Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend is moving to the city I now live in and closing the distance in about two weeks. You can imagine how ecstatic I am that I will actually get to be together with him in a CDR for the first time. He and two of his friends are moving into an apartment together he has extended the invitation to move in with him. This is great and all but… I’m a little nervous.
I know you can’t tell me to move in or not to, that’s not what I’m asking. I’m terrified of moving in with him so quickly and not having commitment set. I know conventional society would call me strange for not jumping at the chance and “old fashioned” for wishing we would at least be engaged before the move in occurs. But I fear we’re not ready. I don’t want this to tear us apart. He is the person I know I want to spend my life with. However, it could be so easy for us to tear apart for petty differences if we aren’t ready. We’ve never even lived in the same city before.
Is this cautious thinking out of things and decision making process a sign that I’m not ready or a sign that I don’t trust him enough? Or is it just normal to be nervous about such a big change in life and relationship?
Thanks,
-Overwhelmed
It’s alright to be Overwhelmed.
What I don’t understand is why you don’t think wanting to live with you shows an increased level of commitment to you. Living with him and his mates however is quite a bit different than just living with him – the dynamic is different, and it’s not just him you’ll need to deal with, if there’s friction between you and one of his friends that will put him in a difficult situation every time.
Even people you love are not easy to live with, so no, I don’t think it’s a case of not trusting him enough. It’s a big step, not the kind of step I ever recommend to be left until marriage, but if you’re not ready just yet that’s fine. Why not wait until he’s established there, and spend a few nights with him and see how comfortable you are. You’ll likely be sharing a room with him anyway, so it’s not like you will miss anything by moving in at a later date.
One step at a time
Dear Miss U,
I met a man online in a chat room and immediately hit it off. At first, it was not more than a flirtatious good time which is the most common reason people join chats. After a couple of weeks, we actually started opening up and sharing personal life information. I have never had an online relationship with someone whom I have not met in person so I tried to push him away before things got too serious. I told him we should just speak as friends and nothing else, at least not until we actually meet in person. He agreed and we continued our daily chats. Well, the more we talk to more I’m attracted to him but, he is currently separated, still not divorced and is the father of 3 children. He claims his situation is difficult and even though he has been developing serious, genuine feelings for me over the past couple of weeks, he prefers to maintain the friendship and not put it at risk, he fears his situation will not allow him to put much time and effort in an LDR and it will end up in failure with my feelings hurt. He’d rather be my friend over anything. I am willing to work around the distance and his situation but of course I can’t do it all on my own. We are scheduled to meet in person this coming January, he has his airplane ticket; he’ll be in my town for 4 days and wants to spend time with me. I am not sure what to do anymore, a part of me wants to see him but another part tells me it’s pointless if all he wants is friendship. What should I do?
Octobersky
You should meet him anyway. Meeting in person is a big step in these kinds of relationship – it’s the make or break point. He might decide after meeting you that LDR is suddenly not so inconvenient after all, or you might decide you don’t really like him in person. For now, there’s nothing wrong with being friends. All good marriages are based on solid friendships. Just let him know you’re open to taking it further if he decides he is and let everything develop at its own pace.
You can never have too many friends.
Dear Miss U,
Hiya, my girl has some issues in the past, with relationships and friendships, and she never quite got a grasp of how much I really care for her, and she has gotten it into her head that I don’t love her, but she loves me, and that I’m only saying “I love you” because it’s just words, and they’re not hard to say. So I guess I’m asking, how can I prove to her that I actually do care (I’ve tried poems, paintings, songs, notes and even texting) I guess this all started when I suggested we’d move in together, then saying I think it might be a bit soon, but I mean, it’s a big step, especially after 4 months, so I’m thinking we’ll do it in March next year, I just don’t know what to do. Also, she doesn’t want me to buy her tickets so she can come see me, but she doesn’t have a job, and I’ll start working soon, so it’s impossible for me to visit her. What to DOOOO!?
Sincerely,
1555 Miles away from her
The problem is her, not you. Stop trying to prove yourself. All you’re doing is jumping through hoops for a girl that doesn’t appreciate it. By telling you you’re lying when you say “I love you” or that you don’t understand the weight those words carry, or whatever else she’s trying to imply is disrespectful of your feelings. Ask her if she feels unloved and why she does if the answer is yes. Find out if there is a real problem here or if she’s just playing games. Try to have a deep conversation over this and get to the bottom of it – and if that doesn’t change anything you probably need think about moving on. There are a lot of women out there yearning to be shown love in all the ways you’re willing to do, so if she doesn’t appreciate you find someone who does.
