Hi, I love your site first of all. It’s helped me and my girlfriend greatly. I am a lesbian, and I’m very happy about the relationship I have….. Except for the fact that she lives four states away and there is no chance of us being together until we’re both eighteen. Her parents are extremely homophobic, but that’s just another issue to add onto the ever growing list. My girlfriend has an issue with self-harm, and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help. It seems the only way I could help if I was actually there. I want to help her, but she never accepts it. Even if we were together, her parents would never let us BE TOGETHER, if that makes any sense. If not, then I apologize for the confusion. If you can give me some advice or even just glance through this, then I thank you for both your time and advice -if given-. I hope you and your partner have a wonderful, long, happy life. Tata~!
– NGB
Dear NGB,
Ugh, homophobia. It’s not a phobia, they aren’t scared – they’re just arseholes. I’m sorry you both have to deal with that. Hang in there, being an adult is so much better than a teen. It’s worth sticking it out! You’ve probably already heard of it, but if not, take a look at Dan Savage’s “It gets better” project.
Now, self-harm… sadly, there is very little you can actually do. Even if you were there, in the same house, you’d still feel pretty powerless. She has to want help and be ready to accept it. She alone can make the decision to stop, and stick to it. And though you should always be there to support her unless you have a degree in psychology you can’t give her the tools she needs to change her life for the better.
I’m not telling you not to try your hardest, I’m not saying to give up on her, but the best help she could get would be of the professional variety. What you can do is encourage her to eat right, exercise and find a better channel for that destructive energy. Exercise is particularly important as the hormones released when exercising can create powerful changes within the mind. Remember that like any addiction (and self-harm can feel addictive to its sufferers) to take it one day at a time. Sometimes, just delaying a session of harm can avoid it completely that day. If she calls or texts you and says she wants to hurt herself, try to keep her hands busy. Distract her, or have her put it off for a while like “Alright, if you need to, but first won’t you come watch this show with me/let me read you this story/le’s have a snack together.”
Research it together, help her understand why she feels she needs to do this, and what other options are available to her. It can take years to overcome this mental illness, and that is very draining on a partner. Remember to make looking after yourself a priority also.
Best of luck with your bright futures; this too shall pass.
Dear Miss U,
Today I said goodbye to the love of my life for another agonizing 2 month. It doesn’t seem a long time when you say it but it really is… It’s so painful. I’m sat in my bedroom crying to myself and the tears won’t stop rolling down my face:'( ! I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m 15 and I’m not able to see him when I want and when I desire 🙁 ! Even though I can afford train tickets my mum and dad won’t let me travel alone and his parents won’t let him do weekends 🙁 ! I don’t know what to do because this is the third time we’ve had to say goodbye and it is not getting any better! It’s only been a few hours and I can’t handle it! I need help and advice and reassurance! We both live in the uk, he is from London and lives there and I’m from Leeds and live there, 200 mile from here
Dear Eleanor 🙁
It isn’t going to get better. Not for a long time. But if you want him in your life, this is how it’s going to be. I know that’s not want you want to hear, but it’s the truth and only by accepting it – embracing it even – are you going to get through the coming years. Over time you will prove to your parents that you are both responsible and taking this relationship seriously. As you come closer to adulthood you will both earn additional freedoms, but until then you really do just have to work with what you’ve got and count your blessings.
Two months does feel like an eternity, and I sympathise, but at the same time your parents are still making an effort to let you continue this relationship, when so many others are hell-bent on stopping their kids dating. You do get visits, and that has got to count for something.
Attitude is the one thing in your life that you can control, so start there. Realise you’re lucky to have him in your life at all, appreciate the times you are in person, and do everything you can to enjoy the rest of the relationship too. Long Distance relationships are never going to be easy, but the amount they suck is up to the couple. Choose to make yours awesome.
