anything and if they bring him up say “I don’t care, I’m moving on. His loss.” Because it is his loss! Distract yourself, discipline yourself, and rise from the ashes!
Take what you’ve learned and step on into the future. The New Year is coming. Get up and meet it.
P.S – Do let me know how you get along. I’d love to hear from you in six months or so.
In kindness,
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