Dear Miss U,
I started seeing a guy I met on a volunteering project over summer, initially it was just physical but I developed feelings and proposed LDR he said no but when it came time for me to leave he changed his mind. So we started our LDR. Everything was great, we texted every day, skyped once a week, talked on the phone a few times a week. I went to visit after 8 weeks apart, I was so nervous and I know not as comfortable or confident around him as I had been over summer but when things seemed grand. When I got back, things were just as they were, so much so I booked time to go back to him. 2 weeks later he ended it, saying he felt detached, like we were less like a couple, more like friends. I’m devastated 🙁 I’ll admit when we texted there was not so much flirting, not really any sexual tension, it was just talking about our day. Was this the problem? Did I drop the ball on this one, by not being flirty, by not keeping the sexual tension?
I really like him and hate the thought that I caused this by not being tuned in? I don’t know where to go from here, I’m really getting myself down and can’t seem to pick myself up and could really use some straightforward advice.
Thank you 🙂
Nicky
Dear Nicky,
There are two people in every relationship, if he wanted flirting and sexual tension, it’s his place to communicate that or start the ball rolling. Truthfully though, it is quite often that long distance relationships do get that “friends” or even “pen pals” feeling. It’s not easy, especially in the early months of a relationship, to get in the habit of being intimate through technology – nor is it so safe that you want to be sending risqué pictures to everyone you date for a couple of months anyway.
Foremost in my mind though, is why on earth would you want to be in a serious relationship with someone who wasn’t friend material? Someone who may have only been interested in what you could offer sexually? Try not to be so devastated, I think that one day you will look back and be relieved that he set you free.
In future relationships remember that yes, intimacy and sexuality play a large role. It is something that should be discussed, and a part of your relationship that will take a bit of effort.
Don’t beat yourself up over him.
Dear LFAD,
My long distance boyfriend, Nathan, is a total sweetheart, and not to mention, a total cutie. We’ve been dating on-and-off since June 28, 2011. We met on World of Warcraft, an MMO-RPG. Odd way to meet, right? We’ve never met before, but we always plan it. We Skype, exchange pictures of ourselves (not the dirty kinds, of course), video call, text, and I send frequent letters to him. I was about to buy your bracelets, but then we broke up. Up until December 19, he was being very sweet to me. Then he started being rude, so I broke up with him, but moped about it for days. He didn’t respond up until when I told him that my mother had actually bought me plane tickets, and all he said was “shut up.” Sweet, right? This isn’t the first time we’ve had arguments, fights, and break-ups. I’m always devastated after our break-ups, but he just moves on to having a new girlfriend. I live in Virginia and he lives in California, so the distance is sort of ridiculous. I can’t stand much more of these break-ups, though. I know he is the one for me. He’s usually a player, but he’s willing to settle down for me. I love no one else, and never move on. He moves on much too easily and it makes me feel like he isn’t as committed to me as he was back in 2011. What do you think I should do? What do you think will happen with Nathaniel and I? I’d love to hear back from you. Thank you so much. (I realize you might think that the age difference is the problem, but we have so much in common..)
Madalyn
Dear Madalyn,
I would be interested to know who instigates these break ups, but that aside what I can tell you (which is useful for all relationships) is that breaking up should be a last option. It’s not something you should ever use in an argument, or as a threat to get what you want. That’s not how loving, equal, mature relationships work. I personally have a three strikes rule as well – never get back together with someone a fourth time, because you’re probably flogging the dead horse. There is, after all, a reason the previous attempts didn’t work out.
In many relationships involving young guys in your boyfriend’s age bracket, the female partner (if there is one) is the more dedicated of the couple. Simply put, women are more social by nature and have a greater need for deep lasting emotional relationships. They also mature faster and generally settle down sooner. Put frankly – it feels like he is less committed than you because he is less committed than you. In itself, that’s not really a bit deal. If it takes one half of the couple a little longer, that’s perfectly normal and fine. It isn’t inherently a negative thing, in fact sometimes the guys have the right of it, and us ladies could relax it a bit!
In your case however, I urge you to look deeper at your relationship as see if it’s really worth trying to save, just one last time. Do you, realistically, have a future? Are you both comfortable being in a committed relationship with so little physical contact for all your years of adolescence (and early adulthood for him)? Is he serious enough about your relationship to give up those typical high school and college experiences with girls, or is his player nature going to get the better of him? Is he worth it? What makes him worth it? What do you get out of the relationship with him? Because it needs to be more than just love and one thing that appears to be glaringly absent is respect. You are good enough to have a partner who respects you. Never forget that.
I personally feel like you would be better cutting contact with him. In time, you will move on. It might be a couple of years, but at least they won’t be years wasted on a guy who doesn’t treat you right. But I’m also aware that this isn’t what you want to hear, and the likelihood of you heeding that advice is very slim. So instead, let’s go with: Both of you need to stop using breaking up to solve your issues, because it won’t. If he’s rude to you for example, get to the bottom of why. Perhaps he’s under a lot of stress, perhaps you are simply spending too much time together, or maybe he’s just an arsehat – whatever it is, find the reason. Fix the underlying problem, and the symptoms of that problem will go away.
