Miss You Issues: Do It! - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

In the beginning it was great and he seem really sweet and so nice and caring. We talked here and there, and be text morning and day and night. But sometime it was hard because he works 2 jobs, and every time he gets home he is so tired. But once in a week or so, we Skype and talk or he will call and we just talk. But sometime when we talk he won’t tell me a lot of things personal wise. I have ask him if he trust me and he says he does and I try not to bug him about why he don’t like to tell certain things, I just let it go.

Now he is moving here to be with me soon and I can’t wait. But I am just worried about him telling me all about him and trusting him to open up to me with everything.

I am wondering if it is just because we are apart and to him it just don’t seem real till he is with me. Plus I am worried that maybe he is keeping secrets? I have told him that I want an open and no secrets relationship. Should I be worried?

Sincerely,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Some people just really like their privacy. For the longest time I believed that honest people don’t need privacy because they have nothing to hide, but age has taught me that isn’t true. Some people are just very private people, and that has nothing to do with others, it’s just a personality trait. Nothing to be offended over.

Beyond that, you’ve only been together six months. That’s a really short amount of time to expect someone to be wholly comfortable, to open themselves up and be vulnerable. Have you considered that maybe he isn’t ready for whatever conversation it is that you have been trying to have with him?

You haven’t told me what kind of things he doesn’t want to talk about so I have no way to know if those off-topic areas are cause for concern or if maybe you’re expecting too much, but I do believe we have our intuition for a reason, so listen to yours. If the things he does say don’t add up, don’t ignore it, particularly if it’s something that may risk your health. (For example: some people are uncomfortable talking about their sexual history, which is fine, but no matter who you are I’m going to want to see your STI and blood test results before we stop using condoms. My partner doesn’t have to tell me names or numbers, but they do have to respect me enough to prove they are safe.)

Lastly, his past belongs to him. He doesn’t owe you access to every detail of his life up to this point, and as long as he is honest and faithful he doesn’t have to tell you absolutely everything about his present either. If he secretly likes Glee, or dreams of one day winning a poker tournament on TV or has a slight but hilarious obsession with My Little Pony (for example) it might shine a light on delightful parts of his personality, but it isn’t actually any of your business. He will open up to you in time if he wants to, but he isn’t obligated to.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend lives in England and I live in America. I get sad sometimes because I feel like we will never get to live our life together and every time I say anything he just says don’t worry it will happen. However I am losing hope in fact that because of immigration laws in both countries, it may be near impossible to move we love each other dearly and I can’t give up but feeling hopeless. Any insight would be helpful.

Too Far From England

Dear Too Far,

Immigration is hard. A nightmare even. And it is very subjective; every couple’s visa journey will be different. With that said, thousands of other people have done it or are doing it right now. It isn’t impossible. And if for some reason you can’t be together in one of your two countries, you can look into living together in a third country that welcomes people from both your nations. It can and will happen.

But it doesn’t JUST HAPPEN. You need to have a plan and work for it, like everything else in this life. So read through the fine print on the immigration website and make a list of everything you need to prepare. Breaking it down into small parts will help you see that it isn’t one insurmountable mountain but a large cluster of smaller stones you can move one at a time. And then? Do it. Even if you are terrified.

Dear Miss U,

I am currently in a long distance relationship with my best friend and my other half. He is in the Navy and is stationed in another state while I am back home in Texas working and trying to earn my Bachelor’s degree. We have been at the long distance thing since he left last June, seeing each other every couple of months on average. The distance put a strain on us after a while and we ended up breaking up for a couple of months, but recently got back together and it has been great. When we are together, I feel completely whole and at ease. I just got back from a 2 week visit to where he is stationed and am really missing him already. We are both ready to close the gap that has kept us apart for so long. I really have my sights set on moving there in the very near future but am torn. The problem is that I have a very close family who unfortunately can be pretty judgmental at times. They have always put a lot of pressure on me to do things a certain way, according to their standards, and I know that breaking the news to them about me moving to another state for a relationship would really upset them. They are also not very fond of my boyfriend because of how upset I was after we broke up. I really am ready to make this move and know that it will entail me finding a new job, enrolling in a new school, and being away from my family, but I am willing to give it a shot. Am I being naïve? Should I wait or make the move? And how should I tell my family?

Little Comet

Dear Little Comet,

Do it. It’s your life, you need to live it for you. Yes, they will be upset, but chances are they will get over it, especially once they see how happy you are. If you are ready – or ready enough! – then take your future into your hands and jump in with both feet.

I don’t know your family, so I can’t really advise you on the best way to tell them. I can tell you that it’s best to do so from a place of independence. If they are financially supporting you it will be much harder as it’s likely they rightfully feel they deserve a say in what you do. I also recommend putting the plan into action before telling them so that they can’t convince you to back out. If you’ve already enrolled in a school, secured a job or pain for your transport it will give you a stronger backbone in the face of opposition.

Remember to reassure them that they still mean the world to you, and to make sure you line up some visits home and Skype dates before you leave.

Good luck.