Dear Miss U,
Me and my bf have been dating for 4 months. I’ve known him for 5 months. We met through my nephew who’s also in the navy. We met after talking for 1 month. I’ve only met him one time. He came down for a weekend and we decided to become official. I knew he was something special from the moment we started talking. When we started talking he was stationed in Charleston, SC and now he’s in Groton, CT. The distance is putting a strain on us but I know he’s worth it. My parents don’t really approve of him because we’re of a different faith and ethnicity. But I love him. He’s talking about marriage. And I know he’s serious about me because I’m his first serious relationship and the first girl he’s told his mom about. I know that one day I’m going to marry him but I don’t know if I should right now like he wants to do. He says that since we’re gonna get married why not now. He wants me to move up to CT because I live in GA. I just have so much going on right now that I don’t know what to do. I’ve just finished my freshman year of college. I’m working full time and I live with my parents. I know that if I move up there I won’t be able to go to college because I have a scholarship that only applies in GA. And I won’t have enough money to survive up there. I want to move but I just can’t and he don’t understand. Also lately he’s been playing video games and watching movies more than he has been talking to me and he’s been snappy. I’m just so confused and depressed sometimes. Any advice?
– Confused Country Girl
Dear Country Girl,
There’s no reason for him to be pressuring you to marry him or to move to him, especially not so early in the relationship. Even if you talk every day, at this point you’re still closer to being strangers than a married couple, so this is a red flag. The second red flag is that he’s putting his wants ahead of what is best for you as an individual. You have the right to get an education that leads to a career you would enjoy and the right to desire and attain financial independence. There would be a huge imbalance of power in your relationship if you just upped and moved to him now, and imbalances of power often lend themselves to controlling or abusive relationships. Be wary of him trying to manipulate you, either through denying you attention, showing anger or making you feel guilty. Despite what Twilight would have us believe, these are not the signposts of the kind of relationship you want to be in.
He is, of course, entitled to his leisure time. He might be doing these things more and being snippy because of stress. Has work been particularly hard for him or are there things in his home life that could be triggering this? Tell him you have noticed, provide specific examples where you can and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. If the only reason he sites is that he misses you and wants you to move, proceed with caution and explain to him again why you can’t and that there really is no reason to rush.
In a healthy relationship your partner should want for you, and support you in, the acquisition of your goals and dreams. It’s all good and fine to not enjoy being long distance, none of us particularly like it I’m sure, but it’s another thing to expect a girl you recently started dating and have only met once to leave everything behind and make a binding commitment to you. When the time comes to close the distance, with or without marriage, it should be a mutual decision involving compromise, funding and effort from both sides.
Enjoy your love but be cautious too. Good luck!
Dear Miss U,
I have been with this girl now for 6 years. We started out when I was away at college and she was home. We were only 2 hours away but we didn’t see each other much because I played football and in school etc. The distance never bothered us. We were young and got engaged after only 6 months because we were both head over heels for each other. About 2 years ago we moved in together and it seemed like things were great, but I was trying to work as much as I could to keep us in the apartment after she lost her job and our relationship became stale. We took a break for about 8 months and have been back together for about a year now. Recently our anniversary passed and she didn’t even get me a card, which is not normal. We talked and figured we need to work on things, but today she tells me she’s not into it anymore. When I ask her why she just tells me she doesn’t know. Is it possible she’s into someone else and doesn’t want me to know, or is it more like she’s just not in love with me anymore? I don’t know what to do. I’ve always treated her like my queen and I’m still so in love with her. But I know you can’t force love. What should I do?
– Chase
Dear Chase,
I can’t read her mind from this distance, the force is not strong within me, so I suggest that you ask her if she wants to try and save this relationship or not. Don’t ask her if it’s because she’s interested in someone else, because all she is going to hear is “You’re obviously cheating on me” even if that’s not what you’re trying to say, and the information is irrelevant to you anyway. Knowing if she’s crushing on someone else doesn’t tell you what is wrong with your relationship – and there must be something wrong with the relationship for her to be interested in someone else as generally happy people don’t stray from their partners – nor does it tell you if the problem can be fixed, so put questions of competition out of your mind and get to the heart of the matter.
The thing about long-term relationships is they can become very boring. Combine that with this human compulsion to get comfortable and take things for granted and break-ups start happening. Sadly, if she doesn’t want to try and work on it with you there isn’t anything you can do to save the relationship. Both people have to want it.
If she is willing to keep trying she is going to have to be brutally honest about where the issue lies and what would make the relationship fulfilling for her again. Try to converse frankly with each other and listen without getting offended or defensive. If she says she wants to work on it but doesn’t know what’s wrong, guide her to figuring it out by asking questions like “When was the first time you noticed your feelings were starting to change or had changed?” It’s possible she’s holding onto anger, resentment or jealousy from a past incident and hasn’t managed to get past it. If she’s particularly stressed or on new medication that can also affect how in-love she feels. Ask her if there’s things from the beginning of the relationship she misses and wants to bring back.
Like many things relationship-wise all you can do is talk it out. In the meantime it can’t hurt to start making arrangements for what you’ll do if this really is the end. It is my hope that she will open up to you and you can rekindle the love you’ve worked so hard on.
