Dear Miss U,
I’ve been talking to this guy since January. I surprisingly met him on Xbox live and found out that he lives 56 miles from me but we never have time to meet up. I still haven’t seen him person. He told me he loved me first and I said it back. Now He always says he loves me and he calls me baby, beautiful, hot, but then one way or another he goes into conversations about having sex and etc. We stopped talking for two months because he said he was ‘busy’, but I stalked around on google and found his twitter, and his friend had posted something about him and this other girl dating. After two months passed he texted me saying he missed me, meaning him and his girlfriend probably broke up. My friend called him out on it and he said she was trying to cause problems. I feel like I make the effort to talk to him, more than he does. It feels like he doesn’t care. I’ve never ever felt this way about a guy before. He’s all I ever think about and everything I do, I say in my mind ‘do it for him’. When he talks about sex, he always gets so into it and complains about how horny he is. Does he really even love me or does he just want to have sex with me? Should I just give up? I tried dating and finding someone new, but I honestly end up right back to him. I don’t know what else to do. I need help, please!
~ anonymous
Dear anonymous,
He’s a 16 year old boy. He wants to have sex with you. Or possibly any other willing human with a heartbeat. He also likely rubs his penis against inanimate objects to see how it feels and slaps his manhood against his leg/stomach/the shower wall at any opportunity. This is often the reality for teenage males. They discover this fantastic thing that makes them feel wonderful, and they want to see what they can do with it. Once they discover what they can do with it and how fun it is, it tends to take over their minds for a little while. Sex can become a favourite obsession. Even when they are trying hard not to think about it, it’s popping into their minds. It probably works the same as how right now I don’t want to think about the chocolate in my fridge but until I have some – or all of it – I’m going to keep returning to the fact there is chocolate in my fridge calling my name. No matter how much I tell myself I love eating apples, that I’m not hungry or how I should just focus on writing this column. His penis is like having chocolate in the fridge, but far worse.
It’s his best friend. It’s his pet, and he’s probably petting it while he speaks to you. And it’s also a curse, standing up and trying to get attention at the worst moments, like when he’s trying to give a presentation in front of his peers or when he’s talking to a granny at the bus stop. Even when he’s not thinking about sex, he’s thinking about sex.
Girls too get this to some degree during puberty and you’ll catch them standing really close to the clothes drier and smiling, but generally it doesn’t become so all-consuming. Girls are often busy with fantasies about love and good-looking famous people. They are testing the depth of their emotions, where boys wave at their emotions as they reach for another handful of Kleenex to catch a sneeze that isn’t coming out of their noses. It’s probably pretty hard to be a guy and suddenly discover this friend in your pants that is trying, sometimes succeeding, to take over your mind and your very life. He is really horny, and he doesn’t really want to be. So maybe we should cut our males peers some slack.
With all this said, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Not all guys are “only after one thing” and happy to trample many hearts to get it. But right now he’s so busy discovering these things about himself and learning who he is that he’s unlikely to be able to think of you first. If he says he loves you, it’s probable he feels that he does. Like girls, boys also can be fooled into thinking they are in love when really it’s infatuation, but only time and experience teaches us the difference. What should you do? Well that depends on your own goals and expectations. It depends what you are ready for, what you want and how you feel.
Personally, I’d have fun with the conversations, I’d continue to get to know him as a friend and I’d talk to him about sex whilst being careful not to lead him on (You don’t want him thinking it’s more than a conversation, or that you’re actually wanting to do these things with him). Use it to explore your own thoughts on the subject and to build a base for what things you are interested in sexually. I’d have fun with him, playing games on Xbox, and I might even meet him in person at some point – taking along a friend and meeting in a public place for safety. I wouldn’t enter an official exclusive relationship with him however, I would do my best not to invest more of my heart in him at this stage and I’d be careful not to meet alone with him so that there would be no risk he could pressure me into something I wasn’t ready for.
I would also focus on doing things for myself, not for him. You don’t need him for happiness or inspiration; him or any guy. Work on being complete unto yourself.
Trust your instincts. If you feel like you’re more interested in a relationship than he is, you probably are. If you think the love is one-sided and he just wants to see inside your panties, you’re probably right.
Dear Miss U,
I’m in a LDR with my girlfriend, we live in different countries in Europe and we have yet to meet for the first time. We’re going to spend 6 weeks together next year.
I know that she really, really loves me and I obviously know that I love her back as much as she loves me, but.
After us both graduating college in 3 years, she’s going to move to the US and she wants me to go with her so we can study on the same University. She says our relationship won’t work if I don’t come with her.
I just really don’t know if I can move to the US I mean it’s such a big thing, leaving your family and friends and everything that you have back here in your home country, I don’t even think I can attend to one of these universities. I really really want to make it happen though, I love her.
The situation just really stresses me so much because she’s always like “please come to the US with me” and I’m just not sure I can do that in 3 years. I REALLY want to though, maybe I should just make it happen? I love this girl, I would do it for her.
Sorry for it being so long, I’m just kind of confused and I need advice about this situation, thank you for reading.
~ Tabs
Dear Tabs,
I think it’s a bit soon to lose sleep over this. Work on meeting first before you worry about planning an international move into your future.
With that said, she’s putting a lot of pressure on you here and I want to know, other than the pleasure of her company, what will you get out of it? Simply put: Why should you be the one to change your plans and move? What gives her the right to say the relationship will be over if you don’t do this massive thing for her? Relationships are about give and take – what is she going to do for you or what is she giving up for you that will make this fair, balancing out your effort in doing something you have no interest in doing?
I think these things need to be discussed. In addition to that, the US is not an easy country to get into. What if you try but fail? What if you don’t have the grades to get into the college or university she does, or that school doesn’t have anything you need to study for your own career? What if you have the grades but you can’t get the money to pay the tuition, or your visa is denied? Would the relationship still be forfeit? If she really really loves you as you have stated, then her love should be enough to get you through the long distance caused by her desire to study abroad, shouldn’t it?
Personally, I think studying abroad is a fantastic idea. It will bring you loads of new experiences, it looks great on your resume, gives you loads of confidence you didn’t have before and is just all-round a good opportunity. I don’t think it’s a big deal at all to leave your friends and family for a few years while you do something like this for yourself, something that may be the key to unlocking a better future for yourself. There are a lot of positive things about traveling for study, but as you said, it is a big thing. It’s not something to do lightly. It’s not something to do just for someone else. Your career will be a huge part of your life and that starts with education – so make sure this will benefit your goals if you do decide to go through with it. Do your research thoroughly; work out what will need to happen for you to make this trip and make sure you have all the information before you make this decision.
