Miss You Issues: Catching Timid Creatures - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I apologize in advance for writing so much. Anyway, we met on a dating site and live in different countries. I asked her the usual set of questions about what she was looking for. She said that she needs to get to know the person before knowing if she wants to be in a relationship with them (in other words she’s demiromantic I think?)

We’ve been talking for a bit and although it’s mainly “What have you got planned today?” or “How was your day?” (because of our 12 hour time difference), our conversation isn’t dry and I enjoy talking to her. We even recently started talking via audio recordings (so she could practice her English with me)- this was her alternative to Skype.

I know I should have asked what her views on long distance were before when I first questioned her (but I forgot to). I’m too nervous to ask now and am scared of ruining what we have together.

But I have feelings for her and need advice on how to tell her about them in the safest way possible. She’s insecure about herself and I have extreme anxiety (so if one of us doesn’t panic, the other might when it happens)

I’ve tried asking people out before but got rejected, so I’ve kept to myself. I want to tell this girl how much I like her flaws; how much I like the things that she hates about herself, how interesting she is, and how much I want to see her in person (I don’t want to sound creepy and hate making myself vulnerable like this). What should I do? We’ve only been talking ~2 months. Thanks!

– Little Kitten

Dear Little Kitten,

Two months, or even four, is not too late in a friendship to ask what her views on a long distance relationship are, particularly since you met on a dating site. I’d jump in with something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m just wondering, would you be willing to have a long distance relationship if the right person came along?” You don’t have to make it about you and her, just get a feel for where she stands on the subject. She will know why you’re thinking about it, but asking in this way takes the pressure off.

As for telling her about your feelings, don’t rush that. Just enjoy your time together, be yourself, and let the relationship develop naturally.

It sounds to me like you’ve got a good thing going on. Trust will come naturally and then the vulnerability won’t be quite as difficult.

Dear Miss U,

Recently, I’ve been seeing a gal in a long distance new relationship. 3 hours away. She came out of a bad relationship about 7 months ago, and still cries over it, somewhat. She says she is all done with him. Also, she has a 17 yr old daughter that is having life problems and causing her to be committed to her 24/7.

We get along great. She told me she needs to move slow. I totally agreed with her. Now I’m in the position of trying to understand what slow means. She goes through phases of not getting back to me on text or the phone. When we do, we have a great talk and I feel better. But I struggle everyday with deciding when and how much to try to connect with her, without pushing her away. I don’t want to do anything that will push her away, but I feel that I need to stay relevant in our relationship. The balancing act is where I hope not to fail. Any ideas for me?

Thanks,
Conflicted.

Dear Conflicted,

The only person who can tell you what ‘slow’ means is her, but because it’s so subjective she might not even know. What she needs may vary day-to-day.

You can stay relevant but take the pressure off by not requiring a reply each time you reach out. This is something I often recommend for couples going through a busy patch, or for people with anxiety. It’s nice to know someone is there, and that the channel is open, but that they aren’t expecting anything of you. Sometimes when we are damaged the best thing someone can do for us is prove that they don’t WANT ANYTHING from us, even something as simple as a reply. Knowing someone just enjoys her company and thinks of her fondly can help her feel safe.

Let her know too, through words and actions, that you’re not going to freak out or take it personally if she needs space.

It’s much harder to read a person’s queues over distance, so you’re reliant on her to be able to tell you what she needs. Your job is to be a safe person so she knows she can do just that.

Keep being your honest self, be respectful, and over time you’ll become familiar with her tone of text and the rhythm of her life. It will get easier over time. Until then, let her know you’re deliberately trying to not overwhelm her and invite her to speak up about what she needs day to day.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.