Dear Miss U,
I have been with my SO for a long time now. We love each other dearly, we voice chat with each other 10+ hours every day, and have done for the duration of our relationship (Barring internet issues).
I love her, and believe that she is who she says she is, but she has severe anxiety and self-confidence issues. I will never force her to do something she doesn’t want to, but at the same time, I’d like to just once see her face live. She’s sent me pictures of herself and we voice chat all the time, but she won’t ever video chat.
She also takes massive offense to anything remotely critical of her (even lightly worded suggestions on how she could maybe try something different in the games we play together).
I’m worried her self-confidence will always be a barrier to us closing the distance, but I’m a patient and caring guy. How can I get her to open up to me more, and be a little less afraid of rejection?
MB
Dear MB,
I know traditionally you ask the questions and I have the answers, but honestly I want to know how on earth two twenty-four year olds have the time to voice chat for ten or more hours a day for over a year. Even if you’re in the same time zone, that’s amazing. I sincerely hope you’re including time one or both of you is asleep on Skype in that total; because otherwise mate, what the hell are you both doing with your lives?
You know what would be great for her confidence? Getting off the damn computer and interacting with people. Outside even. In the real world, not in a game.
I’m sure that seems harsh and I will be rolling in the hate mail, but coddling either of you isn’t going to help your situation, so here’s the truth:
Get jobs. Both of you. Or go back to school and study something you’re passionate about. Because if you’re honestly sitting on Skype for ten hours a day you are wasting the very privileged life you’ve been handed with. Go do something. It will make you both more interesting people and it will put her in situations where she can gain genuine confidence. Picking up new skills, helping people and being good at something all build confidence. Talking to strangers is hard at first, but when those strangers begin to remember your face and show a genuine interest in interacting with you (like return customers at work or with a group you volunteer for) it helps you reassess your self-worth. It helps you see value in yourself in ways your boyfriend’s reassurance can’t.
The best you can do is be encouraging and lead by example. Reassure her when she gets scared that no matter what you will love her and be there for her, then give her the space to figure it out for herself. If her lack of confidence and anxiety are interfering with her quality of life – or indeed her ability to live her life – then she needs to seek professional help. It’s not likely to go away on its own and you can’t fix her. Love is not, and never will be, “all you need.”
When it comes to showing her face on camera, ask her why it is so different from seeing each other in person. If she says she wouldn’t let you see her in person either, then this relationship isn’t really going anywhere. You can’t remain as an online couple forever. Well, you could. But you wouldn’t want to. Perhaps if she only had to turn the camera on with the promise you won’t comment on what you see, won’t make her fuss with the webcam to give a better angle, you could convince her. Ask her if there’s something you can do to make her comfortable with trying it just for a few minutes. Start small. She will become less afraid of rejection as she learns that you’re not going to reject her, and that takes time. Sometimes a very long time.
Lastly, when delivering advice or criticism, there are two ways to do it effectively. The first is known as the compliment sandwich. Start with a good thing, slide the criticism in, end with another positive observation. For example:
“Wow, look at how much damage your mage does! That’s great. I feel like you lose a lot of time switching between targets like that though, perhaps you could kill them one at a time so those precious seconds aren’t lost. I’m also really impressed with that jump-and-shoot maneuver you’ve been doing, can you show me that again?”
The other way is to suggest a new way to do it, and then leave it at that. Don’t expect her to try it right away, because that takes confidence she doesn’t have. Make the suggestion (using “I” not “you” language) and then let it go. Chances are she’ll try your idea when she thinks you’re not paying attention. Here’s an example of what to say:
“I notice that you’re dying a lot in this dungeon. The healer must be struggling. When I get a bad healer I try running towards them when I’m dying, it seems to help.” This sounds a lot less accusatory than “You’re dying because when you run from the monster you’re also getting out of range of the healer.”
I’m sure with your love and deep patience, time and maturity will bring her out of her shell.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
Me and my boyfriend are both starting out lives. My parents still won’t allow me to visit him where he lives. I want to leave school and start a college course because of how stressed I am and I’m failing most of my subjects because of this. However, I have plane tickets booked to spend my Christmas holidays down and return 15 before my exams. I applied for a course to leave school and she’s not happy. She says she won’t support me, will make me lose all contact with my boyfriend, cancel my plane tickets. This is a massive problem, if I don’t move down sometime soon I won’t be able to see him this year at all and I was hoping I could get a course for a diploma in beauty therapy. But I can’t ask to stay with his parents. I’m so confused and I have no idea what to do, I can’t go a year without seeing him and maybe longer because he will have a 5 year apprenticeship and my beauty course is 2 years. Am I overreacting and thinking too far ahead, moving in with someone is a huge deal and we haven’t been together long, especially without any support from my parents. Am I being immature? HELP.
Isla
Dear Isla,
I can’t help but think that if you’re stressed and failing school then college is not the answer. College will be much harder than school, for starters. It seems to me that you’re impatient for your life to begin and this impatience is leading you to make foolish choices that aren’t in your best interests in the long run.
Finishing school is important. I would know. I dropped out when I was 17 and ended up having to go back as an adult, which effectively set me years behind my peers.
Your parents are upset because they worry about you. That’s their job. They want the very best for you, even if they have bizarre ways of showing it, and not finishing high school can’t be considered what’s best by any stretch of the imagination. The world’s job climate doesn’t lend itself to young people who want to cut corners. Employers tend to want to see that you can finish the things you start, that you have the ability to work hard and stick with unpleasant environments.
It’s great that you already know what you want to do with your life, and I encourage you to make the most of that knowledge by getting a weekend job in your field. You may have to work for little or no pay, but putting in the hard yards now will open doors for you later. When all your peers have nothing on their resumes except a diploma, you’ll have your diploma and a couple of years of experience.
I know you’re afraid you’ll never see him, but that’s an overreaction. At worst, you’ll wait two years until you’re legally an adult, and then you’ll go visit him. At best, you can prove to your parents that he isn’t the reason for you poor grades, you can show them that he is a positive force in your life rather than a distraction, you can approach your relationship with maturity and then convince them to support your decision to be with him. Show them you can be smart. Show them that you’re educated, that you will protect yourself and that you’re not going to wind up pregnant, drop out of school and live with them until you’re 30.
So far it looks like you’ve been going about this the wrong way. Take a step back and try to see what it looks like from their perspective. Without knowing how you feel, what conclusions could they draw from your actions?
You will know that you are ready to move in with him when you have your own savings to do so with, and have at the very least an interview lined up for a job in the place you’re moving to. If you have to rely on your parents for money then you’re not ready. Focus on doing the best with what you have right now. Don’t lock your eyes onto the future so much that you can’t see the steps you need to take to get there.
