Dear Miss U,
My bf and I started questioning our relationship, is it a bad thing to question your relationship? My bf is going to college soon and we’ve tried to find ways that we can be together after I finish high school. We know that’s it’s going to be rough for us since we’re in a long distance relationship. Also my bf started questioning about him “experiencing” other girls because I am basically his first love but he also wants to be with me. We want to be together but were scared of what the future may hold for us, so what should we do?
~ Jen
Dear Jen,
It’s quite normal to question your relationship and to take time to reassess where you are at; both as individuals and as a couple. That’s fine. It’s healthy to take stock of things and if something is found to be lacking it can be addressed early before it turns into a problem.
There is always the risk with a first relationship that one or both partners may wonder if they are missing out on something, or if there is someone out there who might be an even better match for them. Some individuals do feel their lack of experience keenly. On the dating front, that doesn’t always make a lot of sense. If you have successfully found someone you are happy with, then your first foray into dating was successful and thus you don’t need to build any further skills. Generally the point of dating is to find one person you are compatible with to the point where you keep them for companionship and breeding. With that said; dating, flirting and hooking up can be a lot of fun and some people feel cheated out of that if they got lucky at love on their first roll. There are a variety of ways to deal with that, some of which I personally feel you might be too young to consider, but it isn’t my place to judge.
Options:
- You can open up the relationship, either completely or partially with set rules, if you don’t believe doing so would eventually destroy the relationship you have.
- You can compromise and say that you’re willing to let him experience other girls as long as you are a part of the encounter. Ways to achieve this would include going to clubs with him, getting couples lap-dances, hiring an escort together, swinging or picking up a playmate.
- You can break up, remain in touch, and hope he comes back after he’s done sowing his wild oats.
- You can thank him for being so honest and ask to revisit the topic at a later time if it is still concerning him.
I would recommend talking to him about how he would feel if the tables were reversed – what if you wanted to “experience” other guys? Is this a one-sided thing? Are you generally jealous people? Would it meet his needs to be able to go out with other women, flirt, dance, make-out but not take it any further or is he interested in purely sexual encounters?
Also, what do you want the future to hold for you? Where do you both dream of living? Are your career and family plans compatible? Don’t be afraid of the future – it is what you make of it. You can, more or less, have exactly what you want in your future. No, you won’t get a high-paying job right out of school, your first unit together will be tiny and lacking a dishwasher, and your car may not always start – but the important things are up to you. Figure out what both of you want – not what your families want or what society tells you that you want – and then sit down and make a long-term plan for how you can make that happen.
Open minds and open communication will serve you well.
Dear Miss U,
We are best friends. He says he loves me and I love him too but he always shuts me out. He sometimes wants to be alone. I respect that and let him be. When he returns, we create wonderful memories then suddenly, he disappears again. I won’t be able to reach him for months then suddenly, he reappears again. I spoke to him about it and he always apologizes. He returned back into the country a month ago and he wouldn’t call or even contact me. I feel it’s unhealthy to continue dating someone who disappears and reappears after a while. What should I do? I am so in love with him and I know he loves me too but why does he act the way he does? If I hurt him or said anything that hurt him, why wouldn’t he just let us talk about it? Please I will like to hear from you.
~ Babe
Dear Babe,
You’re right, it’s not healthy and it needs to be addressed. Imagine: 15 years from now, you’ve tucked your eldest child into bed after a long day but your youngest is still wailing. “I want daddy! Where’s daddy?” but you don’t know. He’s disappeared again. It’s only been a week this time, but a week is forever to a child that doesn’t understand. You want to cry too; where is your support? And how are you going to pay all the bills if he doesn’t come home this month?
Bleak prospects, right? On Maslow’s hierarchy of needs one of the most important things listed is security. But how can you have security if you can’t trust your partner to be there? How do you maintain a relationship with someone who won’t communicate with you? Without communication you can’t address your issues together, you cannot grow as a couple and moreover you lose an essential bonding tool.
There’s a difference between needing space and disappearing. You can’t just take a month off in the middle of a relationship, it doesn’t work like that. I would bring this up with him and expect some answers. If he has some kind of underlying issue with intimacy or commitment, I’d ask him to seek professional help. But if he won’t discuss it with you, or he disappears again, I would recommend moving on. Love is not all it takes to have a relationship, and no one should be treating their best friend like that, never mind their partner.
