Dear Miss U,
My SO is in college, and this isn’t just an easy flow school-work college. He has some really intense classes that take up a huge amount of his time. I understand too, I went into this realizing how busy he would be. He tries his very best to make time to text and Skype when he can, which per week amounts to once a week on Skype, texting varies since he has to study his butt off. I really miss him and whenever he has to cancel to study isn’t really a surprise, but it still hurts, and I don’t want to get down and make him feel bad. I just don’t want to be sad every time he has to end the conversation.
What can I do to cope with the significant lack of communication? Are there other ways I can communicate with him?
~ A year behind him
Dear A Year Behind,
When you live together with someone you often spend a great deal of time together but not interacting, but somehow you don’t feel nearly as alone, the house doesn’t have that queer empty feeling. You can apply this to your LDR. Could you not stay on skype together while he studies? I call it “companionable silence.” Just be his companion. You can “look over” and see him there, you can hear him mutter to himself and turn pages of his textbook. You’re not alone. But, you have to be able to resist the urge to talk to him and take his attention – just like if you were in the same house you wouldn’t vacuum while he was concentrating. Perhaps something as simple as being companionable is all you need. Then when he takes a break, there is no effort on his part to contact you because you’re already there.
Failing that, you can send him lengthy emails that he can read at his own leisure. This is often less disruptive than texts. He may however be too busy to reply.
Sometimes planning little surprises can take the mind away from being apart and make you feel more like you are interacting with them even though you’re technically not. Make him something to reward him for his hard work.
You don’t have to be speaking to communicate.
Dear Miss U,
My lady friend and I have been LD for about 2 months now, starting when went off to separate universities, and we’re doing pretty okay so far. The thing is, her roommate is kind of annoying; interrupting us while we’re skyping, being loud in the background, and she’s hardly ever out. But here comes to tough part: She can’t just ask her roommate to quiet down or go somewhere else for an hour, because she has some issues with social anxiety, and would be way too nervous to ask. I have similar issues, so I really do understand, but sometimes I really feel like it affects the quality of our time together. Not only that, but when I’m feeling insecure, sometimes I feel like I’m not as big a priority as what her roommate or others think of her. I know that’s not true when it comes to the big picture, but I worry about things like this affecting our relationship. I don’t know how to talk to her about it so as not to be like every other person in her life who has made her feel bad for her anxiety. I did get frustrated ONCE when I was PMSing, and it was not good. I was really dumb, and I made her feel really bad and I hated it. I really want to make this work. I can’t let something like this get between us, but what do I do?
– Kate
Hey Kate,
Unfortunately you can’t do a whole lot. The roommate has a right to do more or less what she wants in her own home and asking her to leave would be wrong, especially if it were a regular thing. Roommates are basically a fact of life for many college students, and one important thing is your girlfriend has to live with her so doing anything to cause friction in their relationship is not in her or your best interests.
Instead if you and your girlfriend want privacy she needs to go find somewhere you can have that; possibly a nearby Starbucks or similar place at a time when business is likely to be slower.
If that’s not an option perhaps you can use an instant messenger for the bulk of your conversations so you can‘t hear the roommate and be upset by her antics.
It’s not forever. Be patient and accept that for now this is how it’s going to be unless your girlfriend decides she’s had enough and is willing to speak up.
