Dear Miss U,
I just broke up with my ex recently, after we had lots and lots of problems. We accused each other of not having actually loved the other; both of us were really hurt. We still talk every day, though, having convos that range from pretty good to angst fests where we would just fling accusations at each other.
I don’t want this, and I just really want to move on. However, anytime I say anything he doesn’t like, he immediately brings up my pics. I’ve blocked him on Facebook, and threatened to block him on Skype, but then he swears he’d spread those pics everywhere he can as revenge for all the pain I’ve caused him. Those pics are pretty damn pornographic. If my friends and teachers see them, my life will officially be over.
Please, miss u, I don’t know what to do next. Can you please help me? Much love xoxo
– Babe Being Blackmailed
Dear BBB,
It’s easy to become frightened when someone threatens you, but in all honesty, how likely is it that he will be able to distribute these pictures to people that know you? How far away does he live and does he know where you live? If he is able to drive to your home town, that’s a greater risk than if you only dated him online. Really think about it. How easy would it be for him to contact people in your world? How is he going to get access to your teachers? How well does he know your friends and family? Realistically, if you were to do the same thing to him, would it be possible? He might be using your fear when the risk is quite slim. Also, you were an adult when these photos were taken (judging by the length of time you were together) so you have not done anything illegal. It might be embarrassing, but in today’s day and age it’s actually really common. A quick Google search will show you that you are definitely not alone.
Sadly, because of the commonality of this situation, there are now websites dedicated to uploading shameful pictures of ex-partners so that other people can use them for pornographic purposes. I’m not telling you this to further alarm you, I just feel you deserve to know.
If there is a real risk, I would advise you to warn those friends who you can trust. Any friend who would disown you for this is not a friend worth having anyway, and if they are actually your friends they are not going to further distribute the pictures. Your teachers also are not likely to redistribute the pictures, though how they will react I can not guess.
As for your ex, you need to cut contact with him. The damage has been done. If he is going to send your nudes out, he will do it. Staying in contact with him so he can mess with your emotional and mental stability isn’t going to help anything. What might help you is seeking legal advice, and if you have some kind of recourse available to you, threaten him with it. You may just make him more afraid for you than you are of him.
Babe, we all make mistakes. Even really big stupid mistakes that could haunt us well into our futures. It doesn’t mean your life is over. There is a lot you can do to alter your appearance if you fear the general public connecting you with these pictures, you can move away for a while if you can’t handle facing your friends or teachers, and given time no matter how bad it gets it will become old news and fade from memory. Focus now on minimizing what damage you can, and moving on. Don’t give this jerk any more power over you. What’s done is done, learn from it and forgive yourself.
Hopefully you sharing your story will provide a warning for others in LDRs as well. All too often young girls (and to some extent, guys) believe they can trust their partners unconditionally when realistically they have not known each other for that long, and they may never have met. In the case of raunchy photos and videos it is always best to err on the side of caution. Some things that can help protect you are:
- Knowing it’s illegal, and considered child pornography, to give out naked photos of yourself if you are under age.
- Never including your face or other distinguishing features in risqué photos, including tattoos, birthmarks or unique scars.
- Trading photos equally so that you have something to blackmail back with, should the case arise.
Hey, I met this guy a few months ago, we hit it off straight away and we love each other. I live in the United Kingdom, my boyfriend lives in Chicago. We are planning on meeting soon. I just really want to know if we will work, we both want the same in the future. I think about him every day, we FaceTime as much as we can and talk for hours on end and the conversation just keeps on going. We talk about our future plans and it makes me flutter inside, but will it work out in the end I need your help!
– Other side of the world.
Dear Other Side,
I’m not a psychic, I can not tell you if your relationship will make it or not. I do not know you, and have no way to judge if both of you have what it takes. Even if you were in the same town, I could not predict the eventual outcome of your relationship. Every person, and thus every relationship, is different. What I can tell you is that it’s possible. Others have trodden this path before and succeeded. There’s no reason to believe that you can’t triumph over the odds as well.
Dear Miss U,
I fell for Michael on a chat site and we hit things off immediately. We continued to talk on the site, on skype, facebook and basically any form of communication, except phone, (imagine the cost!)things went great for about 9 months, then we started to lose touch and not talk as much, then we ended up splitting, then back together for another few months and then split again, at the moment we are on a split period, I recently got a job with Qantas and I met this guy, Gil. he’s been there for me since the start of this year, I talk to him every day and I let it slip that I liked him, Gil told me he liked me to, he broke up with his girlfriend in March and Gil recently asked me out, I told him about Michael and he said he understood, I said I’d need time to think about it and right now I’m just so confused..
Do I date Gil or do I stay with Michael and keep dating then breaking up again?
– Mike vs Gil.
Dear M vs G,
Mike had his chance and then a few extras. Give Gil a shot to show his stuff. If nothing comes of the relationship with Gil at the very least it will teach Mike that if he wants you he needs to stick around and work on the relationship because you’re hot, available and not wasting your life pining after him.
Sincerely,
Miss U
