Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I met when he was studying as an exchange student. We dated for 3 months and a half before he had to leave to his home country. He lives 12 hours away by flight. It has been 3 months since he left. We have a good and happy relationship. We Skype every day for the last 3 months he is away. However, I can feel that I am longing for intimacy more and more; and last night when I was out with my girlfriends to a night club, I kissed another man who I was dancing with but it didn’t go further than that. It felt good to be kissed, hold and ‘closeness’, but of course the man I thought of at the time is my boyfriend. I will be visiting him in Germany in a month for 3 weeks. However, we will have to be apart again and he will visit me in another 4 or 5 months. I worry if this is a sign that I am can’t handle a long distance relationship. I definitely do not want and plan to cheat on him again, but I can’t be sure of that when I am at the heat of the moment. I usually tell my boyfriend everything, but I know I can’t about this. At the same time, I need to know if I should end my relationship with him? We have talked about future plans and I do plan to move to where he lives and start our lives together, but only after I complete the rest of my 2 year degree program. I really do see a future with him, but my actions are confusing me of how much I truly love him. I believe that I should be able to be committed to him if I truly love him, but it is hard to miss him so much.
– Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
One kiss is not a big deal. One kiss should not be the end of your relationship. One kiss does not mean you’re not strong enough to have a long distance relationship. Think of all the times you could have been unfaithful, and were not. All the times temptation was there and you walked away. (If however this is the first time you’ve been out without your partner around, please disregard my advice.) Why does one mistake destroy every time you got it right? It shouldn’t but that’s the way our society is.
What you do need to do is if you’re worried about the temptation – don’t put yourself in a situation where you know it will be difficult to stop yourself. Dance with your girl friends instead. Or don’t drink. Or call your significant other and leave a drunken voice mail about how much you love him, to remind yourself that you’re not going to be unfaithful. Masturbate before you go out. Get the frustration out with a nice orgasm so the hormones won’t distract you so much. Whatever it takes, do that. You are in control of your actions – no excuses – so take control.
You can do this. You just have to decide if you want to. Is he worth it? Commitment does not always come easy. From this experience you’ve learnt that you’re fallible, that your love for him does not stop you making stupid mistakes. Take this knowledge with you, and make the best out of it so that it doesn’t happen again.
Hi. 🙂
I am Wynonah. Me and my boyfriend knew each other since birth. It’s because my parents are his God-Parents. Actually, he was my boyfriend before but we screwed up less than a month. The last month we chatted on Facebook, he wants me to give him a chance, and so did. Not less than a month, I saw some stuffs on his profile like girls having a crush on him and his friends was like teasing him and based on his replies, it sounds like he wants it too. I lost my TRUST on him and I actually broke up with him. I actually love him that’s why I gave him another chance, but not the 100% of my TRUST. 🙂 Now, tell me, what will I do to TRUST him again? 🙂 How can I TRUST him a lot even though I caught him cheating once?
– Wynonah
Dear Wynonah,
Unless I’ve missed something, he didn’t cheat on you. Other girls having a crush on him – even if he likes it and enjoys the attention – is not cheating. You need to talk to him about how he can better handle that situation.
If he earns your trust, time will heal your old hurts and you will move past it. In the meantime, it’s ok not to trust him 100%.
Next time something bad goes wrong, talk through it together. Try to understand each other’s point of view and come to a compromise. There are many “grey areas” in relationships where he may not know what is expected of him and only communication is going to change that.
Dear Miss U,
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months now, but we’ve been talking for about a year and a half.
Ever since my ex cheated on me, I’ve been unable to trust anyone I’ve been in a relationship with. The person I’m currently in a relationship now means the absolute world to me, and it kills us both that I’m not able to trust him!
I’m just constantly worried, always thinking the worst. Even if he takes a little too long to text me back, I instantly think he’s texting someone else, or out with another girl.
I’m fed up of feeling like this, and he’s starting to get fed up with it too. He’s never done anything to make me not trust him; this is all purely because of how heartbroken I was before.
I want to trust him, for him for me and for us! But I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified now that everything’s going to get too much for him and he will just leave me!
I need your help and advice, so badly! Thank you for reading; means the world!
– Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
It’s simply too easy to punish a new partner for the mistakes of the ex, but you must not do it. It’s as simple and difficult as that. When you have these thoughts, ask yourself “How would I feel if roles were reversed and he kept thinking I am cheating just because an old girlfriend did?” Talk to yourself. Tell yourself “I am being silly and unfair” then go and do something with your time to busy your mind. Don’t brood on the bad thoughts.
Next time you think “He’s texting another girl!” stop yourself and add “probably his mum”. Or when you think “he’s not replying because he is out with another girl” add on to that “or more likely he’s having a big crap, and once his done, he’ll get back to me.”
Additionally – stop talking to him about it. Don’t heap your doubts on him. This is something you need to work on. Don’t ask him a dozen I’m-obviously-suspicious questions, and stop telling him that you were worried when he didn’t get back to you right away. You can teach yourself to act like you trust him, until you learn that you actually can – because if you don’t, you will drive him away.
The fact of the matter is, in every relationship we have (romantic or otherwise,) there will always be the chance that the other person will betray our trust, or that we’ll inadvertently break theirs with a mistake. You just need to let it go. Tell yourself “I’m not going to spend energy worrying needlessly” and focus your mind on something else. And if you can’t move past it on your own, you need to talk it over with a counselor or psychologist, because you don’t need to carry this burden with you for the rest of your life.
I wish you all the best in overcoming this issue.
