Miss You Issues: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We hit a rough patch a few months ago and spent some time apart. During that time, he moved across the country and I began the process of purchasing a house in my area. We’ve since reconnected and decided to see where things go. Some days I have a hard time not feeling abandoned. Is that something that I can speak to him about or am I best off keeping it to myself since we have decided to give this a second chance?

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

If you’re going to give this relationship an honest chance you need to base the relationship on a foundation of honesty. There should be nothing you can’t discuss safely and openly, even feelings that are not quite rational.

He wasn’t in a relationship with you when he moved away. He wasn’t trying to abandon you, he was simply living his life; but maybe hearing him say that if the kind of reassurance you need right now, and that’s ok.

Our partners are there to support us. Talk to him.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I met back in Feb 2015 in college and the chemistry was instant. I have never clicked with another human being so fast before. It was great. Well anyway we have been dating ever since and I fell so in love even when I told myself I wouldn’t. Fast forward to Jan “16 and he went back home which was three hours away. Now were apart and he only says he can visit me 1 a month. How do I convince him to visit me at least twice? He loves me and I trust him. I’m the one with my own place and he lives with his parents. So I can’t visit him whenever I want to. Plus if I visit him I have to pay to stay somewhere whereas if he visits me he can stay w/ me for free. But he says “I can’t I can’t.” I just want him to try. It hurts me to the core I just want us to be together physically more often. Like it makes me sad and depressed. We had an original agreement where he would come see me twice and then he went back and said once. And he said when he get extra money he will try. Someone please help me to find the right words to say to him! I have tried compromising. I’m back in school where we met and I’m not even excited because my love isn’t there.

Troubled in Tennessee

Dear Troubled,

He can’t or he just doesn’t want to? If he just doesn’t want to there isn’t a whole lot you can do about that. And whilst it would feel uniquely horrible to think he could visit but would rather do something else, sometimes that does happen. You both have lives to live and things to do that you can’t accomplish if you’re away from home.
If he truly can’t come more than once a month it is a simple matter of finding out why and addressing the obstacles. He doesn’t have the money? Fine, you can pay for the second visit. It’s not fair for him to do all the traveling and all the paying anyway.

If there’s a solution to his problem and he won’t take it or just keeps making excuses you will then have to ask yourself whether or not less visits is a deal breaker for you and act accordingly.

Dear Miss U,

This is probably more of a success story for some people, so I apologize if other people reading can’t take your advice from this. But hopefully it’ll help me.

I’m almost 19 and my partner nearly 22 but our current ages stand at 18 and 21. We have been dating 2 years but known each other’s online presences for 5 years. The dating started slow and like most internet relationships we didn’t know our future. That is until we met. And me again, and met again. In one year I’ve seen him 5 times for 2-3 week long intervals. His parents are wonderful too.

My main issues are, my life at home is awful, I’ve been kicked out and now I’m sofa surfing, as our distance is only Germany/England ticket prices are very cheap so that’s fine. But due to my home situation, flying home to the uk fills me with dread. Like today I’m going home (we’ve already booked a flight back for November) but I feel so emotional. Every time I go home, I cry, and it doesn’t get easier. My partner is a shell really, he’s nervous and showing emotions is hard for him (until I come back then he’s excessively excited). But my sadness stresses him out as he can’t help me and I can’t live with him and his parents.

Is there a way to stop the blues every time I return to the UK, I mean I have fairly solid plans to move out to Germany next year, and I have 3 visits planned so I shouldn’t hurt so deeply. But going home fills me with sadness. I cry, and I’m forced to take home a shirt of his to beat the loneliness.

Small Troubles I Paradise

Dear STIP,

Sometimes life is so awful all we can do is hang on, put our heads down and push on through the storm. It’s ok to cry and dread going home. Who wouldn’t in that situation? I feel like you need to give yourself a bit more grace to feel the emotions you rightfully experience. Crying is a coping method. It is a way for your body to work through the huge stress that is your life right now. It is an outlet. No, it isn’t enjoyable, but it’s healthy. You say you “shouldn’t hurt so deeply” but honestly I don’t see why not. I personally think you just shouldn’t be so hard on yourself!

Sadly, there isn’t a way to stop the blues. There is nothing I can tell you that will enable you to not feel all these negative emotions. It is something you have to go through. It is a part of the journey. Right now the best you can do is fix your eyes firmly ahead. You can already see the light at the end of this tunnel. You know you’re moving next year. Right now you just have to endure. Clutch that shirt to your chest, take a deep breath, grit your teeth and push forward know that it isn’t going to feel like this forever.

The winter is always darkest before the spring; but spring always comes.