Feeling Disconnected

Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend in Japan when I traveled there in October. It was love at first sight and I spent five amazing weeks with him! I had to go back home to Canada though, and it has been a month since I have seen him. The first few weeks were fine, but about a week and a half ago I began having so many random doubts and worries. Questions began running through my mind and I doubted if I even loved him. Suddenly his texts and picture messages didn't cheer me up anymore. I felt horrible because I know in my heart I love him, but everything just felt different.

A few days ago though I felt good as new and questioned why I was having doubts. But today I feel horrible, every time I text him I feel like I am somehow lying about my feelings. I hate this feeling and I was wondering if it's normal to feel this disconnection while in a long distance relationship. It should be noted I have been in an LDR before and experienced these same feelings, it's like my brain wants to ruin my happiness.

Gabuchan

Dear Gabuchan,

Emotions are water, they ebb and flow. Sometimes we’re at high tide, brimming over with so much love we can hardly contain it. Other times we run a bit dry and question ourselves. That’s normal.

It’s not always easy to connect with our loved ones at a distance, especially if we’re not making the effort to include all our senses. In addition, sometimes we’re hormonal creatures, and that can confuse what we already know.

The most important thing here is to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. Sometimes even living with Mr. E I wonder why we’re together, what we see in each other, and if we will make it. And then I realize we just need to spend some time having fun together so we can remember why we like each other.

Some things that make it easier are:

Engage all the senses. Use his deodorant, have him send you a shirt or hoodie he’s worn, or even find a candle that reminds you of him/ the scent of his home. If you primarily text, get on the phone, send voice messages, or video call each other. Hear and see him! Look at photos of the two of you together. Eat his favorite food, or something you shared together that brings back those memories. Think of creative ways to connect in ways you’re not already.
Do something fun together online like playing a game, reading to each other, or having a movie date.
Planning a visit, even if it’s a long way off.
Being kind to yourself, and not overthinking the low points.

Now, this may not be the case for you, but I know for some of us, our brains DO try to ruin our happiness, particularly if we have a personal history of abuse or abandonment. Sometimes we’re so keyed up, expecting things that make us happy to turn sour, that we push them in that direction. Occasionally a person can be so used to endless drama that they create it, they go searching for trouble because happiness or contentment doesn’t feel natural. If all you’ve ever known are the thorns, a rose without them can seem too good to be true. Broken even. We need to make sure we’re not falling into those mind tricks.

In kindness,

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I became exclusive recently… Day to day though I find myself having doubts how much he truly wants me. He has been a bad texter from the start and ever since mentioning it he has gotten a little better. He is really sweet with his texts, but there is a lack of them. I know he isn’t busy… [read more: Running Blindly into the Dark]
Dear Miss U, ...Sometimes I wonder if our relationship will last since the distance is our only issue. I also wonder if we will ever get married. We have talked about marriage but I have doubts for some reason. PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to get hurt. Plus soon I will be going off to school. Should I stay or move on? [read more: Marriage & Doubts]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.