Drop In Communication | When Parents Disapprove of Boyfriend

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I are in the very early stages of a LDR. We have been together for 1 month and met for the first time last weekend. Prior to meeting, we would message each other ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night’ as well as random romantic messages through the day. I could practically feel the excitement and happiness through his messages to me. Now, however, it feels like something has changed between us now that the excitement of the meeting has gone. He hasn’t messaged me good morning like he used to; it’s always me that initiates it now, and we barely message during the day. He still maintains everything is fine but I worry that we hyped this meet up so much for the 3 weeks prior that he now no longer has any real passion or interest. Is it normal for couples to ease off communication a little after they meet? I just don’t know what to think. He still messages now and again and can be romantic. When we parted ways at the airport he said he wanted to make a go of ‘us’ but the drop in communication has confused me. Am I just over thinking things? Please help!

Struggling

Dear Struggling,

People deal with going back to distance in different ways. I know that for me the stage after the first meet was the hardest. Suddenly we knew what we missing. We’d committed to each other, but there was just this huge stretch of hard work ahead. Eventually closing the distance just felt so impossibly far away we couldn’t be excited for it. Some people also experience a short period when they go back to the distance where interactions feel empty. They don’t seem as satisfying as the real deal, and that can put a dampener on things.

I think it’s important to make it clear you’re willing to talk about relationship issues, and that you can do so without freaking out, and then just let it go. Trust he will come to you if there is a problem, and then stop looking for problems yourself.

You will find your groove again.

Dear Miss U,

When I first started dating my SO, my parents didn’t like that I was dating him because he lived in another city in our state. Now that we’re dating again, I’m afraid to tell my parents we’re dating because they don’t like him because of some things he’s posted on his Facebook. I don’t know what to do because my mom keeps asking me what I’m doing after graduation and I want to move to the town he lives in because I’m going to the college there. I’ve been avoiding telling her that I’m going to live with him until I go to college due to a gap year. How should I tell them I’m dating him and get them to accept my relationship with him?

Trouble with acceptance

Dear Trouble,

Whenever you hide something you give the impression of guilt. You’re silently saying, “I’m not confident in my decision. I’m doing the wrong thing.” Or even, “I’m ashamed of my partner.” Obviously, this is not the start to your relationship you need.

I’m sure your parents realize that the late teens are a time of swift growth and change, that just because he was posting disagreeable stuff on Facebook six months ago, doesn’t mean he holds those beliefs now. I think you need to access the validity of their concern there too. What did YOU think of those posts? Was he being racist, homophobic, or trolling? Was he being disrespectful to women or inciting violence? Because those things are totally out of line. Your parents would have a valid point to make if they didn’t want you to be with someone perpetuating rape culture or demeaning differently-abled people. Your parents have a lot of life experience, and it’s a good idea to respect that.

I can’t tell you how to tell them because I do not know your parents, but I can tell you to be confident. I think it’s worth having them spend time together, have him come for a proper relationship-building visit and encourage him to bond with your parents. He’s probably a lot nicer than his online presence indicates, and this way he can advocate for himself. If either of you think it’s weird to hang out with your girlfriend’s dad, let me welcome you to adulthood. There will be times you will be alone with his people or he will be alone with yours. If you stay together, your families will become blended.

There will be times it’ll be you and his family supporting him at a presentation, or him and your parents looking after the kids while you’re on a business trip. You don’t want to have a forever relationship with someone on bad terms with your family unless you are also on bad terms with your family. Give him the chance to build a relationship with them, rather than you trying to convince them of his worth.

Make sure they know the important things — he treats you with respect and makes you happy — and then just ask them to give him a chance. If they have any faith in your judgment, that shouldn’t be too much to ask.

Good luck.

Dear Miss U,
…I recently went to see him behind my parents back while I am in college. After that, I decided to tell my mother and she does not approve one bit. She says he is not someone that can help me in life because he does not have money (What do you expect Haiti is a poor country). He is just gonna leave me and I need to get the idea of being with him out of my head because if it is for her and my father, that relationship will never happen. I plan on bringing him here, but I know that once I do that, I will get shunned by my family. Is there anything I can do to show her that it is not about money? I do not want her to stress me and somehow force me to leave him, but I also do not want to ruin my relationship with my mother… [read more] [read more]
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I have been together almost a year and here lately we haven’t been communicating as well as we should have been.
Every time I say anything he feels that I’m arguing with him. My biggest issues are that I need to be able to talk to him and hear his voice and it’s been a really long time since he’s called me. Last time I called him he didn’t answer and texted me right back saying he was busy. Well the busy excuse has been there for a while as well as other excuses going back to… [read more]

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.