Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have been through thick and thin together and we’ve never had to say anything to make each other feel better ’cause all we needed was to know somebody would always be there. When I went to school 9 hours away, things in her life just happened to turn for the worse (car accident, had to quit her job, sick grandmother {who she has to look after}, parents ALWAYS working). I wanted to make her feel better but she doesn’t like to open up because everybody she has opened up to has either not made her feel better or they just don’t care. She doesn’t really have anybody there for her because she’s doing another year of high school and all her friends left and she is having a hard time meeting new people. I call her every day and tell her how much I love her and I’m always ready to talk to her and I just can’t make her feel happy without being there. I just would like to know how to make her feel like I’m there when I’m actually not in the sense that I make her happy without making her have to open up (which makes her sad)…any ideas? I don’t want to push her away…I love her with all my heart and I want to make her happy when she’s down…
Jek
Dear Jek,
I don’t think you are doing the wrong thing by encouraging her to open up – there are simply some problems we can not deal with alone and even though discussing them will make her sad, it can also help her come to terms with the issues. Bottling things away is never the answer. I would suggest googling advice (or purchasing a book) that relates to how best to support a person after the traumatic events she’s been through. This kind of advice will help you know what to say, and more importantly, what not to. When she does open up to you, remember to contact her the following day and thank her for sharing those thoughts with you. Give her positive reinforcement and let her know you care by showing you have not dismissed her words from your mind.
Do things to show you love her because words can only go so far. If there’s a practical avenue you can take to help her with things, do so, but also plan a few surprises for her. Make something for her – like a throw rug that she can wrap around her shoulders ‘almost like a hug’, or send her a card. There are plenty of cards on the market that are simply designed to uplift a person during troubling times. You could even find a toy ear and attach a note that says “I’m always here to listen”. The smallest gestures can put a smile on someone’s face. Don’t be afraid to be a bit lame and corny.
Contact her through as many different avenues as you can. Call her on the phone, but also send a USB drive of inspiring music and your own voice clips through the post. Send flowers to her at school – or better yet send them to her grandmother so they both can see you care, not just about her but about her family too. She her one of your shirts, unwashed so it still smells like you. Shout out to her on a website you both visit – or whatever else you can think of! The point is to touch her from many different avenues in her life so she gets more of a “surrounded by love” effect.
Most importantly, be yourself, and be there for her.
In time she will see you’re as reliable as you say you are, and the fear that you don’t care will be gone.
Dear Miss U,
I recently met my boyfriend of two months on a dating website. Aiden lives 3 hours away in Pennsylvania and I live in New York. He and I have met in person before. And we try to see each other at least every other weekend. The longest amount of time we have spent together was a week. He’s a really amazing guy and I’m very happy with him. However, I’m new to the Long distance relationship scene. So I’m ultimately not used to having him around. And it hurts me. I knew when we started our relationship that it wasn’t going to be easy. But the way I see it is what is a few months of being apart compared to a life time together. But I still can’t help but get that lonely feeling now and again. And I get extremely jealous when I see girls who can run to their boyfriend any time they are upset, angry, happy and etc. Because, I do not have that option and it’s simply not fair. The distance has started to drive a wedge between us slightly. He claims I am often distant with him. But I don’t tell him the distance is killing me because he is already under a lot of stress with his job and home life. And I feel if I tell him how I’m feeling that I will just add to the stress. I need advice on being able to open up to him. And some idea on how I can make our long distance relationship a lot easier.
Sincerely,
Nina
Dear Nina,
You’ve been together two months – even in a near-proximity relationship you wouldn’t be used to having him around yet; besides that a full week together plus visits every other weekend is actually really good for that kind of time period. I know people in NPRs that don’t see their partners that often in the early stages. All people, regardless of the distance or lack thereof in their relationships miss their partner or get lonely now and again. That is natural and healthy for your relationship, so as hard as it is I urge you to embrace it.
I feel that you are focusing so heavily on the fact it’s an LDR that you’re causing distress for yourself where there doesn’t need to be any. I don’t realistically know anyone who can run to their partner at any time. People work and have commitments outside of their relationships, they are not always reachable. People in relationships are not with each other all the time, even if they are in the same city. I feel this is a case of the grass looking greener on the other side. His emotional support is available to you wherever you are – and that does not change from LDR to NPR. I know that sometimes all you really need is a hug, or a simple touch for reassurance and it hurts to be without that, but the fact he cares and is there for you emotionally goes beyond those physical things. Distance might stop his hand reaching yours, but it does not stop his love from reaching you.
Jealousy and resentment will not help you or your budding relationship. The only thing that will make your LDR easier is acceptance; being able to be genuinely grateful for what you do have, rather than coveting what you feel you don’t. Remember that we can not know what other people’s relationships are truly like, so while those other girls might seem lucky, it might be far from the case. Perhaps they were once long distance too. Or perhaps when they run to their boyfriends the guys aren’t emotionally supportive and say the wrong things. It’s even possible some of those couples have relationships based solely on sex with one partner using the other – that’s rarely the case with a LDR!
The great thing about LDR is that it forces you to talk. Too many people get carried away in the physical side of a relationship and miss that opportunity to deeply get to know their partner, so take these few months of long distance as a gift to build a solid foundation of communication. Get to know his mind and take comfort in his dreams, aspirations and wit because all too soon you will be NP and he’ll be leaving his dirty undies on your floor. Opening up to him will become easier with time as your relationship deepens, but in the meantime simply answer his questions honestly and don’t play games. When he asks what’s wrong, tell him. If he asks how you are, don’t just say “Good” – actually tell him how you are. Worrying about why you are acting distant likely adds to his stress more than knowing that you struggle with the distance, so it’s best to just get it out there on the table.
Wishing my readers all the best,
