Dear Miss U,
I am living in Massachusetts and my boyfriend of four years is living in Chicago. We have been long distance for the entirety of our relationship. I love him dearly and know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but sometimes I feel as though we have no time to ourselves. Although I am still in college and very busy trying to get my life in order we speak every day, but it never seems to be enough for him. Despite the distance, we spend hours upon hours together every day, and should I want to do something other than Skype or talk on the phone, he becomes immensely upset and makes me feel guilty for it. I try to explain to him that I give him more time than anyone else in my life, but he doesn’t seem to grasp that I need a little more space. How should I help him to understand this?
~ 1000 Miles Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
Has he always been like this or is he particularly needy just now, perhaps because of other factors in his life? If there’s no outside reason for him to be clingy then the best you can do is remind him that it isn’t healthy for the relationship or for you as individuals to spend all your time together and that for you to flourish as yourself you need time alone with yourself. Taking time to do your hobbies, go to events or see friends enriches the relationship because it gives you new things to talk about – which is a struggle many people in LDRs face; they run out of things to say. If he makes you feel guilty, point out to him that it isn’t right for him to try and manipulate you – you need his support to make yourself the best you that you can be and it would be beneficial if he could encourage you – and make it clear you’re not going to pay heed to his guilt trips. You know you’re not neglecting him, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.
You can make it easier for him by planning ahead, perhaps if he knows you won’t be online past a certain time on Tuesday (just as an example) he can find something to fill that time with rather than moping about missing you.
You can also plan a few small surprises to help fill the gaps. Perhaps you could send him a letter or small gift in the mail, or prepare a special email for him to open after you log off. If you are putting more effort into another part of the relationship it could lessen the sting of the reduced time spent together. Remember to use positive reinforcement as well. When you ned speak after you have “me time” thank him for being understanding and supportive, and build him up so he feels like the best boyfriend in the world.
Dear Miss U,
I see my boyfriend about four times a year, each time I get a break from school (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring, Summer). Before and throughout our entire relationship, he has been suffering from depression due to low self-esteem, motivation, trust issues, and separation anxiety (from past events). Every time I visit him however, he’s incredibly happy, and during my three-month-long Summer break, we are the happiest couple in the world.
Recently, he told me that for him, each day gets progressively worse until I come home. This, of course, leads me to believe that I am the only thing that makes him happy, which puts a huge burden on me and is unhealthy for him. We Skype every day, we send letters and packages to each other, I send him texts as often as I can, we do homework together, we read to each other, we play games on the computer, watch movies and TV shows on the weekend together, and it never seems to be enough in order for him to just be happy with his everyday life. I, of course, have my own life and am in an incredibly rigorous program at my boarding school, so though I am patient and loving, this is hard for me too.
About two weeks ago, I made him get a therapist, but I realize that the process towards self-improvement for him can be a long one, and so my question is, is this relationship bad for him? Is his dependence upon me going to hinder his ability to heal and find happiness in himself and his own life?
~ Sabrina
Dear Sabrina,
Whilst I am not a psychologist, I have suffered with depression personally and helped other family members through it. It is my belief that a person should be able to face these challenges and heal from them whilst maintaining a relationship. I think your encouragement to seek help is a very positive thing and that no, this relationship isn’t bad for him. You’re not hindering him getting help, and you’re smart enough to see the limits of what is and isn’t healthy (I can tell this because you know he shouldn’t rely on you for happiness) so no, I don’t think you are going to impede him in any way. Find ways to gently encourage his independence without pushing him too hard.
Helping a partner with depression, as you have noticed, does place a lot of pressure and stress upon the well spouse however, so you have to be sure this relationship isn’t hindering your personal growth too. Remember to make your own mental health a priority, take time out or ask others for help as you need to.
