Dear Miss U,
I have been with my bf for 7 months, and it’s amazing. I love him really much and I see that he loves me too, but we only write on the internet with each other. I saw pictures of him and he saw mine. But he’s too shy to webcam or even talk by voice. He said he will talk only by voice in this year, but for me, looks like he doesn’t really want to, but what hurt’s the most is that he only wants to see me in the next year or in 2 years, and it hurts because I really want him in my arms. Should I be concerned that he only wants to see me in the next year and not now?
Raquel
Dear Raquel,
Some things, like fine wine, take a long time to mature and are all the more amazing because of the time invested. I don’t think you need to be concerned just because he isn’t ready. You will come to find many times in your lives when one of you is ready for something before the other is. For example, in my own relationship Mr. E was ready to voice chat and cam a very long time before I was comfortable with it. For a while, he would turn his on for me so I could see how normal and unintimidating it was, without expecting me to be able to reciprocate. But later it was me who was ready to close the distance first, it was me that wanted to move in together. It was him who was ready to marry.
You are individuals. Different people with different needs and expectations. They won’t always match up, and that’s ok.
There’s truly nothing wrong with taking it slowly and being patient. Really, what happens after you meet anyway? Will you be able to close the distance faster if you meet sooner? Chances are, no you won’t, and once you meet in person long distance seems a lot harder.
Hang in there, be patient, understanding and encouraging while continuing to let your needs and desires be known. Be the wine, not the hastily brewed instant coffee.
Dear Miss U,
I met this guy 7 months ago and we recently started talking seriously. I just wanted to know how to bring up the idea of being 600 miles away from each other and dating without making it seem to much of a total complete commitment of being in the relationship. I need help because I am going crazy with thinking about it all of the time.
600 Miles Away
Dear 600,
You’re overthinking this. If you want to date this guy then invite him on a date, it’s as simple and as complicated as that. If you want to know how he feels about dating online and/or at a distance, inviting him to do just that, with you, without making out like it’s weird or a big deal, is a sure-fire way to find out.
Try: “Hey do you want to watch a movie together, maybe next Saturday night? We can both get popcorn, lock our siblings out of our rooms and make an evening of it.”
If you have a few successful dates that go well, you continue to get along famously, and feelings develop on both sides then the friendship will naturally veer toward relationship territory and the conversation won’t feel as forced when it does come up. You don’t have to lock it in with labels right now. Remember to enjoy the adventure.
Dear Miss U,
She lives in Madrid and I live in London. Were really happy together but I worry that the lack of intimacy in our relationship will start to effect what we have.
We see each as often as possible. She says she trusts me, she feels safe with me and that she loves me and I’m exactly the same. However we have not had sex yet. Now this isn’t a huge deal for me, as were both virgins and we both want to take it slow.
However when we try to talk about it she just doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t ever initiate acts intimacy by herself (beyond kissing), she seems uninterested and she will even make excuses for why not to be sexy with each other.
On top of all this she shoots down my attempts to flirt via texting, my attempts to intimate and she is 110% against sending photos (Which I can understand).
It feels like she just doesn’t want be intimate with me. I hate feeling like ‘that guy’ who keeps bringing up sex/intimacy but I know if I don’t we would never talk about it. After 10 months I feel like this lack of intimacy is starting to damage our relationship. She won’t let me do anything for her and vice versa. I feel like if I don’t fix this now our relationship is in serious trouble.
So my question is, how can I fix this complete lack of intimacy? I really want this relationship to work and I know she does too but I’m really struggling with this area.
David.
Dear David,
Whether she wants to talk about it or not, she’s going to have to if she wants to continue in this relationship. Relationships do very poorly indeed when communication is non-existent. Sex and sexuality are important, particularly if you both expect this to be a monogamous relationship, and frankly you both deserve to know where you stand. A lot of intimacy can come just from talking, and if you could just understand what was going on inside her mind I’m sure you’d feel closer to her. She would likely feel more bonded to you as well; loved and accepted at her most vulnerable. But first you have to get her to talk, and that seems to be the hard part. Perhaps explaining why she needs to discuss this with you would work (talk about how you feel, not about what she’s doing wrong. Positive language that doesn’t alienate or accuse is very important) or perhaps she would feel more comfortable conversing on a different medium. Maybe she wants to talk about it but the words just don’t come out. I once had a partner who was the same. To help us overcome this we developed a panic word – a single word we could utter if we wanted to speak but couldn’t. Our word was duct tape. Which I now realize is two words, but I digress. When the panic words were spoken we knew to wait, not to speak over the top of our partner, to possibly encourage or use another leading question. It helped.
But some people are just so shy, or so used to sex being taboo and shameful that they just can’t talk about it. Those people might find they can write their thoughts in a letter or email. Discuss with her different options for how to talk about it, but not whether or not it will be spoken about because the latter isn’t an option.
I’m also wondering if maybe she’s asexual. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with asexuality, but you do deserve to know about it as her partner. Ask her. Ask her, again in a non-accusatory way, if maybe she’s just not attracted to you like that. Make it clear that you don’t have to start having sex tomorrow, but that you do need to be on the same page and you in particular have needs that are not being met. This doesn’t make you a “guy only after one thing,” it just means you’re a human with the basic desire to connect to the person you love in a sexual fashion. To be closer to her than to all others.
There’s nothing you can do alone to fix this. You need to be in it together, as a team. You need to communicate. It takes two to tango, as they say.
