Dump Her

Dear Miss U,
I have been having trouble with my LD girlfriend and I have been having the notion of calling it quits but we both said that we are to put in the effort so I shouldn’t leave yet. I don’t know but I think I have fallen out of love, what should I do?

She claims she still loves me and wants to fix things but I feel that she is not putting me as a priority in her life. It’s always friends, family, and oh the bloody dog. She got a dog 3 months out and things went hay from there. I told her we are doing long distance it's expensive enough, why would you have the dog? I asked her about all of our plans of moving somewhere together which will now definitely be harder. In those conversations, she said it wouldn’t be an issue, but I just am so angry and disheartened. For someone who is working 16 hours a day (we used to look forward to texting) but it was always the quick 20 min call on a work day and if she is free on the weekend; why the hell would you get a dog?

I am at utter wit's end. I have been hoping that our communication would improve after all those talks but the energy just doesn’t feel right. I would pull out articles on how we can fix the relationship and she would brush them off but she doesn’t pull her weight.

I am quite ready to say let’s be friends but at the same time, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. What should I do?

- Help me

Dear Help Me,

I don’t usually give this kind of advice, but dude, you need to break up with her. The relationship is dead.

As much as I don’t like dogs — and I don’t, they are basically toddlers that never grow up; hard pass — having a pet doesn’t complicate things all that much. I put my cat on the 14-hour flight and moved him to Canada with me one time. Yes, there’s extra cost, but the benefits of pets outweigh that. They’re good for your overall health; and hey, maybe it was a rescue, and needed a home right away. (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here.)

With that said, I think the whole dog fiasco shows you a lot about her, and her respect for the relationship. A 30-year-old woman who considers her relationship serious doesn’t go out and get an animal that lives upwards of ten years without discussing it with her partner first. That’s a joint decision. If she’s still making that decision alone... well that’s just a big fat red flag, isn’t it?

And like you said, she’s time-poor. Why would you get a pet that needs a lot of attention to thrive? If she wants this relationship so bad, why isn’t she reading those articles and discussing strategies with you?

I feel like this is a case of “too little, too late.” If you need permission to move on, I’m here to give it to you. Say goodbye. But, don’t do it through text; you’re better than that.

Dear Miss U,

I am a law student and I met another law student during an international law project. He has finished the main part of his study and pursuing a PhD (for at least another 2 years), while I am still fairly at the beginning (at least another 3 years till my final exam). I am going to change law schools next semester and am planning on going to one that is also in the southwest of my country (we both live in Europe, and I currently live in the southeast) while he is living in the north. Between my Uni and him doing his PhD, teaching and coaching a team of younger law students for the same competition during which we met we don't have the time (or the money) to go on the 4.5 hr train journey every weekend. We have been talking about the fact that not being able to share our day-to-day has been really hard on us, and that if we don't find a solution we might have to call it quits. Now this was basically the topic of our last phone-call just a few min. ago. Now my question, as I am changing law schools anyway I could also change to the Uni where he is doing his PhD. However, we are both really young and have only been dating for such a short time. I really like him, so I don't want to lose him, but I equally don't want to 1. make a life-changing decision to maintain a relationship that might not last, 2. smother him with making such a decision purely for him. What should I do?

- Ayoungpersonsdilemma

Dear A Young Person’s Dilemma,

I find it interesting that you consider yourselves “both really young.” At your age, I’d lived out of home for six years. At his age, I’d moved to a different country to live with my LD boyfriend. So, to me, you’re both well-and-truly adults. (I’m telling you this because it will inevitably color the advice I give.)

No one knows if their relationship will last. Not even those of us who are married. We can be pretty sure, but we can’t know the future or what our partners are thinking deep-down if they decide not to share it with us. So we have faith. I can’t see a reason not to have that faith now, but ask yourself, what’s the worst that will happen if you move to him and the relationship crumbles?

Can you transfer again? Is he the kind of person to make your life hard if he becomes an ex?

If you’re moving anyway, it just makes sense to move closer to him. Before you go, you’ll want to have conversations about how much time you’d expect to spend together and what your boundaries are. Because it’s such a new relationship I wouldn’t recommend moving in together, but living in the same postcode shouldn’t be a problem. I mean, isn’t that how most people date anyway?

Talk to him. What does he think of the idea? Seeming you’ve decided to move regardless of if it’s in his direction or not I can’t see why he’d feel smothered or freaked out by having the conversation. Just be honest with each other, and decide from there. This could be the solution you’ve both been hoping for.

Dear Miss U, I feel as if I am squeezed into his schedule when it’s convenient for him. He’s busy and that’s how it is. I still struggle with accepting that. I’d like him to be here or be with someone in my area. We had a few breaks which help but I still feel down. I miss him but sometimes wish I had the strength to break up with him because the distance hurts. I told him this, he tries to help but I usually end up irritated because he doesn’t know how it feels to be the one waiting. He’ll be with me for good in a year and a half but I feel like I cannot continue waiting. I’m frustrated because I’m stuck… [read more: Take Control of the Waiting]
Dear Miss U, …That being said, as I miss him more he seems to be pushing me away, talking to me less, not making any conversation, and rarely initiating phone calls or any form of contact with me. I like to brush this off as him being busy, but being left to feel lonely and pushed out simply makes me question whether it’s worth putting myself through the emotional trauma I suffered last year. I try to openly communicate with him about this it seems to push him away further… [read more: What You Want Most]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.