Dear Miss U,
I was at a very low point in my life and I wanted to feel good about myself again. I joined this chat room where I would talk to boys all over the world. They’d ask for pictures, send pictures then I’d never speak to them again and that’s how I wanted it. I really did feel better about myself, I felt in control, I felt beautiful but I knew it was wrong. I was disrespecting myself so I stopped. I went to delete & block all of the boys, except one. Bradley. Something about him caught my attention. He cared about the inside of me more than the out. He asked me to be his girl it had been about 3 weeks & we facetimed for the 1st time, I fell in love, instantly. He had already had strong feelings for me, I knew he loved me & he reminded me 100 times a day. It was crazy but as soon as I saw his face I just knew. I never been in love and I was shocked I knew what it felt like but I did. It was more than butterflies, it was love. But ever since that day, I knew I loved him our relationship got better… and bitter. We started arguing a lot more. Like every single night over NOTHING. We break up for like 15 minutes and get back together. I really don’t mind the fighting I feel like its normal in any relationship but now it’s just repetitive. idk if that’s bad we fight so much or is it a sign. We haven’t even met yet but were fighting this much, will it only get worse?
– Oh, Canada!
Dear Canada,
I hate to break it to you, but no, fighting that much is neither “normal” nor healthy. Some fighting can be good in a relationship as it can lead to progress. But if your arguments are petty, pointless and nothing is coming out of them, then it is a problem you need to address.
Firstly, stop with the breaking up and getting back together. The two of you need to take the relationship seriously if it’s going to ever go anywhere. So decide if you’re in or out and stick with it. If you want each other in your lives, commit to that and agree to work through your issues rather than breaking up. Breaking up is not the new way to slam a phone. Start recognizing it as “the end”. If you break up, it’s over. That’s it. Understand that it should be a last resort. You should break up if you no longer want him in your life as a romantic partner (or at all) not because you’re trying to make a point. If whatever issue you’re fighting about is not a deal breaker – if it does not make or break your relationship – then don’t even think the B word.
Secondly, get to the root of why you argue. Are you the type of people to just pick at each other out of boredom? Are you spending too much time together and getting restless? Or are you genuinely incompatible despite your love? Figure out what is setting these arguments off and then calmly work out a way to put a stop to it together.
I can see that you are very passionate, maybe even impulsive, people and I know that people with a fiery temperament are more prone to spats than other characters are. This could be an issue of self-control on both your parts. Each of you need to think about what you’re about to say before you say it, and if it just comes out, or comes out the wrong way, recognize that quickly and ask for the chance to re-phrase. If both of you make a conscious effort to act with respect and remain calm there is no reason that this problem couldn’t get better rather than worse.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three and a half years, two being long distance. We met in college and have been inseparable ever since. We’ve talked about the future and can’t wait till the day we’re together. There’s only one problem, his family has a very successful business in his small town. He has an important role in the business, and I would never expect him to leave. I have no problem moving to his small town, but I’m fresh into a new job that took me a year to land. I’m in a very particular industry, and his region doesn’t provide me with an opportunity for a career in my emphasis. I have debt, so I can’t move to his town without a career to back me up. Religion also plays an important factor in our relationship, so we’re looking forward to saving living together till after we tie the knot. My beau and I would love to advance in our relationship, but he has mentioned proposing would make him feel like he is holding me back from advancing in my career since we agreed that I’d be the one moving to his sleepy town. We know we don’t have to change our lives right now to move forward, but we’re feeling stuck and are really missing each other. I don’t want to feel like I have to go through another 3 years apart, but right now I wouldn’t move unless he proposed. I also don’t want to feel stuck in his sleepy town, but I find myself wishing I was there with him. Someone has to make the move! (no pun intended) How do I balance the career vs. relationship battle?
~ Stuck in a Sleepy Town
Dear Sleepy,
It’s not an easy thing, taking two lives, two very distinct personalities, two sets of hopes and dreams and smooshing them all together to create a happy marriage. So many things need to either line up or be sacrificed from one side or the other and that’s without even touching upon the things we need to prioritize in our own personal timelines.
The biggest problem I see here is that you’ve said “his region doesn’t provide me with an opportunity for a career in my emphasis.” This isn’t a short term problem. Are you willing to give up your dream career, pay back a debt on study that you’ll never get to use and spend the rest of your life (or at the least the foreseeable future) working a career that wasn’t your first (or possibly even your second) choice?
Because that’s a lot to ask. And if someone wanted that from me, they’d have to be giving me a lot more than a ring to get it. What would his compromise be if you moved there? Don’t say “marriage” because that’s not a compromise. Marriage benefits you both more or less equally and you should want to enter into it equally. So during a dark night when you’re feeling a little resentful of him because he has not only this fantastic relationship but also a successful career, what is it you’re going to hold onto to make yourself feel better? What can he or his small town offer you to replace the void in your life that comes from giving up your career? And not that you are asking him to, but would he be willing to make the same sacrifice for you? What would he choose, if it were him doing the deciding? Sometimes just knowing your partner would value you as highly can help with this kind of transition. I’ve long been of the belief that if your partner wouldn’t do it for you (whatever “it” may be) then they don’t deserve to have you giving it all for them.
He has mentioned proposing would hold you back from your career – but does it actually? If once you move there you can’t work your career anyway, is waiting to propose saving you any heartache, or just delaying the inevitable? If you’re definitely going to be the one moving and there is no chance of working your career afterwards, then why hang onto this job now? Isn’t that just wasting time that you could be using to start over on finding a new calling in life? I recognise that you have loans to pay back, but you could move to Sleepy town and work there thus earning money to pay these loans back whilst being able to progress your life with him? Would he be willing to help you pay off your loans so you could re-enter study sooner if you chose to?
Other options I can think of would be if there’s a job opportunity for you almost be not quite nearby. How far away from the nearest city is Sleepy Town? If it’s two hours for example, it might be feasible for you to move an hour out of his home town, and you can both commute to your respective workplaces. Because whilst commuting isn’t ideal, and isn’t particularly great on your wallet or the environment, it’s a whole lot better than you having to choose him over your career or him having to deal with the guilt that would entail.
Alternatively, if you had experience in your field, could you then start your own business in Sleepy Town? Would there be a big enough demand for your work for that to be an option? Because if this was the case, staying where you are right now would be the best long-term option for your relationship.
At the end of it all, if there truly is nothing that could be compromised on, no way for you to have both, then it comes down to priorities. Imagine your life, five, ten, twenty years from now. Imagine what your life would be like with him if you never worked your career. Are you happy and fulfilled? Could you be happy with another line of work? Imagine your life if you prioritize your career and choose not to sacrifice that hard work for a man. Could you eventually be happy with another partner? Is your career your passion? Would it fulfill a lifetime of dreams and ambitions in a way nothing else could? Is it a part of who you are, or just your best option to make money?
What is more important to you? There is no right or wrong answer, only the truth.
Best of luck with your decision.
