Do you have what it takes?

Dear Mourning,

It’s never made sense to me why people break up over the distance, like, “I miss you so much because we don’t see each other enough, that I never want to see you again!” Wait, what?

Officially a couple or not, you will still love him. You will still miss him. Your heart will still hurt. Breaking up is not the answer.

I think you need to give yourself time to adjust and, most importantly, be kind to yourself while you transition! It’s a lot to take in, but it won’t always feel this overwhelming.

Four years is a long time. When you’re a young adult it feels like forever. But you know what? Forever is a longer time. It took me over four years to meet Mr. E in person. There were times we both thought we would never make it happen. But now? It’s been ten years since we finally met, and looking back those times when we were vulnerable and corny, young and in love and terrified of the future, those are some of our best memories. The emotionally charged visits. The bittersweetness. The proving everybody wrong... it all turned out amazing.

Now, the important thing with distance – with any relationship really – is you need to keep it fun. You need to do things together you enjoy so that you’ll always want to invest quality time in the relationship. Keeping it fun helps spending another Friday night at home on the computer not feel like a sacrifice.

Beyond that, don’t make the distance the focus of your relationship. The focus of your relationship should be each other.

Because this relationship is still new, I don’t think you should fret over the future just yet. Instead, focus on deepening your bond. Get to know each other on this new romantic level, and when your relationship - with all its rules and expectations - is established, then start talking about what comes next. There are plenty of options, too, for when that time comes; so don’t be afraid you won’t find a way.

Distance doesn’t get easier, but you will get better at it. Distance won’t stop your relationship from being awesome, either. It’s just a challenge you’ll face that strengthens you for life ahead.

Congratulations on your acceptance into university. It’s an achievement and you should be proud.

Dear Jennifer,

This is a tough one because it could go either way. Some people are just legitimately awful at distance. He could be one of those people, and once you move he’ll start putting in the effort. Unfortunately, it’s entirely possible this is exactly who he is, and nothing will change if you close the distance.

You’ve told him what the problem is, but have you discussed what you need? Does he know what you expect? Have you talked about a minimum standard of communication? Have you provided concrete suggestions that he could follow to fix the problem? I know for a lot of people they hesitate to do this because it’s not romantic. We expect our partners to just know what we want and how we want it, but real life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes saying exactly what you want, (no hints, plain language,) is the key.

If you haven’t already, sit down with him and figure out what “working on it” means. Commit to seeing change, and see if he follows through. Be very clear that you need to feel like a priority – and how he can show you that you are – and don’t feel guilty about it either!

If after all that you still feel this way, it might be time to say goodbye.

I hope you do find the dedication in another equal to what you provide, either from him or from someone new. We all deserve to be number one in our partner’s life, at least until children replace us.

In kindness,