Dear Miss U,
I never thought I’d be writing to you as up until this point my relationship has been great, we’ve done good with the distance with of course a few bumps here and there. My reasoning for writing is because after talking to a friend I’m questioning my boyfriend’s commitment to this relationship.
I am here trying to save money, look for apartments there etc and his mind is on other things like an upcoming trip in October, knowing I’m supposed to be moving there this summer.
My friend says that IF he was really serious about us and getting me out there he’d be less concerned about a trip. Until that moment I hadn’t really given it much thought but now I’m questioning everything like for example he goes out, I’m more of the stay at home type, he wants a place closer to his family (understandable) whereas where they live is pricier than what we’d be able to afford and we can’t agree on a location. I’m just trying to figure out how I will fit there, how we will agree on a location.
Concerned.
Dear Concerned,
I personally don’t see why he can’t be excited about his trip in October. I don’t think that reflects his feelings for you or his commitment in particular, but if it did I’d have to say that at only six months into the relationship it is probably par for the course. I see a lot of new relationships where one person is more invested and more ready than the other, and it isn’t a big deal if that is the case.
People are complex and able to care about more than one thing at a time, able to be excited about more than one thing at a time. With that said, if you feel like you’re being taken for granted, or are getting a bit resentful about this trip you need to address it with him.
Overall from your letter I see that perhaps he isn’t great with budgeting. That’s the impression I get above all else. Perhaps you need to put a budget on paper and walk him through it, so he can see what is and isn’t financially viable. In regards to location, if you want to live in a more expensive area, you need to sacrifice something else to make it happen. You might have to settle for smaller, shabbier, accommodations. Where you will be working should also be taken into account, because it makes no sense to rent a cheaper place and then spend all the savings traveling.
It is good you’re not being completely blinded by love and that you are stepping back and looking at your relationship through the eyes of others, but also remember you are living it and know it more intimately than those who are watching from the sidelines. Do give your friend’s words thoughts, but don’t base your actions off other people’s perceptions.
Dear Miss U,
I really don`t know what to do and I am desperate for advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating since last summer, after which I had to go to university abroad and he had to stay in our home country. Our relationship was so strong, based on trust and kindness, and I`ve never felt so loved and love someone so much, and we had always said that we would wait for each other. But.. a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he can`t do this long distance thing anymore, because the more time he spends with me when I am there, the more depressed he is after I leave. He said that sometimes these feelings of depression and sadness make him hate me a little for always leaving and for him the distance does make a difference and kinda changes his feelings for me, even though I`m going home every 2-3 months for a month. He is not able to move here with me, and I am not willing to go back to continue my studies there.
I still have hope that there is a solution and I still love him too much to let this go just like that. He is just being too pessimistic and I don`t know what to do about it. We are gonna have a face-to-face conversation in a couple of days as I am going home, but I really don`t know if there is a way to be together anymore, if he thinks that it`s better for us to move on in order to stop the pain of not being together. I’ve always thought that love is more important than the distance.. Is it true that sometimes love is not enough?
Confused
Dear Confused,
Sometimes love is not enough. Like when there is love but no respect, or where there is love and abuse. Love is not enough if there is no effort. Love is not enough if there is no communication. But like you, I believe love is more than enough to handle the distance. However, the world is made up of all different kinds of people and what is true for us may not be true for them.
It will never make sense to me that some people can say “I don’t see you enough so I don’t want to see you at all,” but it can and does happen. I can’t help but think after a while of not being in your life he will miss you so chronically he will question his decision to end it, but I also feel like he is blaming you for the distance; that resentment is building up within him.
You can ask him if there is anything more you could be doing, besides moving home, to help him cope and encourage him to give this another try, but if his mind is made up your hands are tied. Perhaps in a few years when your studies are done and you are both older you can revisit the possibility of a relationship together.
I’m truly sorry for your pain and helplessness but I have a lot of respect for your choice to continue studying abroad. I feel that if he can’t stand by you as you work towards your future, it would be too risky to sacrifice that opportunity for him.
