Better Off Friends... Or Strangers? - Long Distance Relationships

Dear Miss U,

I am in a LDR and I have spoken to him about communication, and I have some uneasy feelings sometimes. For instance, I have been asking him how his day is going and to stay safe because of all this coronavirus going on. He has to still work which concerns me for his well being. But he is at work with not much work and when I check on him he will respond with a "Oh I'm just looking on my phone," but he never calls me or texts me first. Sometimes I get a response like 2 hours later which I can understand he is at work, but the problem is when he gets off, I know he is not going to the gym anymore because they are closed temporarily. He won't respond for hours and I would text again and ask, "Hey is everything ok, are you safe?" After 2 more hours, he would text me and say, "Oh hey I am safe, I made it home I was watching movie with the family." Not the first time he has done something like this. I had spoken to him about it and he understood what I was saying, so I finally said, "I don't like to feel like I'm lost, I think we may be better off as friends," and all he said was, "Ok no problem." This is not the first time he's made me feel like I didn't matter. I’m confused, need help understanding.

Shy girl

Hi Shy Girl,

If someone’s response to breaking up is “OK no problem” then you don’t want to be with that person. He doesn’t care. Not about you, not about your worries, not about this relationship. Consider him a friend (if you don’t cut him from your life entirely) and cry as much as you need to because this romance is over. He can’t give you what you need and he doesn’t care how you feel about it. It’s that simple. I’m sorry you wasted your time on him. That he could have communicated with you and repeatedly chose not to shows that he’s not as interested in you as you are in him. This one is dead.

With that said, I do personally feel that in between this relationship and the next one you might benefit from some talk therapy. It’s not normal to worry about your partner constantly or need for them to check in multiple times a day, even during a pandemic. If he was in hospital or something, perhaps, but a regular healthy guy doesn’t need to feel like he’s dating his mum. I do believe that if the communication had been more open between the two of you, your worries would have been less, but it’s not cool to expect a partner to check in or account for all their time. There’s a balance there; in a healthy relationship he would have tried to find that balance with you, but he doesn’t care.

Don’t date people who make you feel worthless. You’re loving and kind and devoted, save that for someone who respects and honors you.

Dear Miss U, I started dating my boyfriend who lives in the UK four months ago, I live in Florida. We were inseparable in the first three months, face-timed for hours, and he would stay up way past the AM for me (as it is a 5 hour time difference). We love each other so so much. But, lately, he hasn’t been himself, I guess. He doesn’t call me pet names as much, doesn’t face-time me as much, maybe once a week for 20 minutes if I’m lucky. He has just recently told me he feels over the top stressed. He tries to balance time between me, his friends, and family, and never has time for himself. He’s come to me crying so much saying he just wants to be able to do the things a normal teenager does… [read more: How to create more hours in a day]
Dear Miss U, …But the thing I am having trouble with is the fact that I feel resentful for the fact that he loves it there and he’s super integrated and he enjoys life and has all these friends and he’s changing and he’s going to Hawaii and Disney with his friends and he’s living it up and becoming fully engrained into his new life, while I’m here miserable and incomplete and I have bad anxiety and I can’t enjoy myself when I go out with friends and do things. I thought he was going to move and keep up our relationship. I wasn’t expecting him to start a new life and be thriving there; is that not a fair way to think about things? It killed the relationship for me… [read more: What to Do When You Feel Abandoned]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.