Can my relationship be salvaged?

Dear Miss U,

I feel lonely in our relationship and I don't know whether it’s just because we're not physically together or that our relationship is going to crap. Jeffery isn't a normal boyfriend, I guess. He doesn't text or call me on a regular basis. I often find myself always calling him and/or texting him especially when I know he’s going through something. I feel like he doesn't put as much effort into our relationship as I am. I am not in a good situation at home and he is like my get away, so I enjoy talking to him every day. Him, not so much. I feel like something is wrong with me because why wouldn't he want to talk to me? He often tells me that "his world DOES NOT revolve around me" and I really don't know what that means. It hurts me so much when he tells me that, but at the same time, I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to be selfish in our relationship and I try so hard to not get upset when he chooses to play video games other than talk to me because I understand that's what he loves to do. I wouldn't want to try to take away something that he loves, but I feel like I should be his number 1 like he is mine. I always think about how he might feel about something, which affects that I do or say towards him but it seems like he doesn't do the same for me. I love him so much and we've been through a lot in these past two years, I just need to know if our relationship is toxic or if I am toxic for this relationship?

Sierra

Dear Sierra,

I was so filled with sadness for you, and so enraged by this Jeffery guy, that I struggled to even finish reading your letter before I began to reply.

Oh my ancient gods, it’s not you! It’s not you and there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not clingy and you are certainly not toxic! I grieve for the years you have waited on this little boy who clearly doesn’t deserve your adoration.

When you find your special person there should be no doubt in your mind that you are that person’s number one. They love you more than they love themselves, and they trust that you love them more than you love yourself. In “true love” (or whatever term you want to give it) there needs to be a level of selflessness. And he doesn’t have that. Not even close.

The only time you shouldn’t be your partner’s number one, is when there are children involved. You will always come second to a person’s children. Always! But if you’re coming second to video games? Uh, no. You’re way better than any of that make believe bullshit!

Don’t get me wrong, I love gaming. I love books. Mr. E also loves his video games and he gets a bit sulky when he has no time to play (we’re talking a 31-year-old man with three kids here!) but we wouldn’t be together if I thought for a moment he valued the pixels on a screen more than my time.

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never been jealous of the time Mr. E spends with his computer. I’m not going to pretend like we’ve never fought about it. But what Jeffery said to you? That’s too much. You deserve better. Way better. To the point where I don’t think you have anything to work with to fix the problem.

Because he doesn’t see a problem. And you’ve told him how you feel, and he lets you think the problem is you, when it isn’t. He’s happy just as things are, but this… this isn’t how adult relationships work, and you’re both going to be adults within the year.

I know it hurts to say goodbye and throw away all the time you’ve invested in him, but in the long term, it will hurt a whole lot more to have an unfulfilling relationship with some guy who doesn’t value you enough to put a real effort in. This isn’t what love looks like. Set yourself free and open up that position for someone who will make you their number one.

Dear Miss U,

I have been with my boyfriend since May 2017, we lived in Colombia but he moved to Berlin 7 months ago. I went to Germany in May and I stayed there until July 17th. We won't meet until July of next year. I feel very sad, because I love him. We have a video chat EVERY SINGLE DAY. The first 4 months of this year that was enough for me, but now I feel that the video calls and the calls are not enough for me. I want to keep this relationship because he is the best of my life, he is an amazing man, I would like to share the simplest things, have a breakfast, go to the cinema. But we can't. What should I do? I don't want tell him: "Hey I don't feel happy just with the calls". Now just with the calls, I am feeling him so so so far away from me. I know that he loves me, but now the calls are not enough now for me.

Thanks!

Camila

Hello Camila,

Do you do things together during your calls? Because that should be the first step. If you both work to make the calls interesting and your long distance relationship fulfilling it will help you survive the year. You can have breakfast together. You can’t go to the cinema, but you can watch the same movie together while in a call. You can read to each other, ask each other questions from a questions for couples book, play games online together, and a whole host of other things. There is so much more to long distance than just video chatting.

You do need to tell him the calls aren’t enough so that together you can find a way to make this LDR fun for both of you. Ignoring a problem in the relationship, just because you don’t want to have an awkward conversation, is how a lot of relationships meet their end. You have to communicate your needs!

In kindness,

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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.