My girlfriend and I have just begun a 2 year LDR. I moved to the US to do a masters and she is in UK finishing her undergrad. Before we got together she was very depressed, locking herself away for days at a time, not eating, and feeling as though there was no positivity in her life; she nearly dropped out of school. The year we were together she was always happy, positive, and we planned our future together. Now that I am here she seems depressed again. She finally went to the doctors and they prescribed her pills. But that same doctor has previously misdiagnosed friends and family, and she was prescribed pills primarily because the waiting list for counseling is too long - she is unwilling to take the pills. She has recently made the decision to take a year off and focus on herself. I am so pleased she is doing this, but she refuses to go back to the doctors saying that it is pointless and the only thing that will make her happy is when I am back in the UK. How can I make her want to get better and find happiness in things other than me? Whilst I want to be with her, right now I want to do this opportunity without feeling guilty for not coming home. How can I talk about how hard it is for me being so far from England without prompting her to say 'just come home then'? Also, I feel like all we ever talk about is how much we miss each other and how miserable she is - how can I change up our conversations so that we've got more to talk about and we're more positive?
Kimberly
Dear Kimberly,
One of the hardest things to learn as a sufferer of depression is not to put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket. It’s not something that can really be taught either, each of us needs to figure it out on our own. One thing I want to make very clear is that you are not responsible for her mental health, and it’s not fair for her — or anyone — to put that pressure on you.
I find it very hard to believe there is only one doctor in her area. Can’t she see another? The time will pass anyway, why not get on that waitlist? That aside, there is a smorgasbord of online therapy options, many of which are free. Some even offer couple sessions so she doesn’t have to go alone. I’m a huge fan of therapy, it’s probably the only reason I’m still around to answer these letters, so hopefully, you can convince her not to give up on that.
A good counselor will: give her the tools to recognize a depressive episode before it starts and begin combatting it, teach her strategies to manage the episode if it can’t be avoided, and provide her the ability to talk about her mental health so that others can better support her. For example, my anxiety has been through the roof the last couple of weeks, but because of all the sessions I went through when I was younger (about 13 years ago now, and the techniques are still serving me,) I’ve been able to say to Mr. E and my kids, “Hey, this is what’s happening, and here’s what I need from you to help me hold it together...”
Beyond professional help, eating a high fiber diet (lots of fruit and veg – depression and constipation often go hand in hand,) drinking enough water, going outside, exercising an hour a day, meditating and prioritizing sleep are all things she can do to help herself, and these things cost nothing. Some of them you can even do with her to make them more enjoyable.
For the relationship side of things: do things together. Being apart doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, it just means you go about it differently. You can still watch your favorite shows together, read books to each other, play video games, have sex, cook, and even go out with the help of technology. You’re only limited by your imagination and your fear of what other people think. Hint: what they think doesn’t matter!
Try and think of a few fun creative things you want to try that only work long distance. I wanted to send Mr. E an entire puzzle piece by piece, but by the time I had the idea I didn’t have the time to pull it off. You could even get a photo of you turned into a puzzle! If that’s too corny for you, getting her favorite pizza delivered for her might also be a nice surprise.
At some point, you are going to have to sit down and talk about this though. There’s no avoiding that. You are going to have to let her know that you need support too, and “just move back” isn’t it. You’re doing something big and scary to improve the future you have together, not just for yourself. No relationship can be carried by one person alone forever; at some point, she’s going to have to step up and decide to make the best of it.
Lastly, treat your online time as though you’re in the same room. Don’t let distance be the focus of your relationship, let her be your focus, and you be hers! When you’re together mentally and emotionally, you’re still together. Relish that connection, appreciate it, instead of wishing it was something it’s not. Using positive language is key. “I love coming home to you.” “Thanks for waiting up.” “Seeing your face makes everything so much better.” “Being with you right now makes me feel peaceful.” You get the idea. Talk about what you’re grateful for.
The more blessings you count, the more will appear to be counted.
In kindness,
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