Expectations

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over three years, long distance the entire time.

We've seen each other 5 times and this winter I'm going to visit him from December 20th to January 2nd. He just told me that he's taking his brother to a football game on December 30th. On the one hand, I totally understand the need to spend time with his brother, since my boyfriend goes to college a state away from his brother so they don't see each other a lot either. On the other hand, this week and a half is the last one we're going to have because we're not going to see each other for a year after that, and he is going to see his brother in that year.

Am I right to be upset about him leaving me at his home even though he's spending time with his brother?

May

Dear May,

I can certainly understand why you’re upset, because you have such a short amount of time together. With that said, he can’t choose when the game runs and it is only one evening.

Instead of making a big deal out of it, just let him know you’d like him to keep the rest of his time open to you because you are traveling to see him, not his empty house, and it will be a long time until you can do so again.

Meanwhile, why not join them at the game? That way you’re not home alone, bored and resentful. His brother is obviously important to him; even if you don’t go this is an opportunity to make a good impression on someone who will be a part of your life however long you’re with your boyfriend – that’s important too, in reasonable doses.

Talk to him, not with the intent of changing his mind, but with the intent of being understood, then — just this once — be the cool girlfriend, and support his man time.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend just got accepted to a college 4 hours away from me. I am very happy for him and proud, but I can’t help but worry. He will be leaving in ten months and I am scared of taking up all of his free time to spend with me. I know 4 hours isn’t that far but I will also be busy with school. I don’t know how to feel or what to do? This is my first serious relationship and both of us want to marry each other. I just need to know if long distance relationships work and how. I also would like some tips to calm my anxiety so I don’t ruin the time I have left with him.

Thank you.
Drama Diva

Dear Drama Diva,

Long distance certainly worked for me! Ten out of ten, would recommend.

I also recommend reading back through some of the old letters, because I’ve answered variations of your questions about a hundred times, and there might be some useful stuff in there for you.
Beyond that, long distance isn’t something to fear. It’s only a big deal if you make it so. The great thing about long distance is you can study together, seeming you’ll be at your desks a lot anyway. You don’t always need to be talking to keep each other company.

If you’re going to marry each other, know now that long distance isn’t even close to the things you’re going to go through together, so look at it as practice. Long distance will teach you how to communicate with each other at a much deeper level than you otherwise may have. This is by necessity because without good communication you’ve got nothing.

Long distance relationships work the same way near-proximity relationships work: by respecting each other, by loving your partner more than you love yourself, by trusting even when it’s hard, and by not being needlessly dramatic. Your relationship will be what you make it. If you want to be one of those people who hang out with the girls, moaning about how stupid your husband is, that’s the kind of relationship you’ll have. If you want to feel sorry for yourself because you’re long distance, you’ll be miserable. But if you want to have an awesome, fun, deep relationship, you can do that regardless of where on earth the two of you live, or how often you get to see each other. Be thankful for what you do have, and you’ll see your blessings everywhere.

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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.