Deciding How Your Relationship Unfolds

Dear Sky,

I know this doesn’t sound romantic, but the way to get past some of these nervous fears is to talk to your partner about what might happen when you first meet!

When I flew to Canada to meet Mr. E for the first time, it was a big deal. I’d never been on a plane before. Never traveled alone. Never left my country. To compound that, I had a massive social anxiety disorder and I’d never conventionally dated.

So he was aware I might not be able to speak to him. That’s part of my disorder. We agreed there’d be no kissing at the airport, in fact, we agreed I’d lead all intimate progressions that first day. I let him know hugs would be ok, desirable even. Our financial situation was the same as yours, so there was no flowers or chocolate at the airport. That would have been cool, but in the end, who cares? I wasn’t there for any of that, I was there to be with him.

In the end, I was horribly flight sick, and when I got off that plane after 15 hours I was so relieved to be on the ground I wasn’t nervous at all. I could not have cared less about chocolate. I ended up being so comfortable with him — he was exactly the same in person as online — that I could talk fine for the most part. And when we had our first hug he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his hips and nothing mattered except we were finally together.

So, don’t over think this. Just talk to your partner about your dreams and fears.

Glasses bumping? Well I don’t wear glasses, but I can tell you that so much about dating, romance and sex is awkward and hilarious. Things will bump. You might injure each other a little from time to time. You will embarrass yourselves. Just laugh it off. It’s ok to be human! Be human together.

No matter how serious your relationship gets, don’t take yourselves too seriously. Fun is the glue that holds a couple together.

Good luck!

Dear Heart,

Take one day at a time. Every day is a step closer to being together, in person, forever.

But no, it does not get easier. No, you won’t magically stop missing him. In my experience, it gets harder and harder until the pressure is so unbearable that the fears and effort surrounding closing the distance become nothing in comparison, and the sacrifices you make to be together feel like a relief.

In a way, that driving need to be together is a blessing. If we didn’t miss our partners — if LDR was easy — nothing would ever change.

Throughout these letters, I’ve talked a bit about my time in Canada, after Mr. E and I closed the distance, and if you’ve followed these articles a while you might think not much good came out of it, but I did receive this one gem of advice while I was there.

I worked a job I hated. We were all immigrants, and I was the only girl on the team with English as a first language, so it was alienating. I had no friends, and had lived with Mr. E for almost a year. My sister, who is also my best friend, had flown home the day before after visiting for Christmas. I could not stop crying.

My workmates were kind. They knew the pain. I was crying into my cleaning caddy when one of them came to give me moral support (and probably tell me to pull it together, because none of us could leave until all of us got their work done). This is what she said to me:

You can let yourself be miserable, or you can realize how blessed you are. You are lucky to have someone you love so much that the missing is painful.

I think this is a good lesson for all of us. Not everyone has a connection with their family. And, in your case, not everyone finds true love. So many people are crying themselves to sleep tonight wishing they could find the connection you and I take for granted. They wish they had someone to love and to miss. They wish they were writing their own love stories with every day that they are living.

Nothing makes it easier, because that’s not how great stories go. Things just get harder and harder for the protagonist (you) until the climax is reached, whereupon you triumph over the antagonist (the distance).

But does it get better? Yes. SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Is it worth it? YES.

So take each day as it comes. Do your best, even when the burden seems to heavy to carry. Love him fiercely. And make the best damn love story ever known, because you’ll be telling it to your kids (or maybe your cat) one day.

In kindness,