Dear Miss U,
We have been in a LDR for 4 years now, he comes from Germany and I come from Chile. A year ago I managed to finally get together for a long term (3 years), since I came to study my bachelor in Germany. However, 4 months after my arrival, my boyfriend left to Colombia for 1 year to do voluntary social service. He got a scholarship for it and felt bad for leaving me alone in a country completely new for me, but he left anyway but I’m happy he had that opportunity.
During the time apart I felt my feelings for him vanished slowly. He came back to Germany 2 weeks ago, and now that he is back I feel no excitement anymore to see him here and live together. Instead, I feel annoyed most of the time to see his things laying all around, very distant, we don’t kiss and if we hug, it feels a bit forced, he also feels a bit distant to me but not as much. We talked about it and we both know we should reconnect to each other, but honestly, I somehow don’t even feel like working on this. I don’t know what to do, we fought for this so much and finally that we have it, somehow I feel confused and empty about my feelings for him. Is this just a phase due to living alone for a year and now getting used to be together again? Is it the frustration of feeling that he could leave again and be in a LDR again? How can I get the spark of being in love back?
Thank you very much.
Confused girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What an uncomfortable position to be in! I must say I admire your selflessness, I cannot see myself putting up with my partner moving away if I had moved internationally to be with them. It feels like a bit of a slap in the face to me. I would recommend talking through any lingering resentment or fear that this might happen again. Sometimes things that are acceptable in the early years of a relationship become less so over time, if you need a commitment to remain together from this point (as best you can considering the need for visas) then ask for it. Don’t think you don’t deserve it or that you are asking too much. Meet each other’s needs.
I believe that spark in a relationship is largely dependent on fun. You have to spend time doing enjoyable things together to remember why you like each other. It’s also easier to feel loved and happy in a relationship when other things in your life are going well. The more stress each of you have, the more you will fight to get those feelings back.
Don’t force it. If you can’t do the hugging thing yet, go with holding hands instead. A foot or back rub might also help you both to have some physical contact without crossing the line into awkwardness, and that would be positive. Touch releases hormones associated with bonding, so if you can find a way to have that contact without it feeling like a lie, that would be good for the relationship.
You have been together a while and been through a lot. I must warn you that it’s never going to feel the way it did when you first started dating. It will be different. That doesn’t mean it won’t be exciting or passionate ever again, but I’m telling you this so you don’t go assuming you’re not in love anymore based on it not being how it once was. Love matures.
Lastly, give yourself and the relationship time. Everyone has rough patches. Love is fluid, it ebbs and flows. Low tides can stay for what feels like forever, but eventually they do shift. Try to take the pressure off yourselves. Just have fun and everything else will fall into place.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating in person for 9 months and long distance for 5 months. One of the things that’s becoming difficult for me is that he naturally doesn’t talk that much. He has never been much of a talker, but in person that’s okay because we can just hang out or cuddle and it’s all okay.
Long distance is so much different though because all we have is talking. I feel like I pretty much carry the whole conversation each time we talk and if we ever aren’t talking because I’ve run out of things to ask him, he asks me why I’m not saying anything. I just think “well I’ve asked you everything I can think of and you’ve given me one word answers, what am I supposed to do?” I’ve told him this a couple of times but not much has changed. I just really need help sometimes but I asked him how much effort he feels like he puts into the conversation and he said a whole bunch. What am I supposed to do? I love him more than anything and I know he feels the same way, but I just don’t think I can keep on bearing all the responsibility of keeping conversation going.
What do I do to keep bonding and feeling use to my boyfriend if he just naturally doesn’t talk much? Should I make him talk or ask me questions? I just don’t know.
Thank you!
Troubled Questioner
Dear Troubled Questioner,
When all you have is talking, you kind of need to be good at it. Unfortunately, some people just aren’t. You can help him learn to be better at it by encouraging him to ask questions, letting him know that it would help you feel more valued and reaffirm to you that he cares about what goes on in your life, and you can encourage him to flesh out his answers by making sure your questions are open ended and asking him to elaborate. Use positive reinforcement when he does contribute more to the conversation so that he knows he is on the right track. You can’t make him ask you questions – indeed it’s never our places to make our partners do anything – but if he feels good when he does he will repeat that action to continue that feeling. It’s just how we are made.
Beyond that, I would try to do things together at least some of the time to take the pressure off having to uphold a lengthy conversation. Ask him to read to you. I can’t recommend that enough.
Or you could take turns, he can read you his favorite book, and then you can read him yours. Sharing things you care about nurtures your bond too – it reveals pieces of your soul that you might not be able to put into words.
Michelle has put up a couple’s eWorkbook on this website too, perhaps he’d be willing to give some of those exercises a go. Something a little different, even if it seems a bit lame at first, can be the thing that breaks the mundane and lets you take the relationship deeper.
Explore other avenues too. He doesn’t talk, but maybe he would write. Sometimes it is easier to communicate without the pressure of real time. Maybe he’s interested in something he would like to share with you. Music, art, cooking?
Can you undertake a challenge of some kind together and bond that way? Is there a cause you are both passionate about that you could share? Think: 40 hour famine, Walk In Her Shoes, Live below the line, etc. All worthy things you can share together that might encourage dialog along the way.
Be creative but be kind to yourself too. Sometimes you will get fed up and that’s ok. Maybe on those days you can just watch a show together instead.
