Divorce is 50/50

Dear Tails,

The problem with relationships is they take at least two people to work. No matter how much you want to, you can’t sustain the relationship all by yourself for any length of time – at least not and be happy. Sometimes you will have to carry the relationship alone like if he has a period of severe illness, or he’s grieving. But right now? When he’s simply too lazy to give you his attention because he’s up to his ears in video games? No. It’s not up to you to step up and fix this, it’s up to you to recognize that you deserve better. What’s the point in being in a relationship at all if the other person doesn’t want to spend time with you? And like you said, right now he has that time in abundance.

Here are the facts:

1. He doesn’t have to feel the same way as you for your feelings to be valid.
2. He doesn’t have to understand your feelings for your feelings to be valid.
3. If one of you says that there is a problem with the relationship’s communication; that means there is a problem with the relationship’s communication.

Tell him again. Be specific. Tell him you want an hour every day where you only focus on each other (or half an hour if that’s all you can find with your workload). Tell him with your voice or in a letter or by sending him a link to this article. However, you think he’s most likely to listen. There is no point in being in a relationship if you’re always lonely.

If things don’t improve, you need to ask yourself if what you have now is enough. If he never gets better at communicating and spending time with you, will what you have now be enough to get you from here to old age (considering all the challenges you will likely face together on the way)? If the answer is no, there’s only one option left – saying goodbye. We can’t change other people, and we can’t (and shouldn’t!) compensate for them. All we can do is ask them to put in the same amount of effort we do, and respect ourselves enough to walk away if they won’t.

The letter below might also be of use to you.

Dear Mark,

Trust me, it’s just as weird for her that your life continues on and she only knows about those parts you choose to share with her. Sometimes when I’m walking down the street it occurs to me that every person I pass has a richly detailed life I know little to nothing about, and there are billions of people on the planet. But here’s the thing, we are only the center of our own existences, not the center of the universe.

It’s going to take more than what I can achieve here in one letter to help you unpack why her having her own life bothers you, so I highly recommend seeing a counselor to work through it. Hey, I know what you are thinking: this isn’t a big enough issue to bother talking to someone. But it is. Any time your thoughts get stuck is a good timed to work through things, and a good therapist will give you the tools to unpack a lot of your issues independently. Mature people seek solutions to their problems. They are willing to learn and grow, even if they have to make themselves vulnerable to do so.

The first step thing you need to figure out is why this bothers you. What is the underlying feeling behind your discomfort?

Secondly, it’s important to realize that even if you lived together she would still have her own life, her own internal world. She’d have her work or study. She’ll have friends you don’t like and hobbies you don’t share. That’s normal. And it’s never going to change because your partner is always going to be a fully actualized individual, not an object that you control.

In my mind, the best way to be cool with it is by fully embracing how much you love her and taking on her dreams as your own. Something my father-in-law always says to me is "Marriage isn’t 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. In a marriage, you both give 100%." Here’s an example of how that plays out in real life: When I’m not here answering questions, I’m an author. Writing is my inner world; the thing I care about the most outside of family. I base my identity off it. So, to show he loves me in my entirety, Mr. E is involved in helping me build my career. He brainstorms with me, proofreads my novels, does about 40% of my world building, etc. He’s not a writer, but to love me completely, he needs to embrace that part of my world.

Another part of it is being able to relinquish control; being okay with not knowing every single detail and being flexible around your partner’s needs. I use a lot of affirmations in my life because words are power, but if that doesn’t work for you, try journaling, or (again) bring it up with a professional therapist so you can explore other strategies that might work better for you.

Alright, onto the second part of your question. How to appreciate talking more than you do. Hmm, this makes me think that you’re experiencing feelings of frustration when you talk because it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Or perhaps you feel like you miss her so much it makes you sad to talk? You haven’t really given me much to go off here, but start with gratitude. Remind yourself why the heartache is worth it; why she’s the perfect partner for you. Be thankful. Or, maybe you don’t enjoy it as much as you’d like to because you only talk. Maybe you need to find ways to do something together, too. A shared hobby. A TV show you both love. Buddy-reading a book. Masturbate together. Be friends on Pokemon Go. Anything! Adding in an extra avenue for connection can enhance the whole LDR experience.

It’s not always possible because people are genuinely time-poor, but where possible your LDR should be as fulfilling and intense as a near-proximity relationship of that duration would be. The goal isn’t to suffer – it’s to have a relationship, and that relationship needs to be a priority for both people.

Sometimes the key is simply to love each other more than you love yourselves, and everything else falls into place.