Feeling Neglected

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I are living in 2 different continents with a 9-hour time difference.

We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years but we spent the first 8 months in the same city. We have been in a LDR since I came back to my country. Distance was not a big deal for the first year of LDR. He came to visit and I visited him.

Since I came back from my visit in December, the distance has been pretty hard. We even did a break for a week (he came back texting me after 3 days). We had long talks and everything came back kinda like it was. I tried to find every solution to close the gap and ended up thinking about doing my studies there. He was pretty happy about it.

But since then, there is something missing between us too. He got a new job, just bought a house. This is a lot of stress for him (I understand that) but I feel like he's not paying attention to me as he used to. We text but he's acting more like he's talking to a friend.

Communication and honesty were the TOP of our relationship and I feel like we lost it (on his side though). I'm going to see him in few weeks, kinda scared of how it will be.

I'm a very sensitive person and pay a lot of attention to details. Should I talk to him now or wait until I see him in 2 weeks?

Thank you,
Krissy

Dear Krissy,

It could be something as simple as he subconsciously thinks he doesn’t need to put in as much effort between now and when you move to study there, because the “problem is fixed.” I remember Mr. E going through a phase like that, and he even said “I wish we could just press pause and not talk until I get there” but of course that would be terrible for the relationship so we didn’t do it. The feeling is understandable though. Sometimes you have so much going on, you feel like you can let your relationship cool off just a little while you focus on other things. People do this without thinking about it half the time.

Or, maybe he’s just stressed and distracted. Maybe he just needs to be reminded that you need love and the relationship needs maintenance no matter what else happens in his life. That’s a learned skill. How many times have you heard someone say they needed to break up with their partner and “find themselves” or “I can’t date I need to focus on career”? People get this mindset that it’s one or the other, but for a relationship to last, for it to become a marriage, both people in the relationship need to be able to sustain the connection while living their lives. They have to learn to include their partner in the journey.

Generally, the sooner issues are dealt with the better and I'd say don't put off the conversation, but consider these two things:

What is your best method of communication? If you talk best face to face, wait. If like me you speak better through text, now might be easier.
How long has he had this new job? Have you given him time to settle in? If he only started in the last week, wait. Give him a chance to settle in. If he’s been working there a fortnight or more, speak up now before new habits become hard to change.

I don’t feel like you need to worry about the honesty and communication in your relationship just yet. This doesn’t sound like a crisis to me. Just remind him that comfortable relationships shouldn’t equal laziness and continue keeping the relationship respectful, loving and fun.

Lastly, don’t be sad that he talks to you like a friend. You should be his friend. His very best friend. If he doesn’t treat you like one, then something is very wrong! Just like women, men’s libidos can suffer when under stress, so if he’s not flirty don’t take it to heart. Likewise, he might not feel terribly romantic because his emotional energy is depleted. Give him the opportunity to talk out any issues he’s having, and take his word on it if he says nothing is wrong on his end.

I hope that your conversation goes well whenever you have it, and he renews his efforts within the relationship.

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend lives in another country, about 3 hours by plane. When we’re together it’s all great, and before he started working, we never had a perfect LDR communication, but at least I could reach him all day long. I know he loves me and really cares for me, I trust him completely. The thing is, ever since he started working, we get to talk for two hours in the evening (he works from 08.00-20.00) and in those hours he also has to see his friends and do his sports and stuff. I end up looking forward to the weekend so much, but although I seem to need more communicating, he is not really good with texting etc. In the weekends, where he has the day free, of course, he wants to go out and do things. But I want to talk, and Skype, and catch up. On the whole week. I totally understand that he needs some fun after working all week. But I also need to get enough of him… [read more: It Takes Two]
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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.