Breaking Up Is Stupid

Dear Concerned,

I see this so much, and I don’t get it. I’ve been a member of the LDR community for over a decade, and I still, for the life of me, don’t understand why people break up just because they miss each other. Breaking up won’t stop you from missing each other. It’s not a magical off-switch for your feelings. You won’t suddenly fall out of love. All of the bad parts of a long distance relationship will still be there, you’re just not together anymore. You give up the reason for fighting, you give up the perks and the comfort. But you will still miss each other. The distance still hurts after you break up. Breaking up doesn’t fix anything. All it does is open the door to regret.

Breaking up over the distance is literally saying, “I don’t see you enough, so I’m never seeing you ever again.” It doesn’t make sense.

Send her this letter. Both of you can print it out and stick it on your fridges and you can read it in your moments of weakness. There is only one escape from the pain of missing each other – survival. You continue forward, you work hard, and you make it out the other side, into near-proximity land, together.

Keep going. Even my four-year-old understands that sometimes there will be pain, but it’s better to face it bravely and get a reward at the end than to have a tantrum and still have to have the pain regardless. Choose the reward. Choose each other. Choose logic.

Hi Galilea,

The first step is to make a list of all the shitty annoying things he does or has done, and all the reason you’d be incompatible. Don’t say “we’re like soul mates and I can’t” because I could make a list like this for my sister or husband or even my kid and I’m utterly devoted to these people. Everyone has things that get under your nerves or are a giant inconvenience, and right now those things are gold for you.

For example, at the beginning of last year, my best friend broke up with me. I was crushed. I spoke to this woman for hours every day, worked with her on projects, built relationships with her kids, knew her darkest secrets. And then one day we had a fight, and she decided she didn’t want my friendship anymore. I grieved hard, and I turned to God and begged for her to be brought back into my life. But the answer I got was basically “she’s toxic, I’m doing you a favor.” So, I did what I’m telling you to do. I made a list of all the areas we butted heads, all the times I hung up the phone and felt drained or devalued. All the times she dismissed my struggles or made excuses for shitty behavior instead of working on herself.

I still miss her. I still cry some nights. If she called me I’d still be there for her. But I’m at peace because I know this is actually what’s best for me as a person. You? I already know you can find a way better partner, one who comes to you and says “I’m being tempted by another girl, we need to talk,” or “Help me save our relationship from this problem.” A guy who doesn’t break up Christmas day after cheating on you for who-knows-how-long.

Secondly, while you’re working on your list, delete and block him from all your platforms because you’re just going to torture yourself keeping him there. You’re going to read meaning in things that have none (like him still wearing the clothes) and it’s just not worth the heartache. Close the door for your own sanity.

It's hard and it’s painful and you can take as long as you need to come to terms with it, but this relationship is over. He’s gone. Pursuing him would be unconscionable and pointless. Right now, you need to focus on self-care. That’s all you can do. You can’t make him be a decent human. You can’t make him love you or come crawling back. You can’t even make him realize how good the relationship was. All you can do is live your best life, and then in five years when he gets curious and Googles your name he can eat his liver in regret.

Take your time.