Breaking Up Is Stupid

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Dear Miss U,

My girlfriend keeps on telling me how much she misses me. I, of course, feel the same and reciprocate these messages. But lately, my girlfriend has been saying that how much she misses me and the fact that we can not see each other every day is really getting to her and that she doesn’t want to break up but thinks we should. What do I do? Please help!!

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I see this so much, and I don’t get it. I’ve been a member of the LDR community for over a decade, and I still, for the life of me, don’t understand why people break up just because they miss each other. Breaking up won’t stop you from missing each other. It’s not a magical off-switch for your feelings. You won’t suddenly fall out of love. All of the bad parts of a long distance relationship will still be there, you’re just not together anymore. You give up the reason for fighting, you give up the perks and the comfort. But you will still miss each other. The distance still hurts after you break up. Breaking up doesn’t fix anything. All it does is open the door to regret.

Breaking up over the distance is literally saying, “I don’t see you enough, so I’m never seeing you ever again.” It doesn’t make sense.

Send her this letter. Both of you can print it out and stick it on your fridges and you can read it in your moments of weakness. There is only one escape from the pain of missing each other – survival. You continue forward, you work hard, and you make it out the other side, into near-proximity land, together.

Keep going. Even my four-year-old understands that sometimes there will be pain, but it’s better to face it bravely and get a reward at the end than to have a tantrum and still have to have the pain regardless. Choose the reward. Choose each other. Choose logic.


Dear Miss U,

I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years. During those 3 years we only broke up once and were separated for 6 months. We got back together. We fell so hard in love and we were best friends; we shared so much!!! It was like we were soulmates.

Last year around October, he told me he didn't feel the same way anymore. I never asked why. I was broken and told him I needed time I told him to give me a month. After 3 weeks he contacted me and told me he missed me. I fell for it and broke the 30 day no contact. We talked again all normal and decided to heal each other by having bible studies together but he started detaching himself again.

On December 25th he told me he was seeing someone else and that it was getting serious (he told me this through FaceTime). I told him, “Have a good life” and I hung up on him. Hours later I sent him a “goodbye” text and he never replied to it. It seems he’s dating this girl already, and he has it all over his social media, I miss him!

It’s been a month without talking to each other. I want to talk to him and go back to how we were. I still haven’t accepted he’s moved on! I feel he’s not going to reach out this time. Today I saw he unfollowed me from Instagram after literally watching my stories non-stop but he still follows my Instagram and he still wears clothes I bought him! I don't know what to do.

Galilea

Hi Galilea,

The first step is to make a list of all the shitty annoying things he does or has done, and all the reason you’d be incompatible. Don’t say “we’re like soul mates and I can’t” because I could make a list like this for my sister or husband or even my kid and I’m utterly devoted to these people. Everyone has things that get under your nerves or are a giant inconvenience, and right now those things are gold for you.

For example, at the beginning of last year, my best friend broke up with me. I was crushed. I spoke to this woman for hours every day, worked with her on projects, built relationships with her kids, knew her darkest secrets. And then one day we had a fight, and she decided she didn’t want my friendship anymore. I grieved hard, and I turned to God and begged for her to be brought back into my life. But the answer I got was basically “she’s toxic, I’m doing you a favor.” So, I did what I’m telling you to do. I made a list of all the areas we butted heads, all the times I hung up the phone and felt drained or devalued. All the times she dismissed my struggles or made excuses for shitty behavior instead of working on herself.

I still miss her. I still cry some nights. If she called me I’d still be there for her. But I’m at peace because I know this is actually what’s best for me as a person. You? I already know you can find a way better partner, one who comes to you and says “I’m being tempted by another girl, we need to talk,” or “Help me save our relationship from this problem.” A guy who doesn’t break up Christmas day after cheating on you for who-knows-how-long.

Secondly, while you’re working on your list, delete and block him from all your platforms because you’re just going to torture yourself keeping him there. You’re going to read meaning in things that have none (like him still wearing the clothes) and it’s just not worth the heartache. Close the door for your own sanity.

It's hard and it’s painful and you can take as long as you need to come to terms with it, but this relationship is over. He’s gone. Pursuing him would be unconscionable and pointless. Right now, you need to focus on self-care. That’s all you can do. You can’t make him be a decent human. You can’t make him love you or come crawling back. You can’t even make him realize how good the relationship was. All you can do is live your best life, and then in five years when he gets curious and Googles your name he can eat his liver in regret.

Take your time.

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  • Dear Miss U, … I’m ashamed to say that my boyfriend and I were having problems in our relationship. One night I “broke up” with him. It was more of a break, and only lasted 10 days. My boyfriend wanted to move back with me but had to downgrade his car. This meant he couldn’t live with me, so that’s how we became long distance. At first, it was okay, because he would still come to visit on the weekends. But, my dad never actually liked my boyfriend. So one day while my boyfriend was sleeping over, my dad yelled at him to leave and shoved my mom, who was trying to defend us, into a door. These past few months have been hell. We rarely get to see each other anymore. I’ve been trying to get out of this situation, living with friends, other family, applying for jobs. But nothing works. I don’t see things getting better soon. What am I supposed to do? Every day feels wrong without him. I can’t just cope with this forever. [read more: Don’t Ever Give Up]
About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.

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