Break-ups: You’re Doing It Wrong

Dear Ella,

I’m not in the business of telling people how to break up properly, I’m here to help people get their relationships through against all odds. (And also occasionally to tell people that the person they are dating is acting like a human trash-bag. But I don’t tell them HOW to break up, just to get it done.)

Personally, I’m really shit at breaking up. Two examples:

1. One guy, I broke up with him the day after Christmas, but I had no money so lived with him another five months. He watched me while I slept, pretended he had cancer in the hopes I’d take him back, and threatened daily to harm my friends and family.
2. Different guy, we broke it off because he didn’t want to move to Australia and I had no money to go to Canada and anyway I was still seeing Guy One. Told him he wasn’t my special person and never would be, and then I made him cry. We’ve been married seven years now.

My other break-ups were just as pathetic. So, yeah, I don’t know much about breaking up traditional or the right way. But what I do know is this:

Long distance isn’t a good reason to break up with someone you love. If you find someone who respects you, cares about your goals as much as they do their own, and communicates honestly and openly, you don’t break up with that human, you prioritize them.

21 and 19 is not “too young." I’m not sure there is such a thing as too young for love, I think that’s just something that grumpy parents say. Yes, you’re bound to make mistakes because neither of you has a load of experience with adult relationships, but that doesn’t stop you learning. I was 17 when I met my husband, Mr. E, online.

You will both always have “so much growing to do.” There isn’t a magical age where you become a “real” adult and stop developing. You will continue to learn and change and grow your whole lives, and figuring out how to grow towards each other rather than apart is an important skill to develop if you’re ever planning on getting married.

As you can see, I don’t think it’s that you’re doing breaking up wrong, I think the wrongness you feel is because you shouldn’t be breaking up at all. But hey, you can keep pretending you’re just mates, keep talking every day, supporting each other and fantasizing about your times together when you masturbate, and then in six months when it’s time for him to return to your country, you can talk about him moving to your town and put this period of confusion and loneliness behind you. That’s as good as dating because the heart knows what it wants and, if you both love each other, no amount of breaking up is going to change that.

Hi Eloise,

I’ve often had the need to wonder what the difference is between a romantic partner and a best friend is, and honestly, there’s not a whole lot of difference. I would love to see a world where cuddling with friends is normalized, so even snuggling at the movies, casual touching and the odd flirt aren’t “significant other only” things in my mind. I get a whole lot of letters from people who say their SO feels like a friend now. And I’m like “Good! That’s what they’re supposed to feel like!” They are supposed to be your primary companion. The person you share your life with; verbally and in your imagining of the future, as well as sharing living space, mental and emotional energy, and perhaps your body too. I would go as far to say that if you’re not the best of friends, you’re doing it wrong.

It's likely different for everyone, so have a think: what sets your boyfriend apart from your other mates? Or what SHOULD set him apart, but is lacking?

For me, the thing that sets Mr. E apart is I have never felt the need to hold back my feelings or thoughts. I filter myself for other people. There are topics I avoid because they will damage the relationship or they are too private or I don’t want that other person to see my shadow side. Mr. E gets all of it, and always has. He is my safe harbor.

Secondly, I can actually live with him. I hate living with people, but he’s okay. Even with us both working from home I don’t get sick of him the way I do with everyone else (yes, even my children and cats.) He’s the first person I choose to hang out with, the first person I turn to when I’m sad. If the boat is sinking, he’s the first person I give a life vest because a world without him isn’t a world I want to live in.

At this point in time, he’s also the only person I’m having sex with, and I know if I do sleep with someone else, I’m going to come home to him and have even hotter sex with him afterward. Because he is home, he is safe harbor. He’s my best friend.

But romance? My idea of romance is someone else packing the kids’ lunches. Someone getting me a glass of water in bed because I don’t want to get up again. I need the long cuddles and him to remember the important thing I said I was doing and ask about it after, but most things society sees as romantic are courtship rituals to me, and we’re past that.

I do believe that you get to a point in your relationship where it isn’t new anymore and the obsessive need to live and breathe that person every moment fades, and for some people they do think they aren’t in love anymore, but honestly, a lot of us just aren’t given a lot of examples of how long-term love looks and functions. We don’t know what “happily ever after” IS on a day-to-day scale.

You said that time together is really important, but to me FaceTime IS time together. The most important parts of us are our minds, our souls, our emotions... our personalities. And when we give each other the wholeness of our attention and the fullness of our hearts, what could possibly be more “together” than that? Sitting together on the couch while our minds are a million miles away, immersed in someone else’s story? I don’t think so. I feel like consciousness isn’t given enough credit.

Lack of physical touch is a serious struggle, but touching yourselves while your minds are together can scratch that itch. If you’re not already, begin there. It can be sensual or sexual, whatever you’re comfortable with. But do it. I guarantee that’s something you aren’t doing with your other friends, and that will help you remember he’s more than just a single buddy.

Beyond that, what do you want? It’s okay if it feels silly. Admit to yourself what you need to make this feel more like a romance. Do you want cutesy postcards with bad poetry on the back? Do you want him to send you a puzzle piece a day for a year? Do you want surprise flowers at work or a surprise pizza after a bad day? Do you want to bury your face in his shirt a squeal with the joy of being with him? What is it that you fantasize about when you think of romance? Figure out what romance is to you and then TELL HIM. He’s not going to guess and he shouldn’t have to. So tell him what he needs to do, and ask him what would make it more magic for him too.

Lastly, if you honestly don’t think you can make two more years, it’s okay to make the relationship a priority and figure out school or work or whatever else is stopping you from closing the distance sooner. I know that’s the opposite of pretty much everyone’s advice, but relationships are important. If you find a person you truly click with, it’s alright to put saving that relationship in front of saving money or saving your grades.

Like I said to Ella above, I don’t think distance is a good reason to break up with someone. Distance is temporary. It’s something that can be fixed. The distance is NOT your partner. If you can’t do the distance anymore, get rid of the distance, not the person.

Wishing you all the best,