Dear Miss U,
My bf and I (both 22 years old) have been officially together for about a year. He is the first person I truly love, and he feels the same way.
However, we “argue” a lot: we aren’t mean to each other, insult each other or any of this. But it seems like there is always something that bothers me. I feel like I am not his priority (when we are apart), that I do everything in the house (when we are together) etc. These moments are painful for the both of us.
I sometimes wonder: is this relationship healthy? Is a relationship supposed to be painful like this? On the bright side, we love each other and we have gradually learned how to better “adapt” to each other…
In fact, we are completely different on so many levels: I am French, he is American. I have religious beliefs, he is an atheist. I am not sure I want kids, he is a born father. And most importantly: I dislike the United States, he loves his country. I want to travel and settle to many different places, he would rather stay at the same place all his life.
Many of our “arguments” are started by me saying that we might not even be able to ever BUILD something together. After all, they say you shouldn’t plan a life with someone that doesn’t have the same goals in life. Shall we still try and trust our love? Or shall we, even in love, breakup before having to commit to this relationship (closing the distance, marriage…)?
LDR gives me time to think, but I am not sure I am doing us a favour…
–Fey
Dear Fey,
First I need you to ask yourself: “Am I borrowing trouble?” and “Am I deliberately creating drama where there is none?” – It’s important to know, and even if the answer is yes, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s quite normal for some people to be so used to the rocky ground that when there isn’t any drama they will look for a problem to solve. Sometimes, it’s just damn hard to be happy.
Now, by no way do I think all of your arguments are because of this. The incompatibilities you have mentioned are very real and they do need sorting; but before we come to that you need to make an important decision: Are you in, or are you out?
If you’re out, you need to give up, step back, cut your losses, say goodbye. You know the drill.
And if you’re in, you need to be really in. If you’re in you need to put aside the worries that you can’t build something together and actually make a start at building it. If you’re in, you make a commitment to him and to yourself that you will make this work, regardless of obstacles. You just DO IT. You can’t get through a relationship with one foot out the door ready to cut and run. If you’re in, give it your all.
You’ve discovered something that other people seem to take years to grasp: It is hard to take two individuals and mesh the facets of their personalities and lives together to make one future. Hard does not mean impossible though; in fact there are very few things that are impossible. Take flying for example. Lots of people would say that’s impossible. However, there is a compromise – airplanes. You both need to sit down and find the airplane that will make it possible for your relationship to fly.
As we mature we often find the things that were really important to us become less so, and things we thought we’d never want suddenly become the center of our worlds. Keep this flexibility in mind with your discussions. Then make your lists:
1) What you need in life – the things you can’t live without and won’t compromise on. Try to make this five items or less.
2) Things you would like, but don’t need – things you will barter with.
3) Things that are not important to you – things you are willing to delay or give up to make the other happy, lesser things to barter with.
You might also need a fourth list, “Things that I never want” Or you can re-word them to fit in with list #1.
Once you have written your lists separately, sit down and start trying to fit the pieces of your lives together. Look for compromises. Maybe instead of settling in different countries, you can agree frequent holiday traveling instead – if so, you would set down a percentage of your incomes to make that goal a reality. Or you can start with traveling the states, with the hopes that you find a place there you don’t dislike so much. Maybe after traveling his home country he will understand your longing to see the world. One of his must haves is likely to be children. That’s a big one, so you need to think on it a lot, because offering to get a puppy isn’t likely to be a satisfactory compromise. Perhaps you can agree to having children later in life, having less of them, or agreeing that when the time comes he will be the stay-at-home parent, not you.
I can not tell you if your relationship is a healthy one. I assume it’s not supposed to be easy though, because nothing worth doing is ever easy. Talk it out, one more time. Make a plan together, draft a ten year time line. If you can’t, that gives you an answer. If you can, ask yourself how you feel when it’s done. Listen to what your heart tells you.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my bf have been together 3 years and for the past few years we have had problems with what he expects from me. I tend to go on long weekends with my family when I go away I don’t always feel like texting but if I put my phone away he makes me feel guilty we argue over how to communicate when away. I believe when I’m away I shouldn’t have to be attached to my phone 24/7 or to be punished for having a good time. What really upsets me is how disrespectful he is towards me when I’m away my mom hears it and it upsets her and makes her not like him. Our relationship is very one sided he yells at me for things he does to me when he is away I don’t avoid him on purpose I’m just trying to enjoy myself what’s wrong with that?
Stacey
Dear Stacey,
This question is hard to answer because I’m not sure how much contact he still expects from you when you go away, but I can say that in a relationship we have an obligation to look after the emotional needs of our partners – regardless of where we are or what we are doing. This is even more pronounced in a LDR because when you go away nothing changes for him – except suddenly there’s this hole that you usually fill. When you live with someone and they go away it’s a bit different. There’s that I-can-starfish-on-the-bed relief that you don’t get in a LDR, you can do all those things you miss from your bachelor days, like using fries as a spoon for your ice cream… When you’re long distance though, you go from missing your partner to missing your partner even more, and often feeling abandoned or resentful that they are having so much fun without you.
Now, I don’t believe people should be expected to be attached to their phone 24/7 regardless of where they are, nor do I find it healthy that so many people in long distance relationships send their partners a play-by-play of their day as it progresses, so it does depend what he’s asking of you.
For this situation the contact I suggest is ‘three a day’ – a simple good morning text (One or two, not a whole conversation) perhaps mentioning a dream of him or plans for the day; a mid-afternoon text to say “I’m having fun but still thinking of you” and then a short phone call or a 15 minute texting conversation when you’re already in bed.
The latter may not work for people with a time difference, but a string of sms or an email instead will likely suffice over a weekend.
In my opinion, if you’re giving him less than this, yes he has the right to complain. If you’re doing this or more, he needs to give you space and of course, if it’s longer than a three day weekend, then you’d need to try to find at least half an hour each day to make a phone call.
Most importantly: It’s never ok for him to abuse or disrespect you, even if you’re in the wrong. Let him know you won’t put up with being treated that way, and if it doesn’t stop let him go make someone else feel guilty.
