Closely Guarded Secrets

Dear Rita,

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! The circumstances might not be ideal, but it’s still a blessing and I hope you don’t lose sight of that in the light of everything to come.

In your place, I would tell my family by saying straight up that you’re asking for support, not abuse. That you know you might have made some unconventional choices, but going over what could have been, does not help anyone. And finally, I’d make it very clear that if they can’t be happy for you, they can keep it to themselves. When I am very afraid to have a conversation because I don’t think I will be able to talk through all the tears, I write a letter instead. You know your family best, and have a better guess than I do at how to approach each individual. I would not tell them all at once. Don’t put them in a position of power to gang up on you.

Change is hard. A lot of people become fearful when we break away from their idea of what is normal and acceptable because on a primitive level they are afraid of what might happen to us if the ‘tribe’ rejects us. With that said, there are more and more people the world over doing things ‘out of order’ as you have done, and I’d encourage you to reach out to them for support. You can find groups for everything over social media and sites like Meetup.com. Look for a mothers' group for women with the same due date as you, or even unwed mothers with your cultural background. There is always someone out there just like us.

Is it possible for your boyfriend to become documented? What would need to happen for him to achieve that? It might feel insurmountable in the short term, but it could pay off in the long run.

I wish you all the best and hope one day you’ll write to me with an update. I know it's scary, but remember: this is your life. You must live it for you, not for anyone else (except your kids, of course!) Chase your happiness, even if it involves situations traditionally avoided. You're stronger and smarter than you realize.

Dear Clara,

Sometimes there isn’t a how. Sometimes there is only a do. When the only option is forward, you go forward. There is nothing anyone can tell you that will speed up time, or magically make LDR easier. But then, if you could, you’d miss all the things that make an LDR advantageous. There are things you learn just by going through hard times that you can’t master any other way – and let me assure you, LDR is not the worst thing you are going to face together. Not even close.

My advice is to embrace this time. Three months is nothing and will be over before you know it, so do all the cutesy LDR things now. Make some memories and let this experience teach you things that will benefit your relationship in years to come, like how to communicate effectively and how to comfort each other when all you have is words.

Beyond that, stay busy and focus on the positive things. Focus on connecting with each other rather than the miles between you and don’t make your relationship about the distance, because it’s not. It’s about you two as a couple; the distance is just a temporary factor.

LDR is never going to be easy, but your attitude can make it a lot worse than it has to be, so start counting your blessings rather than feeling sorry for yourselves.