Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 5 years and I love him so much. When I was 14 and he was 15 we broke up for a year. We don’t live in the same town and since we couldn’t drive we never saw each other. He dated another girl during the time we were broken up. Well we’ve been back together for almost 2 years now and it’s been great. But over the summer I found out he was talking to his ex behind my back. This had been going on for a month before he finally told me. Well the next morning after he told me I went to work which is a private school uniform store. I met a guy from one of the schools we sell to. That was early August. It’s almost September and it still hurts thinking about how my boyfriend lied to me. He still hasn’t given me a good reason to why he did it. He also recently told me that when he was talking to her it opened up old feelings and made him question if I was the right choice… That really hurt. Can I trust him?? He’s kept secrets before. He cheated on me once and didn’t tell me for 3 years. I love him but I had a cheating and lying dad so I don’t want what my mom went through. Also the guy from work…we talk every day and I think I have a crush.. I think my boyfriend and I keep getting distracted from each other and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t cheated but this guy is sweet. My bf and I want to get married but I’m worried things are getting in the way.
Ps. He always gets mad because I don’t wanna have sex… What should I do??
Confused senior
Dear Confused Senior,
I know it’s a horrible thought and you probably don’t want to go there, but maybe you and your boyfriend are simply not that compatible. I understand how badly that concept would disappoint you both because you have put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and you have quite a history together, but it bears thinking about. Perhaps you are distracted because you’ve outgrown each other and it is time to move on.
Trust is a difficult thing. I can’t tell you if you can trust him or not, but I can tell you that relationships with questionable trust struggle, and if the trust issues are not resolved and broken trust repaired, it does tend to lead to the downfall of that relationship.
I can understand why speaking to an ex might bring up old feelings and even questions about a current relationship. It the lying about it that is the real issue here, because it’s ok to doubt every once in a while. Sometimes it’s difficult to see what the right course is, or to trust ourselves to make the best decision without guidance. Are you not also questioning this relationship by writing to me? But, that does not mean that you can not be trusted, or that you’ll choose to let this relationship go. It just means every now and again we all take stock of our lives and make sure they are on the right track. Directly lying to you, on the other hand, is a red flag. I can think his only reason for this was he felt confused and wanted time to think before bringing it up in discussion with you.
You speak of marriage – to marry someone is to take another human, one you’re not at all obliged to care about, and make them your family. You extend to them your unconditional love, with the faith that as your best and most trusted friend they will always put your interests first and never abuse the vulnerability you are willingly showing to them. You tangle your life with theirs – finances, property, your identity (if you take the same last name), children – so much so that sometimes it’s hard to find yourself within the unit any more. With something that serious, do you want a man beside you who you don’t trust 100%? Do you want to carry forward into your marriage all the hurt and mistakes of your teenage years? Can you let go of all that within yourself, forgive it and forget about it so that it does not haunt you, or would it be better to start fresh with all the knowledge you have gained from this relationship?
You’ve told me you don’t want to have sex and that it’s making him mad, but unfortunately I can’t give much advice on that because I don’t know your situation. If you’re waiting to have sex, either because you’re not ready or because you’re waiting for marriage, he needs to suck it up and respect that. He’s probably known this would be the case for the past five years, and complaining about it isn’t going to change anything now, except how you view him.
However, if you were once sexually active together but now you no longer want to be, I would question why that is and if this relationship is where you want to be. Generally sex is a significant part of healthy long term relationship and if for some reason he suddenly becomes undesirable to you, or you feel yourself making excuses for not wanting to be intimate, then you need to be asking yourself why. Perhaps it is because deep down you can’t let go of past hurts and you don’t trust him. Or you’re experiencing a hormonal imbalance and need to see a doctor (but if your libido is still there, and you’re attracted to other guys – like this guy at work – this is likely not the problem). But I can’t say I’ve ever heard of or experienced a healthy relationship where sex has suddenly stopped.
I would suggest you re-evaluate this relationship a little more, because it seems to me like you might be flogging a dead horse.
Dear Miss U,
I am living half way across the world from my LDB, we are engaged to be married in a couple years. Even though my work is here and his studies and future work is across the world. I don’t have internet in my flat (too poor to afford) so we only chat sometimes when I go to an internet cafe.
However the distance has made me very lonely and vulnerable. But now I’m dating another man and falling for him as well. He already told me he loves me and I’m full on cheating on my boyfriend. I still love my LDB and in my heart I know this is a huge mistake, and he is the one for me. But the more time I spend with the other man the more I want to be with him. I think he could forgive me, but my concern is sex. He has been my only lover and it was something very special to him. For me to tell him I’ve been with someone else may be too much for him. Do I tell him everything and see if he forgives? Or should I break up with him and see how it goes with someone else?
Freaking Idiot
Dear FI,
No matter what you decide, don’t tell your LDB that you were unfaithful. There is absolutely no reason why this knowledge would benefit him, all you will do is break his heart, and possibly his faith in every woman that comes after you. It might make you feel better to confess, but when you’re the ‘bad guy’, you feeling better isn’t a priority.
In your defense it sounds like you haven’t really had a relationship with your LDB for quite some time. You have little to no communication, which likely means you’re not able to be involved in each other’s lives. If you have no money for the internet, chances are you can’t do visits either, so all you have really been left with is the memory of a love you once were committed to, and a sporadic pen-pal who you check in with on occasion. It’s not much of a relationship, and of course, that’s not going to meet your needs.
You say in your heart you know your LDB is the person you want. If this is the truth, it’s time to scrap your priorities and start over. Find a way to be together and make that happen. Cut ties with this new love interest, and lock this away as “the dark ages” in your life. That might mean giving up everything you have to make it work though. Could you do that without resentment? Can you, realistically, make a relationship work with your LDB (a real one, involving communication, where you are each other’s highest priority), or are the odds stacked so high that it would be better for both of you to let go and move on?
This new guy sounds like he has potential too. Think for a moment; if you didn’t have this guilt weighing you down, would you be happy? Would you be happy where you are right now (rather than where LDB is)? Do you seem to have similar goals, desires and morals to this new guy? If you did indeed sacrifice everything for LDB and you never saw this guy again would you be plagued by regrets and “what ifs”?
Know this though: you’re not an idiot. You’re human. We all make mistakes. I know people all over the world have this mutual hate for cheaters, and that likely you hate this part of yourself right now. But you need to understand that it doesn’t make you an inherently bad person. There is a reason this happened – your needs were not able to be met in the relationship you were in. Armed with this knowledge, you know your own limits, and possibly what might drive a future lover to cheat too, and thus can benefit from the life lessons you have learned here. Take what you can from this, then make a choice and move on in whatever direction looks like it promises the most happiness.
