Don’t Ever Give Up

We are rarely helpless, though it often feels like the power is out of our hands.

Occasionally, our problems are bigger than our relationships and we have to trust that our partners will wait. That even alone in the dark, with no contact, their love will endure. And that’s scary, particularly with our culture of instant validation. We’re impatient, but love? Love is not. Love waits.

The great news is, your dysfunctional family doesn’t have to like your boyfriend, and inevitably you’re going to bust out from under their influence and never look back.

Right now you need to get out, even if that means moving even further away. Would he be willing to move out with you, getting a place together? Are you willing to move to a city, where there might be better opportunities, or move to the country where rent will be cheaper? Is there a professional you can approach for help with your resume/CV? It’s possible that’s letting you down, and you’re missing out on jobs you’d have otherwise landed. Job hunting agencies in your area might be willing to help you, even if you don’t sign up for their services, you lose nothing by asking.

Now I hate to sound like a dishonest person, because I pride myself on transparency, but are there any adults in your life willing to lie for you? Sometimes you can’t get a job because you don’t have experience, but you can’t get experience because you don’t have a job, and in times like that you might need to bend the truth. Find someone who is willing to say you worked for them or volunteered in some capacity that would show the skills you’d need for whatever jobs you’re applying for. Beyond that, apply for and accept really crappy jobs. A lot of people think working fast food or cleaning hotel rooms is below them. It’s not. Every job you hold down for a respectable length of time gives you a step up into the real world and takes you closer to financial independence.

Things might not get better soon, but they will get better. Don’t give in to despair. I spent a chunk of my teens in a house very much like your grandmother’s and waited over five years to close the distance with Mr. E, and you know what? That trauma is just a memory now. A story I’ll tell my kids someday. When you’re mired in the hard patches they feel endless, but they’re not. You will claw your way out, and then you’ll be able to look back and laugh triumphantly.

Don’t give up.

Dear Sam,

For me personally, I never found it got easier.

For this one thing, I think it’s better to treat the symptoms rather than searching for a cure. You know you’re going to feel awful, that it might be hard to sleep (or stop sleeping), that it might be hard to eat (or stop eating), and that you’ll temporarily struggle to care about any of your loves outside of him, and that’s ok. You need to give yourself a little grace to fall apart. It’s ok to be a thinking feeling human. Why shouldn’t we cry? Why should we have to hide our heartbreak, when we’re torn from the arms of the one we love most?

I give you permission to be human.

With that said, you are experienced enough now to see the symptoms coming and prepare for them, so stock up on tissues. Give yourself a day or two upon return where you can just watch movies and cry. Get that first awkward video call out of the way, so you can readjust to the distance portion of your relationship. Store something in the freezer before you go that you not only enjoy, but that will nourish you rather than put more stress on your body. Make plans before you go so you have something to look forward to upon your return. Ask him to record a bedtime story for you, so you can hear his voice as you fall asleep at night. Get creative. Even if something you try doesn’t work, it will pass the time, and that has its own benefit.