Finding Security

Dear Jordan,

If you didn’t feel at least some distress at parting, you’d be writing to me wondering if you really love him. Whilst some emotions aren’t particularly enjoyable, but they are part of our human experience, and if we can’t embrace them, we need to come to a point where we can at least acknowledge and accept them.

Coping isn’t about making the bad feelings not happen, it’s about managing regardless. Feeling really upset doesn’t mean you’re not coping. If you’re still eating most meals, still meeting your obligations like going to work or school, walking your dog, and not living in constant squalor, you’re already coping.

If you’re not managing to live your life after separation, and you go more than a week without being able to attend school/work, you’re unable to properly care for yourself, etc. that’s the kind of thing you need to talk to your support people about, and possibly your doctor, too. It’s okay to fall back on your loved ones in times of distress. And if you know it’s going to happen you can prepare in advance by putting pre-cooked food in your freezer and arranging to have a friend or family member come by to freshen up your house or force you to go out a few days post-visit. Having people to call on is good, and the more you learn to ask for help, the more your friends will see that they can lean on you as well.

You’re not going to magically wake up one day and not love him. Yes, emotions are liquid, some days your cup overflows and some days you can’t articulate why you like each other, but your love isn’t going to just poof out of existence. I know this because throughout history, way before the invention of the internet or even telephones, humans were having long distance relationships. For example, much of the courtship of Elizabeth Barret-Browning and Robert Browning was conducted through letters, and of course, hundreds of people have gone off to war, their love enduring for months or years. Even when someone dies, we don’t stop loving them or stop thinking about them. Remind yourself of this in those panicked moments.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but the distance doesn’t get easier. In a way, some of the struggle becomes more manageable because you get better at it; you know what to do, because of your experience. But in my experience, the distance gets harder and harder until you can’t take it anymore, and your driving force becomes closing the distance at all costs. That distress is powerful. When you harness it, you achieve something you might have thought impossible. Again, it’s supposed to suck, at least to some degree.

Security comes with time and familiarity. You can use positive self-talk to encourage your sense of security to grow, but time and maturity is the thing that will solidify it.

Dear Gregory,

I find it strange that your primary concern is that she’s going to be unfaithful. Being honest here, it’s a pretty dangerous world to be a woman in, never mind a drunk woman. Me personally, I’m more worried about her safety than anything else. Is she making sure her drink is never unattended? How is she getting home? Is she going out with friends who will watch her back? Whilst it’s never okay to blame a victim, the reality is that we do have to take precautions because a lot of men still think of us as property. Something to conquer. Something another man can steal.

Being a woman is a bit bullshit sometimes. The fact that she feels safe and confident enough to go out and party hard is something worth celebrating. And what better time of her life to do it? I think the number one way we can be okay with other people’s actions is by understanding them; putting ourselves in her high-heels.

Now, I can’t speak for all women, but I know a lot of us actually get really sick of being hit on when we go to parties. Lots of men think a drunk woman, single or not, is going to be "easy." No. Chances are "doing something" with a guy isn’t even a blip on her radar. Chances are she wishes they were all banned from the club so she could dance with her girls in peace. Have you ever asked her what it’s like to be at these parties? What a woman’s experience is like in general?

If you’re really worried, like you think the sexual frustration that comes with LDR might push her into temptation, masturbate with her before she goes out. Have a good role-play, or whatever you’re into, and scratch that itch together. Meet that need in advance.

Beyond that, it sounds like you need to sit down together and have a talk about how much contact each of you expects and let her know you need a bit more time than you’re receiving. That’s not being clingy, that’s being a good communicator. So she wants to go out every Saturday? I feel you. Mr. E used to have D&D every Saturday without fail, and hell would freeze over before he’d cancel for me. If Saturday night is taken, ask for Friday. Make that your date night and plan something fun together. Or have a brunch date Sunday. Pick a time, make the commitment, show up.

Be honest about what you need to thrive in this relationship. Your girlfriend cares about you. She’s not going to be annoyed that you want to hang out with her; and if she is, go ahead and take that as a red flag.

It’s not easy accepting people for who they are — loving them despite differences, or personality quirks — but it’s part of what makes a relationship successful and strong. She might be a party animal at heart, or this could be a stage of life thing. Either way, ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker. Imagine yourself ten years from now, her still partying every Saturday night. How do you feel? Can you see yourself partying alongside her, or potentially staying at home with the kids while she lets her wild out? Or is this going to be an issue down the track? It’s worth thinking about and discussing now, while you’re in the formative stage of your relationship.

At the end of the night she comes home to you, or the voicemail you left on her phone, that’s what counts. If you both feel loved, respected, and supported, you don’t need to be into the same things. Lastly, like I tell everyone who writes to me with this question, you don’t need to trust the people she’s around, you only need to trust her. No means no. If you trust her, you know she’ll say no to any advances and won’t instigate any herself. If you don’t trust her, why are you together? It’s as simple and complex as that.

Wishing you all the best,