Embrace the Suck

Dear Miss U,

My girlfriend's name is Annie. We are in a really really terrible situation, not out of arguing or anything. It's a long situation to explain, but I'll try my best.

She is going to a university in Miami which has a study abroad program which allows the student to study in their country of choice for 6 months and then go back to Miami. She was going to do 6 months in the UK, go back to Miami for 6 months, and then re-enroll for the program and do another 6 months here in the UK etc. Now, this is all good but she feels unable to spend those 6 months back at Miami alone, having been with me for the first time, and then having to leave me. The problem is I can't move to Miami since I can't get a job there (UK degrees are less in America than in the UK), so I wouldn't have any money to survive. SECONDLY, she wants to go to med school after university which is 4 years in Miami, where I still wouldn't be able to get a job because I don’t have the qualifications. She can't come here because if she went to med school here it wouldn't apply back in the US. This is a tight situation and it seems pretty much like checkmate. I don't know what to do, I'm desperate, I need help or just any idea of a way out of this hole. Any advice at all would be appreciated.

Kieran

Dear Kieran,

This situation looks terrible to you because you are panicking. When we get hyper-stressed, we don’t do our best thinking. People immigrate to different countries all the time. What makes you think your situation is so unique that you can’t do the same?

It is true that qualifications don’t always translate perfectly across borders, but often you can get a short bridging course to make up the difference. Instead of putting it in the "too hard" basket, do more research and find out exactly what each of you would need to make your carers viable in both countries, or see what careers your current qualifications might translate to. Some degrees can be used in more than one field.

There is always a way. It’s not always easy, and it’s never cheap, but it’s got to be more palatable than spending in excess of four years long distance. So instead of deciding it can’t be done, figure out how to do it.

As for the next six months? Sometimes we have to do really hard things. Things that suck. Being long distance after having been together for a nice long stretch of time? That’s one of those things. I feel for you. I did it, and I hated every minute of it. It is every bit as hard as she’s imagining it will be. But that’s life. You have to do things that suck in the short term to get to the long-term goal. But you know what? Six months apart is better than forever apart. So stick together like glue, and work on real solutions to closing the distance in the long term.

That might take sacrifice. That might look like one of you delaying the start of your career. It might mean she has to work for a while to help raise the money to get you a bridging course, so you can go to the US for the four years she’s in med school. You might even have to consider moving to a third country that recognizes both your degrees. Accept straight up that some parts are going to be hard. And expensive. And downright full of suck. Just grab that and embrace it, because it’s fact. Have a cry together at the injustice if you need to, and then refocus on your priorities.

You have each other. Closing the distance should be your highest priority. There’s nothing more important in this life than the people who make your heart sing. Trust me there. I’ve stood by the bedside of many people as they died and none of them said, “I wish I hadn’t taken that gap year,” or “I wish I got into my career sooner.” Even my mother, who finally got her career at fifty years old and then died of cancer within two years of landing her dream job, never regretted dedicating her life to the people she loved.

If you have to work a crap job to make the money to take extra courses, do that. If you have to spend a couple of years apart so that you can close the distance for good, do that. Whatever it takes. DO THAT. Keep your eyes on what you want most, not what you want right now, and make it happen.

This isn’t a crisis; it’s the reality of long distance. But once you conquer this together, nothing will be able to break you apart.

You're doing better than you think you are.

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I are coming up on our 2 year anniversary and I can’t seem to find myself getting excited. We’ve been together since our freshman year of college but now we’re both doing a semester abroad – me in Paris and him in China. Right before going abroad, we were spending a lot of time together, partially because we knew we’d be apart for 6 months plus most of the summer, but mostly because he was going through some tough stuff mentally. It was becoming a big mental and emotional drain for me because I cared about him so much and just wanted to help him. So I was somewhat grateful for the semester apart to get some space, but I expected that I would eventually begin to miss him a lot. However, that hasn’t happened… [read more: The Power of Now]
Dear Miss U, This question is a bit personal, but I don’t know what else to do. My LDR is temporary (a 6-month study abroad term). We had counted on our sex life continuing naturally through Skype and etc, but every time we try it just makes both of us feel sad and even further apart than before. I don’t know how to stop both of us from comparing our long-distance intimacy to what it’s like being actually together… [read more: Gratitude & Attitude]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.